LaurClaire S2 Episode 03: Valentine's Day? Not really

On the couch, Lauren is flipping through channels on her TV. “Ugh, why do we keep paying for this shit? There’s never anything on!” Lauren complains. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Claire can be heard screaming from the other room. “It’s okay to disagree with me! You don’t have to be so dramatic about it!” Lauren yells back. Claire enters the room, dressed in a black dress and a veil. “I…I can’t believe this has happened! Why did it have to be? Why?! WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!” Claire questions, falling to her knees and sobbing. Lauren looks over the armrest of the couch and down at Claire. “You good?” Lauren asks. “Do I look good to you? I am in mourning!” Claire tearfully snaps. “Who died?” Lauren wonders. “Not who! IT’S WHAT!” Claire yells. Claire pulls out an empty bottle of wine and shows it to Claire. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding.” Lauren mutters. “THAT’S WHAT I SAID! Now what are we supposed to do? It’s a Friday night and we have nothing to drink!” Claire complains. “Well, you’ve gone through the whole shock and denial stage of grief.” Lauren says. “This is all my faaaaaaaaault! I should’ve remembered we were almost out and I didn’t!” Claire cries. “That crosses off pain and guilt, which means next up is-” Before Lauren can finish, Claire points at her. “No, this is actually all YOUR FAULT! I might not have remembered, BUT WHY DIDN’T YOU REMIND ME?! HM?!?!” Claire questions. “You know I don’t drink wine. I drink beer and I drink whiskey!” Lauren notes. “Oh okay, I see. So you’re all set with your booze so to hell with everybody else?! Way to be a self centered BITCH Lauren! Oh my god, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I am just very emotional right now, I-I think I need time to mourn.” Claire says. “Take all the time you need.” Lauren says. “Oooooh! I have an idea!” Claire excitedly exclaims. “What’s up?” Lauren asks. “How about instead of buying a new bottle of wine, we go out?” Claire asks. “You mean to, like, a club or something?” Lauren asks. “Yes! It could be so great! When was the last time we actually went out?” Claire asks. “I mean, there was that time we…no wait, I saw that on TV. But we did go to the zoo one time and…actually, no, that was in a book. Shit, have we ever actually gone out?” Lauren asks. “We are tonight!” Claire announces. Lauren sighs. “Do we have to? You know how I feel about being around other people!” Lauren says. “Come on! It’s not like you’d have to talk to these other people! Sure it would be a room full of people, but from our point of view, it’ll just be you and me. Anyways, I’m gonna head upstairs and get changed! This is gonna be so much fun! I’ll even see if I can find you a cute dress in the closet!” Claire says. Claire runs upstairs. “Claire, hold on! I hate wearing dresses! Ah, forget it.” Lauren says.

2 Hours Later…

Lauren is still sitting on the sofa. “Are you almost done up there yet?!” Lauren shouts. “I SAID JUST A MINUTE!” Claire can be heard snapping. “You’ve been saying just a minute for the past hour and a half!” Lauren yells. Someone knocks on the door. “Don’t worry! I’ll get it!” Lauren tells her. Lauren opens the door and finds Andre standing outside. “WHAT?!” Lauren asks. “Is…this a bad time?” Andre questions. Lauren growls at Andre. “I see…anyways, I have a favor to ask of you. May I borrow your slow cooker? I planned on making this yummy chicken pot pie casserole tomorrow, but it would appear mine got lost in the move!” Andre says. Claire comes downstairs wearing a sparkling purple dress. “Okay, I’m ready!” Claire exclaims. Lauren turns towards Claire. “Wow, you look…” Lauren begins to say. “Terrific? I know.” Claire says, as she kisses Lauren on the cheek. Claire notices Andre in the doorway. “Oh, hey Andre. What’s up?” Claire asks. “What a magnificent dress!” Andre exclaims. “Oh, thanks. We’re going clubbing.” Claire reveals. “A club? It has been YEARS since I have gone to a club!” Andre notes. “Good for you.” Lauren says. “I sure would love to go to a club again sometime…” Andre says. “I’m sure there are plenty in the area you could check out.” Lauren says. “But going alone simply wouldn’t be any good, if only someone would invite me…” Andre says. “Make some friends and maybe somebody will.” Lauren says. “Yes, but making friends can take quite some time. If only there was someone I know now that would be kind enough to invite me, perhaps a neighbor…” Andre hints. “Go knock on Mia Goo’s door, I’m sure she has nothing else going on.” Lauren says. “But why go across the street when I’m in the presence of neighbors?” Andre asks. “You are NOT coming with us!” Lauren growls. “Oh, is that what he was getting at? Geez, you could’ve tried to be more obvious about it, Andre. If you really want to come though, I don’t see the harm.” Claire says. “Oh for fuck’s sake…” Lauren mutters. “Wait, REEEEEEEEALLY?!” Andre asks. Claire shrugs. “Sure, we could use a third wheel.” Claire says. Andre pulls Claire into a hug. “Oh thank you, dear friend! You won’t regret this!” Andre exclaims. “I doubt that. So we ready to go or what?” Lauren asks. “Not quite yet! I can’t go out looking like THIS!” Andre says. “Like what?” Lauren asks. “Like THIS!” Andre states. “You look the same as you always do!” Lauren points out. “Exactly! If I am going to be out in public, I need to do my hair, my eye liner, I need to pick out a nicer suit. Perhaps even a tuxedo!” Andre suggests. “You’re going to a club, not to a fucking coronation!” Lauren notes. “Don’t worry, my lovelies! I will be just a moment! Why don’t you gals wait in the car for me?” Andre asks. Andre begins skipping down the walkway. “Oh, this is going to be so much fun!” Andre exclaims, as he skips across the street to his house. Claire puts her hands on Lauren’s shoulders. “Chin up, babe! I’m sure he won’t take that long.” Claire says.

1 Hour Later…

Claire and Lauren are both sitting in the car, waiting for Andre. “Okay, where the fuck is he?” Lauren wonders. “I’m sure he’ll only be another minute.” Claire says. Lauren slams her head into the steering wheel. The back seat door opens. “There you are! Can we go alrea-” Before Lauren can finish, she sees Dun Dun climb into the back seat. “Dun Dun have bone to pick with you!” Dun Dun yells, pointing at Claire. “I’ve got a bone to pick with you! Thanks to your phony driving school and your stolen car, I’m not allowed to drive again or try for my license for another two years! If I’m caught even sitting in the driver’s seat of the fucking car, I’ll get an automatic one year prison sentence!” Claire yells. “You think that bad?! Well Dun Dun business close down and it all your fault! Do you like ruining Dun Dun life? Is that how Blaire get her thrill? By crushing dream of young entrepreneur trying to make life for herself? First it was toilet paper business, now it driving school?! What next? Is Blaire going to get Dun Dun lemonade business closed down? Maybe Blaire tell cops that Dun Dun selling NFT!” Dun Dun yells. “That isn’t a crime, but it is a pretty shitty business practice.” Claire says. Andre climbs into the back seat. “I am reeeeeeeady!” Andre sings. “Are you fucking kidding me? You were in there for an hour and you don’t look any different!” Lauren yells. “The joke is on you, my dear! I combed my hair!” Andre announces. “Wait. Where you three going?” Dun Dun asks. “We’re going to the club! Would you like to accompany us?” Andre asks. “Dun Dun guess. She no got nothing better going on.” Dun Dun says. Lauren squeezes onto the steering wheel in anger. “Can we just go already?” Lauren asks. “Not yet! Dun Dun have to get ready first!” Dun Dun announces. “Get ready?! You’re a stick figure! You don’t wear any clothes!” Lauren points out. “That why Dun Dun need to go get ready! She can’t be naked in public! That indecent! Don’t worry Laura, Dun Dun only be minute.” Dun Dun says, before climbing out of the car. “All in favor of leaving without her?” Lauren asks. Claire raises her hand. “Andre?” Lauren asks. “Dun Dun is my neighbor, I would never dream of abandoning her!” Andre says. “Doesn’t mind murdering a room full of fucking people but he won’t ditch someone who’s probably gonna steal his wallet before the night is over…” Lauren mutters. “What was that?” Andre asks. “NOTHING!” Lauren yells. “Babe, you good?” Claire asks. “I’m fine…” Lauren claims.

At the club, Lauren, Claire, Andre, and Dun Dun walk up to the front door. “Hold it!” The bouncer shouts. “Is there a problem?” Claire asks. “That one looks too young to be going in any sort of club.” The bouncer says, pointing at Dun Dun. “You only say that because Dun Dun short! You got problem with short people, buddy?! Why you no give Laura problem? She no much taller than Dun Dun!” Dun Dun states. “Fuck off!” Lauren snaps. “Do you have an ID?” The bouncer asks. “How dare you treat Dun Dun like criminal! Dun Dun offensive!” Dun Dun yells. Andre leans in. “I believe the word you’re looking for is offended.” Andre says. “Excuse Dun Dun, grammar police! Dun Dun say what she mean!” Dun Dun yells. “Can I have an ID?!?!” The bouncer asks. Dun Dun hands the bouncer an ID. “Are you fucking kidding me? This is just some ugly drawing made from crayons!” The bouncer says. “Well you no need to insult Dun Dun artwork! She try her best!” Dun Dun says. “She isn’t underaged, but since you don’t believe us, would it mean anything if we told you we’d chaperone her?” Claire asks. “Dun Dun no need-” Before Dun Dun can finish, Claire covers her mouth. “I mean, I guess that’d be okay.” The bouncer says. Dun Dun bites Claire’s hand. “OW!” Claire screams. Dun Dun then kicks the bouncer in the shin and walks into the club, followed by Lauren, Claire, and Andre.

The four are now inside the club. “Okay, before we do anything, let me be the first to set some ground rules. I need the three of you to be on your best behavior, okay? We don’t want anyone going to jail tonight!” Lauren says. “I cannot afford to commit any crimes, I’m on probation!” Andre says. “Dun Dun too.” Dun Dun says. “Samesies.” Claire says. “Alright, good. So then we all understand.” Lauren says. “I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about, babe. Everything is gonna be just fine.” Claire says.

5 Minutes Later…

Andre is standing on top of a table and throws a bottle onto the floor. “Enough of this weak shit! Where are the shots?!?!” Andre asks. At the bar, Dun Dun is lovingly gazing at the cash register. “You know, you and Dun Dun have lot in common. Dun Dun like money, you like money, maybe we should…Dun Dun no know…go out sometime? Perhaps?” Dun Dun asks. Across the club, Claire and Lauren are sitting at a booth. “If the cops come, we’re gonna pretend like we don’t know those two, right?” Claire asks. “Yup…” Lauren mutters. “K, just checking.” Claire says. A man with red, long hair walks up to the table. “Claire?” The man asks. “Oh my god, ALONZO?” Claire asks. Claire stands up and hugs Alonzo. “I can’t believe it’s you! How many years has it been?” Claire asks. “A lot.” Alonzo says. “Wait, isn’t he a member of The Zodiac Alliance?” Lauren asks. “Yeah, but Alonzo and I go way, WAY back. He and I met before I moved to Fantastic, back when I was still living on the island.” Claire says. “I see…out of curiosity, HOW did you two know each other?” Lauren asks. “Oh, we dated for a few years.” Claire says. Lauren squeezes the beer bottle she is holding and shatters it. “How have you been? What have you been doing?” Claire asks. “When I’m not helping out the alliance, I do some work for the WPA now and then.” Alonzo says. “Wow, I thought you left that all behind you.” Claire says. “The work never leaves you.” Alonzo says. “Just as edgy as always! Glad to see some things never change! You want to get a drink or something?” Claire asks. “Sure. I would like a drink.” Alonzo says, before walking off with Claire. “Waiter! I’m gonna need another drink.” Lauren states.

Across the club, Andre downs another shot and puts the empty glass with the other 13 empty shot glasses at his table. Andre then pulls out his phone and makes a call. “Damn it, voicemail again!” Andre clears his throat. “Helloooooooo Mogul. I could not help but notice that every time I phone you, it goes straight to voicemail! I am beginning to suspect that perhaps you blocked me? I’m not surprised, it must sicken you to know that I am living my best love…best LIFE! I MEANT BEST LIFE! And before you even suggest it, I am NOT drunk! I am just fucking happy! That is all! HAPPY! HAPPY TO BE RID OF YOU! YOU TOXIC, IDEA STEALING PIECE OF SHIT! I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO LAY EYES ON YOU AGAIN! YOU DISGUST ME! Love you forever and always! Call me sometime, babe! YOU FUCKING BITCH!” Andre screams, before hanging up. Dun Dun walks over to the table, carrying the cash register. “Where did you get that from?” Andre asks. “Dun Dun think she finally find true love. We going steady.” Dun Dun says. “You go, girlfriend! Congratulations!” Andre exclaims. “"Has anyone seen the cash register?” The bartender can be heard asking. Dun Dun quickly shoves the cash register under her chair. “Dun Dun see cat run out back door with it! He say his name Mister of the Whiskers!” Dun Dun lies. “Thanks ma'am! I'm glad we can count on honest civilians like yourself to report when a crime is committed!” The bartender says, before running out the back door. Dun Dun pulls the cash register back out and hugs it. “No, thank you.” Dun Dun says. “Dun Dun, do you happen to know anything about romance?” Andre asks. “Dun Dun no date, it her policy. If you want love advice from Dun Dun, she consider that therapy and charge fee of $50. That only starting rate!” Dun Dun says. “Since I'm your neighbor, could I perhaps get a bit of a deal?” Andre asks. “Hm. Dun Dun like you, you do lot of bad things to lot of good people. That make you good guy in Dun Dun book! So instead of charging you Dun Dun usual fee, she'll charge you double.” Dun Dun says. “Deal!” Andre exclaims, before shaking Dun Dun's hand. “Now tell Dun Dun problem, after you give her money of course.” Dun Dun says. Andre pulls out a $100 bill and hands it to Dun Dun. “Okay, so my problem is, I’'m struggling to get over my-” Before Andre can finish, Dun Dun starts yawning. “Are-are you even listening?” Andre asks. “Dun Dun sorry, Yandere, but you boring her.” Dun Dun says, before standing up. “That's it?! You are just going to walk away? Do I at the very least get a refund?” Andre asks. “You pay Dun Dun to listen to you, she did! It no Dun Dun fault you no have anything interesting to say.” Dun Dun says. Dun Dun picks up the cash register and walks away. “Wait a minute, did she call me Yandere? Did she botch my name or was she attempting to tell me something?” Andre wonders.

As Lauren eyes them from nearby, Claire and Alonzo are sitting at the bar. “So, you guys at The Zodiac Alliance staying busy?” Claire wonders. “There isn't much crime happening in Saturn City. Usually if I want any action, I've gotta go back to the WPA for it.” Alonzo says. “I remember how much you used to like the work. It's the reason we ended up breaking up.” Claire recalls. “Sounds like you live a pretty action packed life of your own these days. I hear you're helping out Dylan and Andy with keeping Fantastic City safe.” Alonzo says. “Meh, I'm semi retired.” Claire says. “I'm surprised you didn't go back to the island then.” Alonzo says. “I'm a city girl now, I could never go back.” Claire says. “I've wanted to settle down myself for a while, just never could find the right person to settle down with…” Alonzo admits. “Could be because of your not so charming personality. I remember when we met how reserved and edgy acting you were, it literally took me forever to get you to form a complete sentence!” Claire recalls. “I had to shut you up somehow.” Alonzo jokes. Claire smiles. “Those were some good times.” Claire admits. “I miss those days. You were the only person I've ever felt a connection with like that.” Alonzo says. “Then maybe you shouldn't have left.” Claire tells him. “Maybe I shouldn't have. You gave me the option to stick with my job and leave you or stay and build a life with you. I love the work but I'm pretty sure I chose wrong.” Alonzo says. “What are you saying?” Claire asks. “Maybe we should try again.” Alonzo suggests. “It's been a long time…” Claire notes. Alonzo places his hand on Claire's. “My feelings haven't changed.” Alonzo tells her. In the background, Lauren is visibly fuming as she downs another beer. Claire pulls her hand away and nervously laughs. “Okay, I think there's been a bit of miscommunication. I can't be with you.” Claire says. “Can't or won't?” Alonzo asks. “Both. You know the woman I was with earlier? She's my girlfriend.” Claire says. “I had no idea you were gay.” Alonzo says. “I'm bi. Regardless though, Lauren is my whole fucking world. Meeting her was the best day of my life and losing her in any way would be the worst day of my life. I love her and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life loving her, no question.” Claire says. “As a spy, I'm trained to be able to tell when someone isn't being honest. Your profession of love for this woman…it's authentic.” Alonzo says. “Probably the most authentic thing about me.” Claire admits. “I'm glad you're happy. Good luck.” Alonzo says, before standing up and walking away. “Same to you…” Claire mutters. Claire turns towards the bartender. “Can I have one glass of wine and a glass of whiskey please?” Claire asks.

At Lauren's booth, she sucks down another beer just as Andre sits across from her. “You won't believe the audacity of that BITCH Dun Dun!” Andre says. “I guarantee I'll believe it.” Lauren says. “She offered me love advice in exchange for $100, I gave it to her, and then she didn't give me the advice! I’'ve been hoodwinked!” Andre shouts. “It's your own fault. Why the fuck would you give her $100 for love advice?” Lauren asks. “She seemed like a trustworthy individual to me! How was I to know she'd be willing to stab me in the back at a moment's notice? What the fuck was the point of moving to the suburbs when I can't even trust my own fucking neighbors?! I may as well have stayed in the rich part of town! At least they are honest about the fact that they are all pieces of shit! Most of them, anyway…” Andre says. “You could always move back.” Lauren suggests. “Absolutely not! I refuse to give Dun Dun the satisfaction of driving me out of the neighborhood! No, I am going to do the most evil thing I could possibly do to her by continuing to be her neighbor! THAT WILL TEACH HER!” Andre shouts, before he begins maniacally laughing. “People are staring…” Lauren points out. Andre stops laughing. “Wow, it's been a while since I have gotten in a real good evil laugh! What a glorious day this is! Anyways, since Dun Dun was incapable of giving me romantic advice, perhaps you could do so yourself.” Andre says. “Oh for fuck's sake…” Lauren complains. “You see, I absolutely DETEST that wretched Mogul! Especially after he stole my idea about the brainwashing VR headset! Unforgivable, yes? And yet, I find myself longing for him! Longing for his delicate touch! Among other things…” Andre says. “Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking throw up…” Lauren says. “So, what do you think?” Andre asks. “I wish I were wearing ear plugs.” Lauren says. “No! I mean what do you think I should do about Mogul? Should I go back and see if we can start anew? Should I go find someone else to make my heart explode?” Andre asks. “Can’t you just find someone to help you explode, period?” Lauren asks. “You are not helping!” Andre shouts. “You want my fucking help?! You’re wasting your time! Sure things may look all nice and dandy for a while there, but eventually, no matter who you end up with, they are gonna walk away and leave you holding the bag, or in this case the beer! Then you’ll be forgotten about, all alone! HOW’S THAT FOR FUCKING HELP?!?!” Lauren asks. Andre’s eyes widen. “Uh…I believe you may have had one too many of these.” Andre says, as he carefully slides Lauren’s beer away from her. Lauren snatches the beer out of Andre’s hand. “I’m fine!” Lauren growls, before drinking the beer. “Alright, then! I suppose I’ll leave you to your devices then! See you in the car!” Andre says, before sliding out of the booth, falling onto the floor, and then getting up and running away. Lauren holds up her empty beer bottle. “I could use another!” Lauren shouts.

Claire and Dun Dun are now sitting at the bar. “I can’t believe you found someone you truly love! Good for you, girlfriend!” Claire says. “Thank you. Dun Dun have feeling cash register gonna make her very happy woman.” Dun Dun says. The bartender hands Claire the two drinks she ordered earlier. “Ah, thank you! Now I can finally get back to Lauren. I hope she wasn’t waiting on me to order a drink.” Claire says. Andre walks up to them. “Uh, Claire dear, a word?” Andre asks. “I know what you’re gonna say, Andre. You think Dun Dun’s relationship with the cash register is unhealthy. Personally, I think it’s cute. Let Dun Dun love who she wants to love.” Claire says. “I’m less concerned about who Dun Dun loves and more concerned about the woman you love. Lauren…she…uh…she seems to be a tad on edge tonight.” Andre says. “Oh, that’s nothing new! She’s always on edge! Don’t worry though, once you get to know her, she’s like this cuddly teddy bear!” Claire says. “I may be new to the neighborhood, but I’m fairly certain this isn’t normal behavior for her. Perhaps you could go and check it out?” Andre asks. “Sure. I was heading back to the table anyway. You kids behave yourselves, k?” Claire says, before walking away. Andre turns towards Dun Dun. “Any chance we can revisit the topic of my refund?” Andre asks. “Do you have receipt?” Dun Dun asks. “You never gave me a receipt!” Andre points out. “THEN YOU NO GET REFUND!” Dun Dun screams.

Claire walks over to her and Lauren’s booth and sits across from Lauren. “Lauren, pookie, everything okay?” Claire wonders. “Where’d Alfonso go?” Lauren wonders. “His name is Alonzo, and he’s off somewhere at his own table. Anyways, Andre mentioned that you seemed kinda on edge, so…you good?” Claire asks. “I’m fine…” Lauren mutters. “You sure?” Claire asks. “I SAID I’M FINE!” Lauren shouts, before standing up and storming out.

Outside the club, it is now pouring. Claire comes out the front door and finds Lauren sitting on a bench. “Babe, what’s going on?” Claire asks. “I didn’t even want to come…the only reason I did is because I knew it was something you really wanted to do and because I wanted to spend time with you.” Lauren says. “I know, and I appreciate that.” Claire says. “Do you?! Because practically the minute we walked through that front door, your ex walked over to us and you ditched me to go and talk to him! It was like I wasn’t even in the fucking room!” Lauren yells. “Hold on, you can’t seriously be jealous…Lauren, Alonzo and I have been finished for years!” Claire notes. “He was holding your hand…” Lauren points out. “And I shut him down real quick! You are the one I want to be with.” Claire says. “If that’s true, how come you were so quick to ditch me and go spend time with him?” Lauren asks. “It’s just, I haven’t seen him in a really long time and…yeah, I guess I could see how that looks.” Claire says. Claire walks over to Lauren and sits on the bench next to her. “I’m sorry…” Claire tells her. “I know that before me, you had dated a ton of guys. I know I was the first woman you were ever actually involved with, and I also know any of those guys could probably give you something that I can’t.” Lauren says. “Hold on, you don’t mean…” Claire begins to say. “I don’t mean that, Claire! I mean a sex life in general!” Lauren says. “What? Lauren, I told you when we first got together that I was fine with you being ace! It’s not a problem for me!” Claire says. “Words are cheap. It’s so damn easy for someone to say they’re okay with something, but the more they have to live with it, the more they realize they were never okay with it to begin with. You know…Alonzo is a lot like me. A WPA agent, a person of action, he’s able to make you smile…seeing the two of you together tonight made me think of how he could basically fill the same role in your life that I do, except he’d be able to actually sleep with you. And before you say it, I know that a lot of this is probably the beer talking, but my concerns are still valid!” Lauren says. “I’m not gonna tell you how to feel, but I am definitely going to tell you how I feel.” Claire says. Claire picks up Lauren’s hand and places it on her heart. “Do you feel how fast my heart is beating? It’s beating that fast not because of Alonzo or any other man or woman, it’s beating that fast because of you, because of how you make me feel! And sure, sex is cool and all, but you know what is even better? Love. And as long as I get to be your partner, I’m fine with no sex. I’m so sorry if even for a second, I ever gave you any other impression. I know that I can be messy, self centered, oblivious, and all sorts of other bad things, but one thing that will always, ALWAYS be consistent about me is the way I feel about you.” Claire says. Lauren places her hand on Claire’s face. “Thank you, and I’m sorry that I’m suddenly this big mess.” Lauren says. “Hey, don’t you ever apologize for telling me how you feel. We may not always act it, but we’re two adults who know how to communicate with each other, and that is why you and I are forever.” Claire says. Lauren leans in and hugs Claire. “I love you more than anything.” Lauren tells her. “I love you, too. Hey, the night is still young! How about we go back inside and order another round?” Claire asks. “I…don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t feel so good.” Lauren admits. “Wow, you must be really shit faced! As long as I’ve known you, I’ve never known you to get sick from drinking. I guess that’s probably my fault…” Claire says. “No. You made me feel better about myself and about our relationship. This is who I am, and you accept me for it, and it is the most beautiful thing in the world.” Lauren says. “Awww, I kinda like how sentimental you’re being.” Claire says. “Trust me, I won’t be like this in the morning.” Lauren says. “Yeah, you’ll be dealing with a massive hangover instead.” Claire says. Claire stands up. “Come on, let’s go collect Andre and Dun Dun and then head home. Being intimate is obviously out of the question, so could I maybe interest you in cuddling?” Claire asks. Lauren smiles. “I’d love that. Let’s just hope Andre and Dun Dun are behaving themselves in there so we can get the hell out of here.” Lauren says.

Inside, Andre is sitting at the bar when someone taps on his shoulder. “Andre Stanpatos?!” A voice asks. Andre turns around and sees Alonzo. “Who the fuck are you?!” Andre questions. “My name is Alonzo, I’m an agent of the WPA as well as a member of The Zodiac Alliance.” Alonzo introduces himself. Andre gasps. “THE ZODIAC ALLIANCE?!?!....Never heard of them.” Andre says. “We fight crime in a city known as Saturn City.” Alonzo says. “The name still doesn’t seem to ring a bell. Is that just a fancy term for the boy scouts?” Andre asks. “We have girls too!” Alonzo snaps. “How inclusive of you.” Andre says, as he sips his drink. “Listen! I’m tired of people not taking The Zodiac Alliance seriously! I think the best way to solve that problem would be to score us a really big win!” Alonzo says. “A big win? Have you considered bringing the gang on a field trip to Vegas? Depending on your luck, you may just find the big win you’re looking for!” Andre suggests. “I’m not messing around! I think plenty of people would take us seriously if I brought you in…dead or alive.” Alonzo growls. Andre smirks. “Now you're talking my kind of language.” Andre says. Andre pulls out two pistols and begins shooting at Alonzo! Alonzo jumps behind a table, and then pokes his head out and begins returning fire. As the shooting intensifies, Lauren and Claire walk back in. “The fuck is this?!” Claire questions. “We leave you alone for five minutes! FIVE MINUTES!” Lauren screams. “He started it! By the way, were you ladies able to sort out your differences?” Andre asks. “Yeah, we’re good now.” Claire says, as she wraps her arm around Lauren. “Oooooooooh, how fabulous! I’m so happy for the both of you! Now if you’ll excuse me ever so briefly, I need to exterminate the rodent who has infested our night out!” Andre says. Andre begins firing back at Alonzo. “Should we just…leave?” Claire asks. “Just a sec.” Lauren says. Lauren picks up an empty beer bottle, walks up behind Alonzo, and smashes it over his head! “That’s for hitting on my girlfriend, asshole.” Lauren says. Lauren walks back over to Claire. “Okay, we can go now.” Lauren says. Andre runs up to them. “Wait for me! I need to get the hell out of here before the police show up!” Andre says. “Wait, where’s Dun Dun?” Claire asks. “Oh, her? She decided to take her new paramour out on a romantic picnic! I suspect she’ll be out rather late!” Andre says.

In the park, its still raining as Dun Dun and the cash register are sitting on a blanket. “Dun Dun love you so, cash register! What do you say? Can you give money to Dun Dun to show her you love?” Dun Dun asks. Dun Dun presses a button on the cash register, it opens, and Dun Dun discovers it is empty. “YOU EMPTY?! YOU TEASE! HOW DARE YOU LEAD DUN DUN ON LIKE THIS! WE OVER!” Dun Dun screams, before standing up, and kicking the cash register down a hill! The cash register bounces down the hill, lands in the street, and then gets run over by a car! “AND STAY DEAD! LYING BITCH!” Dun Dun screams.