LaurClaire S2 Episode 02: DMV- Dumb Moronic V-SOMETHING!!!

In Lauren and Claire’s backyard, Claire is swimming laps in the pool as Lauren is lying in a lounge chair, on the phone. “I’m sorry Aunt Linda, I really wish I could make it. It’s just that Claire and I have been really, REALLY busy lately, we haven’t even had a single second to relax.” Lauren claims. “Hey Lauren, when are you gonna jump in the pool with me? This is really relaxing!” Claire shouts. “Just a second!” Lauren yells back. Lauren returns to her phone call. “Yes Aunt Linda, that was Claire in the background…yes, we’re hanging out by the pool…okay, maybe we aren’t THAT busy…you know what? No! The reason I don’t want to go to your husband’s funeral is because he was a shitty ass person, just like you! Besides, what’s the big deal? You’re just gonna remarry in six weeks like you did after your last seven husbands died! Oh, and just so you know, Make America Great Again is a stupid slogan, okay? It was never great to begin with! It sucks here! Fuck you! Fuck Ronald Grump! Fuck all your dead husbands, they were lucky to get away from you! Good bye!” Lauren says, before hanging up. “Wow, that felt good…shit! I forgot to tell her how ugly her stupid hat collection is. Let me call her back real fast…” Lauren says. Claire runs up to Lauren. “Linda?” Claire asks. “Linda.” Lauren confirms. “So are we going to the funeral?” Claire questions. “Nope.” Lauren answers. “Phew! I thought that meant I was gonna have to dig out the old ‘Linda’s husband’s funeral dress’ for the millionth time! I’ve always hated that dress. I’ve always hated Linda.” Claire admits. “Same.” Lauren agrees. Dun Dun pokes her head over the fence. “Hello, kind neighbors!” Dun Dun explains. “Screw you!” Claire says. “Fuck off!” Lauren adds. “Oh…it that kind of day. Dun Dun see how it is.” Dun Dun says. “We are incredibly busy people, Dun Dun, can you please make this fast?” Claire asks. “Dun Dun need ride.” Dun Dun tells them. Claire looks over at Lauren. “Oh no! Never again! Last time I gave her a ride, she tore up my car seats and then sent ME a bill because she chipped her nails!” Lauren recalls. “Dun Dun no do that if she no have to hold on for dear life because Laura drive like lunat-uh, what Dun Dun mean to say is she sorry for any pleasantness Dun Dun cause.” Dun Dun says. “You mean unpleasantness?” Claire asks. “Dun Dun mean what Dun Dun say.” Dun Dun says. “Well, where do you need to go?” Claire asks. “Claire, can we talk for a sec?” Lauren asks. Claire sits on the lounge chair next to Lauren. “What’s up, bae?” Claire asks. “You cannot do a favor for that woman! If you do it once, she’ll keep expecting it! It’ll start off with simple favors, then they’ll become more complex. The next thing you know, she’ll be moving in with us! She’ll be sharing a bedroom with us! Is that what you want?” Lauren asks. “I think you’re being a bit melodramatic, sweetie.” Claire says. Claire stands up and walks over to Dun Dun. “Where did you say you wanted to go?” Claire asks. “Goo Villa.” Dun Dun says. “You mean Village?” Claire questions. “Whatever.” Dun Dun responds. “You plan on doing shopping or something?” Claire asks. “What? Dun Dun no have money for that! She need to pick through fountain for pennies! THEN Dun Dun go shopping!” Dun Dun says. Claire looks at Lauren, who is shaking her head. “I mean…I GUESS I could drop you off. I mean, it’s only like a five minute drive from here.” Claire says. “This why Blaire is Dun Dun favorite neighbor!” Dun Dun says. “My name is Claire.” Claire corrects her. “Is that not what Dun Dun say?” Dun Dun asks. Claire rolls her eyes. “Come on, let’s go!” Claire urges. Claire turns towards Lauren and puts her hand on Lauren’s cheek. “Hey, don’t worry! I’ll be back in less than a half hour! Then we’ll be able to spend the WHOLE afternoon together.” Claire says. “I mean…I guess a little alone time wouldn’t hurt.” Lauren says. “That’s the spirit! Brb.” Claire says, as she and Dun Dun walk off.

In the car, Dun Dun’s nails are digging into the car seat as Claire drives. “Uh…do Blaire no think she going a little fast?” Dun Dun asks. “Nope. Wait, are you digging into my car seat?! I just bought those seat covers!” Claire shouts. Sirens can be heard coming up behind the car. “Oh thank god…” Dun Dun mutters. Claire pulls over and a police car parks right behind her. Claire rolls down her window just in time for Cop to walk up to it. Cop notices Dun Dun sitting in the passenger seat and Dun Dun nervously waves at him. “Can I help you with something, officer?” Claire asks. “Ma’am, do you have any idea how fast you were going?” Cop asks. “I don’t know. I never pay attention to any of that.” Claire admits. “Well let me answer that for you! You’ve gotta be going pretty fast for me to notice! I’ve got better things to do, like taking naps under an overpass, I usually try to avoid this sorta thing!” Cop says. “Whoops, sorry about that. So are you gonna give me a ticket or something?” Claire asks. “I’m gonna need to see your driver’s license.” Cop says. “My what now?” Claire questions. “Your driver’s license! You need one of those to operate any sort of motor vehicle!” Cop says. “I’m sorry, just who do you think you’re talking to? I’m a superhero, buddy! I don’t need a driver’s license!” Claire says. Cop turns to look at Dun Dun. “Typical! Crime committed so it must be Dun Dun fault, right?! Well Dun Dun have Cop know she got perfectly good reason to be in car! She Blaire hostage!” Dun Dun shouts. “Yeah! She’s my-WAIT, WHAT?!” Claire asks. “Dun Dun was feeding orphan as Dun Dun usually do, when Blaire roll up to Dun Dun and point rocket launcher at her! Blaire said if Dun Dun no get in car, Blaire going to blow up orphanage! Can you believe that?! Of course Dun Dun do it! Dun Dun heart bigger than life!” Dun Dun says. “You fucking little bitch! Why would you lie when there was nothing wrong with what you were actually doing?!” Claire asks. “Here life lesson from Dun Dun to Blaire. Truth boring, lying fun! Dun Dun sure that help Blaire survive prison.” Dun Dun says, before getting out of the car and walking away. “I’m gonna need you to step out of the car and put your hands on your head, ma’am.” Cop tells Claire.

At the police station, Claire and Lauren are walking down the front steps. “And then she says “Truth boring, lying fun! Dun Dun sure that help Blaire survive prison!” And yes, she did call me Blaire! She called me Blaire multiple times! Then she got out of the car and left, that bald little stick figure man arrested me, I had to take a mugshot! I swear to god, that better not end up on the news! It better FUCKING not! And then there’s YOU!” Claire shouts. “Me? What did I do?” Lauren asks. “How come you never mentioned to me that you aren’t allowed to drive without a license?!” Claire questions. “I just figured you knew.” Lauren says. “I did not know that! Being a superhero gives me free parking and free coffee, I thought it meant other rules didn’t apply to me either! What’s the fucking point then?!” Claire questions. “Well I guess I’ll be behind the wheel whenever we’ve gotta go anywhere from now on. I’m perfectly okay with that.” Lauren says. “Oh no! This is not over! I am taking a stand!” Claire states. “Do you plan on going on strike or something? No more saving lives until they pass a bill that lets you do whatever the hell you want?” Lauren asks. “No! I am going to head down to the race track and I am going to go for my driver’s test!” Claire says. “That’s the DMV, babe.” Lauren says. “No no, I’m going there after. I’m gonna head to the race track first for some practice.” Claire says. “Because that’s a GREAT idea. Listen, before you go for the test, maybe you should study the manual.” Lauren suggests. “Silly Lauren, I don’t need to study a manual! I’m a superhero! The right answers always come naturally to me! I’ll pass the test with flying colors!” Claire exclaims.

At the DMV, Lauren is sitting on a bench outside, reading a magazine, when Claire kicks the front door open and walks out. “UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE!” Claire screams. “Scream a little louder, I don’t think they could hear you in the next galaxy.” Lauren sarcastically says. “Can you believe they failed me? ME?! The test must’ve been rigged, it’s the only explanation!” Claire says. “Or maybe you should’ve studied the manual like I had told you to.” Lauren says. “No, it is definitely the DMV’s fault! Find me Betty Thorne’s number, I am suing these bastards for every penny they have!” Claire says. “This is Fantastic City, I wouldn’t expect to get much.” Lauren notes. “At the very least, maybe I’ll get my license!” Claire says. “Okay, here’s an idea. How about you study the manual like I suggested, and then try back in a week? As for the driving test, I’ll give you lessons if you want.” Lauren says. “Aw, you’d do that for me?” Claire asks. “Eh, I’ve got nothing else going on.” Lauren says. Claire pulls Lauren into a tight embrace. “You are the sweetest girlfriend EVER!” Claire exclaims. “Claire, you’re hurting me…” Lauren mutters.

At home, Lauren and Claire are sitting in their car, in the driveway, with Claire in the driver's seat. “So I think the best way to start you off is to try the back roads first. Nobody comes down this street, so we should be good.” Lauren says. “Babe, I've been doing this for years. The license is just a formality.” Claire says. “If you say so. Let's give it a shot then.” Lauren says. Claire slams on the gas pedal and goes speeding out of the driveway. Claire then slams on the brakes and does a sharp turn onto the street. “Uh, Claire, that might've been a touch too fast.” Lauren says. “It's okay, I'm just getting warmed up!” Claire says. Claire changes the gear of the car and reverses right into another car! “Oh shit…” Lauren mutters. “Oops, I thought I was putting the car into drive…” Claire says. “You WERE in drive! The hell gear did you think you were in before?” Lauren asks. “I thought it was there was a different one from when you pull out of the driveway and when you drive on the actual street! Do you have any idea who's car that is?” Claire asks. “Mia Goo's.” Lauren reveals. “She has a driveway! What the fuck is she doing parked on the street?” Claire questions. “I don't fucking know! Do I look like a Mia Goo encyclopedia?” Lauren asks. “Gus darling, can you go outside and check to see what that loud crash was? It better not have been anyone hitting by beautiful Goo Mobile!” Mia can be heard shouting. “Damn it…okay, this isn't gonna work.” Lauren says. “Me driving?” Claire asks. “No, no! You are gonna learn. I just think maybe we should bring in a professional. You know, someone who is trained to do this sort of thing for a living.” Lauren says. “You mean like a driving school?” Claire asks. “Exactly!” Lauren says. “I don't get it. How come you don't want to give me lessons anymore?” Claire questions. Lauren turns towards her and sees Claire giving her sad eyes. “Well…uh…it's just…I'm just not the best teacher!” Lauren claims. “Oh, well why didn't you say that in the first place? Come on then, we better start looking for a driving school and get out of here before Mia Goo sees I hit her car!” Claire says.

Later, Claire is looking out the window, as Lauren sits on the sofa reading a book. “Any sign of your driving teacher yet?” Lauren asks. “Not ye-oh! Wait! A car just pulled up out front!” Claire exclaims. Claire runs over to Lauren and kisses her. “Wish me luck!” Claire tells her. “Good luck.” Lauren says. Claire runs out the door and to the car parked out front. Claire climbs into the car. “Hi, I'm Claire Riley! Thank you so much for accepting me as a stude-oh shit, it's you.” Claire says. Dun Dun is revealed to be sitting in the passenger's seat, wearing a fake mustache! “Are you Blaire Miley?” Dun Dun asks. “I just told you what my name was! Not only that, we've been neighbors for years!” Claire notes. “It nice to meet you, Blaire. I Dun Dun.” Dun Dun says. “I know who you are! Like I said, we've lived on the same street for years!” Claire points out. “Dun Dun no mix work life with personal life.” Dun Dun says. “And since when do you do this for work?” Claire asks. “Since day ago! Dun Dun was in car with lady who have no license, and lady got thrown in jail! That when Dun Dun realize that there money to be made here!” Dun Dun says. “Dun Dun, that lady was me.” Claire reminds her. “Dun Dun think she remember the name Blaire Miley if she heard it before.” Dun Dun says. “Fucking idiot…” Claire mutters. “WHAT?!” Dun Dun asks. “N-nothing!” Claire says. “Here what you no going to do in School of Dun! You no going to disrespect her! That number 1 rule! Got it, dumb ass?!” Dun Dun asks. “Yeah, whatever! Let me ask you this though, do YOU even have a license?” Claire asks. “Dun Dun no need license to teach people how to drive! Is Blaire stupid and never heard song? Dun Dun drive no license! NO LICENSE! Do Dun Dun need that print across forehead?” Dun Dun asks. “I'm not even gonna bother arguing…” Claire says. “That wise choice, Blaire.” Dun Dun says. “It's Claire!” Claire snaps. “WHAT DID DUN DUN JUST SAY ABOUT DISRESPECT?! SHE NO TOLERATE IT!” Dun Dun screams. Leafy Fan pokes her head out from the backseat. “Hey lady, when you're practicing driving and everything, can we stop at McRonald's? Leafy is hungry.” Leafy Fan says, holding up a leaf with a smiley face drawn on it. “You've got to be shitting me, who the fuck is this?!” Claire angrily asks. “She next in line for lesson! She also pay for Dun Dun gas, so she get free ride.” Dun Dun says. “You're gonna pay me back next week, right Dun Dun?” Leafy Fan asks. “That no in writing.” Dun Dun argues. “Can we just get this over with please?” Claire asks. “Do Blaire know how to start car?” Dun Dun asks. “Yes, I know how to start a fucking car!” Claire snaps. Claire turns the key and starts the car. “Fuck my life…” Claire mutters.

Back at home, Lauren is lounging on the couch, reading a magazine called ‘Gun's Illustrated’. “OH GOD, MY GOO MOBILE! IT HAS BEEN DESECRATED!” Mia Goo can be heard screaming. Lauren continues reading her magazine. “THE HUMANITY! THE DISRESPECT! THE RUDENESS OF IT ALL!” Mia Goo can be heard screaming. Lauren still ignores the screams. Mia Goo presses her face up against the window and spies Lauren on the couch. “Excuse me! I am having a mental breakdown out here!” Mia Goo notes. “She's always having a mental breakdown…” Lauren mutters. Suddenly, Gus gets thrown through the window and lands on Lauren's floor! “OW! Mia, that hurt!” Gus whines. “Walk it off, you wimp!” Mia Goo shouts. Lauren sighs, stands up, steps over Gus, and opens the door to Mia Goo. Mia Goo smiles. “Hi Lauren! How delightful to see you! Thank you SO much for opening the door!” Mia Goo says. “What the fuck do you want?” Lauren asks. “Well, I'm not sure if you're aware, but there has been a bit of an incident. You see, your bimbo girlfriend crashed into my Goo mobile.” Mia Goo says. “Your what now?” Lauren asks. “My Goo mobile! It's what I call my car! Anyways, it would appear to have an unfortunately sized dent in the rear, and I was just wondering exactly what it is you intend to do about it.” Mia Goo says. “I intend not to care.” Lauren tells her. Any other dumb questions?” Lauren asks. “Now wait just a second! Your idiot girlfriend plowed into the back of my vehicle, leaving it with a terribly unappealing dent, and you don't intend to do anything about it?!” Mia Goo asks. “Mia, I am in terrible pain over here. I fear I may be suffering from internal bleeding.” Gus cries. “Damn it, Gus! No one cares!” Mia Goo shouts. “Look, I feel for you.” Lauren says. Mia Goo smiles. “You do?” Mia Goo asks. “Not really. Look, you want compensation for your car? Well I want compensation for the window you just busted. I guess that makes us even.” Lauren says. “How dare you even bring up your window after what it did to poor Gus!” Mia Goo shouts. “I really do believe I need to get to a hospital…” Gus mutters. “Okay, well how about the time that you kidnapped Claire to try and force her to help you fix things with this dumb ass?” Lauren asks, pointing down at Gus. “Nothing and no one was damaged during that ordeal, except for maybe me after you shot me!” Mia Goo recalls. “Bottom line is we don't owe you shit after everything you've pulled. Just last week, you hit our fucking mailbox and broke it!” Lauren notes. “You have no proof that was me!” Mia Goo claims. “I've got cameras.” Lauren reveals. “The footage is doctored!” Mia Goo argues. “WHY WON'T ANYONE BLOODY HELP ME?!” Gus asks. “Do you hear those cries?! Gus is in dire need of assistance! If you pay me for the damage to my vehicle, I can pay for his medical care!” Mia Goo tells her. “Fuck you.” Lauren says, before slamming the door in Mia Goo's face. Lauren turns and notices Gus on the floor. Lauren picks Gus up and walks over to the broken window. “This is for the broken window!” Lauren shouts. Lauren tosses Gus out the window. “OW!” Mia Goo can be heard screaming. Lauren turns around and sees her magazine closed. “Great, now I lost my fucking place.” Lauren complains.

In Dun Dun's car, Claire is driving with Dun Dun sitting in the passenger seat and Leafy Fan in the backseat. “So then Davey the rock said to Leafy to rock on, and that was the end of that relationship.” Leafy Fan says. Leafy Fan turns towards Claire. “So when are we gonna stop at McRonald's?” Leafy Fan asks. “I'm learning how to drive, I'm not your fucking chauffer!” Claire complains. “Leaf lady said we going to McRonald's, so we going to McRonald's! You no want Dun Dun to give Blaire F, do you?” Dun Dun asks. “Huh? I'm not taking the test right now!” Claire says. “And you never will with that attitude!” Dun Dun argues. Claire steps on the brakes and the car slows down and stops. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!” Dun Dun questions. “The light turned yellow, I was slowing down!” Claire notes. “You no slow down at yellow light! Yellow mean you go faster!” Dun Dun yells. “But what if the light turns red before I get through it?” Claire questions. “Then Blaire should have been going FASTER!” Dun Dun yells. Dun Dun pulls out a notebook and begins writing something down. “What are you doing?” Claire asks. “Blaire fail to obey traffic l-hey, do traffic have two f?” Dun Dun asks. “Yes.” Claire says. Dun Dun scribbles out one of the f's in traffic and continues writing. “Blaire fail to obey trafic law. You know, Dun Dun thought Blaire would have learn lesson when she yell at her about slowing down at yield sign. We no do that here!” Dun Dun says. “They never learn, do they?” Leafy Fan asks. The light turns green. “WHY ARE YOU SITTING THERE?! MOVE! MOVE!” Dun Dun screams at Claire. “Will you chill?! It just turned green!” Claire yells. Dun Dun pulls out her notebook again. “Disrespect Dun Dun…” Dun Dun reads aloud as she writes. “Oh for fuck's sake…” Claire mutters. “HEY! NO SWEARING IN DUN DUN CAR, STUPID BITCH!” Dun Dun screams. Suddenly, police sirens can be heard. Claire looks in her rearview mirror and sees a police car coming up behind her. “What the fuck is this?! I didn't even do anything this time!” Claire states. Claire pulls the car over. “Hey, if she goes to jail, can we still go to McRonald's?” Leafy Fan asks. “We do that during you driving lesson.” Dun Dun says. “Yay!” Leafy Fan exclaims. Claire rolls down the window, just as Cop walks up to it. “Oh heeeeeeey, it's you! Long time no see!” Claire nervously says. “Do you know why I pulled you over, ma'am?” Cop asks. “Probably because of the whole no license thing, but me driving is super legit this time! I'm with my teacher!” Claire says, pointing at Dun Dun. Cop turns to face Dun Dun. “You work for a driving school now?” Cop asks. “Dun Dun have no idea what this woman talking about.” Dun Dun says. “Huh?!” Claire asks. “Ma'am, the reason I pulled you over is because you're driving a stolen vehicle.” Cop reveals. “WHAT?!?!” Claire asks. “Dramaaaaaaa.” Leafy Fan sings. “Care to explain?” Cop asks. “I just told you, I'm taking driving lessons from her!” Claire says, pointing at Dun Dun. “Dun Dun no know what crazy lady talking about. Dun Dun was planting trees and collecting money for charity when Blaire grab her from behind! Dun Dun no criminal, Dun Dun hostage!” Dun Dun lies. Cop turns towards Leafy Fan. “And you?” Cop asks. “Leafy and I just want to go to McRonald's!” Leafy Fan cries. Cop turns back towards Claire. “I'm gonna need you to step out of the car, ma'am.” Cop says. “Dun Dun guess that mean lesson over.” Dun Dun says. “Well since I'm going to jail, I guess I better make it worth it.” Claire says, before punching Dun Dun! Claire then steps out of the car and Cop begins handcuffing her. Leafy Fan looks over at an unconscious Dun Dun. “So no McRonald's AND no driving lesson? This sucks! Leafy and I are out of here!” Leafy Fan announces, before getting out of the car.

At home, Lauren is still reading her magazine when the phone begins to ring. Lauren answers. “Hey, how's the driving lesson going?...you were arrested AGAIN?...So you stole a car and you punched Dun Dun?...Okay, so you only punched Dun Dun, you were framed for the whole stealing thing, got it…yeah, whatever, I'm on my way.” Lauren says. Lauren stands up, opens the front door, and finds Mia Goo standing outside. “Excuse me, but I'm not quite finished with-” Before Mia Goo can finish, Lauren punches her and knocks her out! “You are now.” Lauren says, before stepping over Mia Goo and walking out.

Later, Claire is lying on the couch with her head on Lauren's lap. “So, the good news is that I don't have to go to jail.” Claire says. “And the bad news?” Lauren asks. “I'm not allowed to apply for my license for another two years.” Claire says. “Well that sucks.” Lauren says. “Meh, I work better as a passenger princess anyways. Your passenger princess.” Claire says. Lauren smiles and turns on the TV. “BREAKING NEWS! Local super hero/hooligan Claire Riley has once again been arrested, this time for grand theft auto as well as assaulting Dun Dun, a self proclaimed humanitarian. When asked about the beating she had to endure, Dun Dun told us “she didn’t do nothing to nobody and she still got beat up. Rude!” Miss. Riley’s mugshot has been shared by the Fantastic P.D for all to see.” The reporter says. Claire sits up. “Oh for fuck's sake!” Claire shouts. The mugshot appears on the TV and Claire can be seen blinking in it. “Seriously? I told them not to use that one! IDIOTS!” Claire yells. Claire sinks into the couch. “I'm ruined!” Claire whines. “At least things can't get worse, right?” Lauren asks. “Of course YOU'D be optimistic, your face isn't the one plastered all over the news!” Claire points out. “In related news, disgraced former WPA agent Lauren Bates is being canceled by all Fantastic City hero enthusiasts for allegedly punching an old lady in the face.” The reporter says. “You've got to be shitting me…” Lauren mutters. “We were able to interview the woman in question and get her take on what transpired.” The reporter says. Mia Goo and Gus appear on the TV. “I've never been so terrified in my life. When she came after me, she was…she was just so crazed! I've never seen such rage, such fury! Ever since that moment, I can't even leave my own home with fearing she may be lurking around the corner, ready to finish me off!” Mia Goo says. Mia Goo begins to cry. “I'm sorry, this…this is just such a traumatic time in my life.” Mia Goo cries. Gus hands her a handkerchief. “Oh thank you, Gus. Did I mention how she threw sweet, innocent Gus out of a window and how he landed right on top of me? I've had to go to physical therapy ever since that moment! My life…I don't think it will ever be the same.” Mia Goo whimpers. Lauren turns the TV off. “We've got to do something! We can’t let that crazy bitch smear your name through the mud!” Claire says. “Claire, it's fine.” Lauren says. “No it is not!” Claire argues. “Yeah, it is. I don't give two shits what people think about me, because only one person's opinion matters to me.” Lauren says. “Awwwwww…wait, you are talking about me, right?” Claire asks. “I was talking about Andre.” Lauren tells her. “The fuck do you mean you were talking about Andre?!?!” Claire asks. “Just kidding.” Lauren says. Claire slaps Lauren's arm. “You can be such a jerk! But…that was still really sweet. You're so sweet! Thank you!” Claire exclaims, before pulling Lauren into a hug. “You're hurting me again…” Lauren tells her.