S1 Episode 04: The Dinner Party

In Lauren and Claire's house, Lauren enters the kitchen, and finds Claire glued to her laptop. "Hey, do you know if we have any wine?" Claire asks. "Yeah. Your Mom gave us five bottles when we moved in together, remember? She said I was gonna need them if I planned on living with you." Lauren says. "What? You never told me that!" Claire notes. "Whoops." Lauren says. "Never mind that right now. What do we have for food?" Claire asks. "Nothing. You said you were gonna go to the grocery store three days ago. Spoiler Alert: you never did." Lauren says. "Crap, I knew I was forgetting something! I'll stop by there before the party tonight." Claire says. "What party?" Lauren asks. "Crap, did I forget to tell you?" Claire asks. Lauren sighs. "Tell me what?" Lauren asks. "I invited the neighbors over for a dinner party! Doesn't that sound like fun?" Claire asks. "Claire, I hate the neighbors! Hell, YOU hate the neighbors!" Lauren points out. "I know I've been unfair to them in the past..." Claire says. "Unfair? Dun Dun is regularly stealing from us, Mia Goo kidnapped you, and don't even get me started on everyone else!" Lauren says. "I know we haven't gotten along with our neighbors, but this is our chance to change that! To make some new friends!" Claire says. "I don't want to make friends." Lauren says. "I know that you like to pretend to be all cool and edgy, but its just you and me, Lauren. You can admit you want some friends." Claire says. "I seriously don't. People annoy the crap out of me." Lauren says. "Okay, well I do! I'm tired of sitting around the house all day!" Claire says. "I'm sure they have an app for this kinda thing. You don't have to make friends with the people who live in this neighborhood! They all suck!" Lauren points out. "Too late, I already sent the invitations out." Claire says. Lauren groans. "You will survive for one night! Just sit at the table and smile." Claire says. "I can't smile. It physically hurts me to smile." Lauren claims. "You've been shot about a dozen times, and you are worried about a smile hurting you?" Claire asks. "When does this stupid thing start?" Lauren asks. "In about ten minutes." Claire says. "You haven't even gone to the market!" Lauren notes. "Yeah, I know. I'm going now. Can you get the door when everyone shows up?" Claire asks. "I-" Lauren begins to say. "Don't worry, I won't be gone long. Just charm everyone with your personality! Love you!" Claire says, before running out the door. "Why me..." Lauren mutters.

The doorbell rings. Lauren opens the front door, and is immediately kicked in the shin! Lauren looks down, and sees Dun Dun. "That for ruining Dun Dun's business! She was making big bucks before you butt in! Now, she have to scalp retro game consoles!" Dun Dun yells, before pushing her way past Lauren. Lauren slams the front door shut. "Where dinner?" Dun Dun asks. "Not ready." Lauren says. "Can Dun Dun use potty?" Dun Dun asks. "Sure, if you agree to be patted down when you come back." Lauren says. "How dare you suggest Dun Dun thief! She never been more defended in her life!" Dun Dun yells. "Defended?...you know what, never mind. Bathroom is upstairs, first door on the left." Lauren says. Dun Dun kicks Lauren in the shin one more time, before running upstairs. Someone else rings the doorbell. "Please let that be the police coming to arrest her..." Lauren says. Lauren opens the door, and finds Mia and Gus standing outside. "Hello, Lauren. Its been a while." Mia says. "Its only been two weeks." Lauren notes. "Two weeks is a long time when you are recovering from a gunshot wound!" Mia snaps. "Yeah, about that..." Lauren says. "Are you finally going to apologize?" Mia asks. "No, I was just gonna tell you that you owe me a bullet." Lauren says. "You know what? You are absolutely right!" Mia says. Mia reaches for a gun, but Gus grabs her arm. "No, Mia! Not here! More guests will be arriving soon!" Gus points out. "I don't care! I'll shoot them, too!" Mia yells. "Maybe you two should talk about this outside, maybe in your own yard." Lauren suggests. "No no, I'm calm." Mia says. "You're calm?" Lauren asks. "I'm calm." Mia repeats. "Super. Now go take a seat." Lauren says. "Just because you said that, I'm not going to!" Mia pouts. "She doesn't have to! Her cousin is a Queen, you know!" Gus says. "Yeah, sure Jan." Lauren says. Dun Dun comes downstairs, carrying Claire's huge jewelry box and a safe. "What are you doing?" Lauren asks. "Did Dun Dun forget to hide stolen goods in coat?" Dun Dun asks. "You aren't wearing a coat!" Lauren points out. "No wonder Dun Dun feel naked! Someone stole her coat! Dun Dun hate thieves!" Dun Dun yells. "Put everything back!" Lauren demands. "But it heavy! You know how much trouble Dun Dun have getting it downstairs? She deserve everything because of labor!" Dun Dun claims. "Put...it...BACK." Lauren demands. Dun Dun sighs, and goes back upstairs. Lauren pulls out her phone, and makes a call.

Claire answers her phone. "Ello!" Claire answers. "Are you almost done at the market?" Lauren asks. "I'm not at the market." Claire reveals. "What? Then where the frig are you?" Lauren asks. "I'm getting a mani-pedi downtown! I couldn't go to a party without my nails looking adorbs." Claire says. "Claire, I don't want to put any pressure on you, but if you don't get your ass back here in five minutes, I'm gonna go on a rampage and kill everybody." Lauren warns. "Okay, lets try and breathe." Claire says. "I can't, Dun Dun stole all the oxygen and is selling it on Ebay!" Lauren says. "Besides Dun Dun, who else is there?" Claire asks. "Mia and Gus. Mia, by the way, was ready to shoot me the second she came through the door." Lauren notes. "You are getting this upset, and he's not even there yet?" Claire asks. "Wait, who's "he?" Lauren asks. Someone rings the doorbell. "I've gotta go. Just...hurry up and get home!" Lauren says, before hanging up.

Lauren opens the door, and finds Hog the Dog standing outside! "Aren't you the guy that lives on the corner of the street? The guy that is always saying how the moon was man made by Abraham Lincoln, and the government has been using it to spy on us ever since?" Lauren asks. "Its true! Abe is alive! He's on the moon and he's watching all of us!" Hog yells, before walking in. Hog walks over to Mia and Gus. "Hello, how are you today?" Mia asks. "Don't hello me, Martha Washington!" Hog yells. "What the hell did you just call me?!" Mia asks. "I called you Marsha Washington! You faked your death, with the help of Abraham Lincoln, and you've been in charge of the Illuminati ever since! Did you hear me that time?! OR ARE YOU DEAF?!" Hog asks. Mia begins to remove her earrings, and hands them to Gus. "Be a dear and hold these for me. This won't take long." Mia says. "Try not to chip your nails, Mia." Gus says. Mia lunges at Hog, and tackles him to the ground! Lauren is watching the fight, as Dun Dun comes back downstairs. "What all racket?" Dun Dun asks. Lauren turns around, and notices Dun Dun holding an antique clock. "Where did you get that?" Lauren asks. "Uh...Dun Dun kind neighbor, so she bring gift with her!" Dun Dun lies. "Put it back!" Lauren demands. "It a gift!" Dun Dun argues. "Its stolen from my room. Put it back!" Lauren demands. Dun Dun grumbles under her breath, as she storms back up the stairs. Lauren turns around, and sees that Mia and Hog are still fighting. Lauren rolls her eyes, and then walks over to the brawl. Lauren then karate chops Mia in the back of the head, and knocks her out! "Gee, thanks a lot. That lady was craz-" Before Hog can finish, Lauren punches him, and knocks him out! Gus reaches for his gun, but Lauren glares at him. Gus nervously removes his hand from his holster. "Easy, easy! I won't harm you." Gus says. Lauren then punches Gus, and knocks him out! Dun Dun comes back downstairs, and sees everyone unconscious. "No one tell Dun Dun it was nap time!" Dun Dun notes.

Later, Gus, Mia, Hog, Dun Dun, and a miserable Lauren are all gathered around the dining room table. "So, did you all hear about how injecting yourself with bleach will cure you of the common cold?" Hog asks. "That is ridiculous!" Mia says. "No, I heard it really works! I saw this fantastic news article on Basebook about it! I'm thinking about trying it next time I get sick." Hog says. "Please do..." Lauren urges. Claire walks in, carrying a bunch of shopping bags. "I'm baaaaaack!" Claire says. "Where were you?!" Lauren asks. "I wasn't about to host a dinner party without wearing a new outfit, so I did some shopping." Claire says. "You are wearing the same outfit you had on when you left." Lauren notes. "After I bought all of these, I decided I liked the outfit I already had on. Don't you think its cute?" Claire asks. "I'm going upstairs." Lauren says. "What about the dinner party?" Claire asks. "I don't do dinner parties." Lauren tells her. "Come on! There will be plenty of time for you to brood when the party is over!" Claire says. "I'm not going upstairs to brood, I'm going upstairs to sit in the dark in peace and quiet until everyone gets the hell out of my house!" Lauren says. "Yeah, that's brooding." Claire notes. Mia slams her glass on the table. "Excuse me, are we going to be eating today? It IS called a dinner party, after all!" Mia notes. "Who invited her?" Claire asks. "YOU did." Lauren reminds Claire. "Oh. Can you go now? I'm uninviting you." Claire says. Mia tightens her grip on her butter knife. "Or you could stay! That's fine, too." Claire says. "Did you stop at the market?" Lauren asks. "No!" Claire says. "Why not?!" Lauren asks. "Because you told me you wanted me home in five minutes!" Claire recalls. "You had enough time to go buy a bunch of outfits that you'll probably never even wear, but you couldn't stop at the market for your dinner party?!" Lauren asks. "I'm sorry! I get it, I screwed up." Claire says. Lauren sighs. "Don't worry about it. We'll just...order out. Is anyone in the mood for pizza?" Lauren asks. Dun Dun gasps. "You invite Dun Dun over for dinner party, and you expect her to eat like peasant?!" Dun Dun asks. "What do you expect?!" Claire asks. "There's a lovely little place over in Littlebridge, its called Rudolpho's." Mia says. "Rudolpho's is crazy expensive!" Claire notes. "Well, if its too much of a burden for you, I guess we could leave..." Mia says. "No, no! I'll do it. Write what you want down on a piece of paper, just...try to keep it cheap." Claire says.

Claire is now on the phone. "Yes, can I have a lobster and shrimp dinner, along with a bottle of wine? I would also like the all you can eat steak dinner...yes, the one that costs $50...oh, its the most expensive meal on the menu?...And we are the first ones to ever order it? Congrats Gus, you set a freaking record!...Um, yes, I would like to order more. Can I have a turkey?...Yes, the entire turkey. I'd also like a side of mashed potatoes with that, and...a bottle of wine? Seriously?!...No, I'm not yelling at you. Buddy, calm down, I said I wasn't freaking yelling at you, so shut the hell up!...Yes, I'm calm. Sorry about that." Claire says. Claire turns towards Hog. "Hog, what did you want? I don't see your order on here!" Claire says. "I'm not ordering food from that CIA front! They're just gonna poison me!" Hog yells. Claire returns to the phone. "Are you a front for the CIA?...Do you poison your customers?" Claire asks. Claire turns towards Hog. "They aren't CIA, and they aren't going to poison you." Claire says. "That's what the CIA would say!" Hog yells. Claire returns to the phone. "Yeah, I'm still here. I'll get a cheeseburger meal, and a salad please. That'll be all...how much?!" Claire asks. Claire drops the phone in shock. "How much was it?" Lauren asks. "More than it cost to actually open up that stupid restaurant!" Claire says. Claire turns towards the guests. "You all suck!" Claire snaps, before storming out. "Was it something Dun Dun said?" Dun Dun asks.

Later, everyone is seated around the dinner table. "Dun Dun, how do you like your lobster?" Claire asks. "Dun Dun can't eat this! She allergic to lobster!" Dun Dun yells. "If you are allergic, why the hell did you order it?!" Claire asks. "Dun Dun like the smell of it!" Dun Dun says. Claire turns towards Gus. "Do you like your steak?" Claire asks. "I asked for a well done steak! This is medium rare! I'm sorry, but I am afraid I cannot eat this!" Gus says. Claire turns towards Hog. "Gus doesn't want his steak, are you done pretending these people are gonna poison you?" Claire asks. "They are gonna poison me! They wanna shut me up about Abe! Well they can't! No one can! I won't shut up until everybody knows the truth!" Hog yells. Claire turns towards Mia. "How's the turkey?" Claire asks. "Its wonderful, dear! This has to be the best turkey I have ever eaten!" Mia says. "Finally! Someone who isn't wasting my money!" Claire says. Mia goes to take a bite, but Hog pushes the turkey onto the floor! "Look out, its poisoned!" Hog yells. "Well gosh darn, now I can't eat it! Its only the floor!" Mia says. Claire slams her head against the table. Lauren's phone begins to ring. "Hang on, I've gotta take this." Lauren says. Lauren answers the phone. "Hello?...Yes, this is she, who's asking?...What?!...Ugh. No, I know exactly what happened." Lauren says, before hanging up. Lauren glares at Claire. "My credit card was maxed out. Any idea how that happened?" Lauren asks. "How else was I supposed to pay for all this?" Claire asks. "With your own money!" Lauren suggests. "Not now, Lauren. I'm trying to think about how I let you talk me into hosting a dinner party." Claire says. "I...you...they...you know what? Never mind." Lauren says. "Yeah Lauren, think about what you've done." Claire says. "Hey everybody! Look at what Dun Dun can do!" Dun Dun says. Dun Dun throws a snow globe up into the air, and then hits it with the wine bottle! Both the bottle and the snow globe smash into pieces, and Hog, Mia, and Gus begin to clap. "You go, girl!" Mia says. "Do it again!" Hog urges. "Okay, I get it, I screwed up. Now, how do we get these people out of here?!" Claire asks. "Go upstairs, sit in the dark, and wait for them to leave?" Lauren asks. "We are NOT brooding!" Claire says.
Claire turns towards the guests. "Has everyone had fun?" Claire asks. "This party is mediocre, but the company is to DIE for!" Mia says. "My problem is with the host!" Hog says. "Cool, great. Well, since you have all had a great time, party's over!" Claire says. "Dun Dun think party just starting!" Dun Dun says. Dun Dun turns on the radio, and heavy metal music begins to play. "Oh ho ho! This is my jam, as the kids say!" Mia says. Mia begins dancing, and then flips the kitchen table! "Well, there goes my burger..." Lauren says. Dun Dun runs into the living room, picks up the lamp, and throws it onto the floor! Dun Dun then picks up a makeup kit, and throws it through the TV screen! "My makeup!" Claire screams. Gus walks over to the china cabinet, opens it, and then hesitates. "You can do it, Gus!" Mia says. Hog and Dun Dun then begin chanting Gus' name. Gus pulls out a plate, and smashes it on the floor! A smile forms on Gus' face, and he begins slinging the rest of the plates out of the cabinet, breaking all of them! Dun Dun runs out into the kitchen, picks up the coffee machine, and throws it onto the floor! Dun Dun then begins jumping up and down on it! Hog runs into the living room with a hammer, and begins smashing pictures that are hanging on the wall! Hog then hurls the hammer towards the glass doors of the china cabinet, but misses, and hits Mia in the head instead! Mia falls to the floor, but gets up a moment later, her eyes burning with rage. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Mia screams in anger, before picking up a potted plant, and tossing it at Hog! Dun Dun happens to be passing by, and the plant hits her instead! "Who did that?! Dun Dun ask WHO DID THAT?!" Dun Dun angrily asks. An afraid Gus points at Mia. Dun Dun lunges at Mia, and begins slapping her silly. Hog charges at Mia, misses, and accidentally tackles Gus instead! Gus then punches Hog, and Hog punches Gus back! Meanwhile, on the sidelines, Lauren and Claire watch as their four guests fight each other, destroying the house in the process. "Still want to go upstairs and brood?" Claire asks. Lauren nods. "K. Lets do it." Claire says, before walking away with Lauren.

Later, Claire and Lauren are standing at the front door. Dun Dun walks to the door, and kicks Claire in the shin. "What was that for?!" Claire asks. "Your girlfriend no let Dun Dun steal! This YOUR fault! Good party, by way." Dun Dun says, before leaving. Mia and Gus arrive at the front door. "You guys heading home? Shame." Claire sarcastically says. "Actually, I need to bring Mia to the hospital, first. That deviant Hog the Dog shoved a whole boot down her throat!" Gus notes. "When the doctors surgically remove that, can I have it back?" Claire asks. "That was the most fun I've had in 50 years! Same time, same place next week?" Mia asks. "Maybe when the renovations are finished." Claire says. Mia and Gus walk off. "When the renovations are finished?! How about not at all?" Lauren asks. "Chill! I only said that because I don't want her to shove a boot down MY throat!" Claire says. Hog arrives at the door. "Well, it was nice seeing you. Lets not do this again." Claire says. "You don't have to tell me twice! You people were gonna just sit back and let Abe Lincoln and his pals at the CIA kill me!" Hog says. "Hog, I don't know how to tell you this, but Abraham Lincoln has been dead for years." Lauren says. "To specify further, he was dead before Betty White was born. That should tell you how long he's been dead for." Claire says. "He's alive, I tell ya! He's alive and he's hiding on the moon! You'll see, you'll ALL see! Hog the Dog is never wrong about these-" Before Hog can finish, a car comes out of nowhere and runs him down! The car speeds off, and Lauren and Claire rush to Hog's side. "He's dead." Lauren reveals. Claire smiles. "Really?! Oh...I mean, I'm so sad. You think if I show up at the funeral, and pretend to be sad, they'll invite me back to the family's house after? I hear they sometimes have food after funerals." Claire says. "Too soon." Lauren says. "Oh right, let me pretend to care then...Oh my gooooooooosh, who could've done this?!" Claire wonders.

The car that ran Hog down is seen driving on the highway, and the driver is revealed to be Abraham Lincoln! Abe makes a call. "Yes, is this the owner of Rudolpho's? Its me. I wanted to let you know that I will no longer require your assistance, I took care of the problem myself. As such, you can tell your employers at the CIA to stand down. In the meantime, my business has concluded here, so I am going to return to my post on the moon. Oh, and do me a favor, contact Martha, and tell her that the Illuminati's greatest enemy is now dead." Abe says, before hanging up. Wings emerge from Abe's car, and he begins to ascend towards the moon!