Episode 06: Sam's Kitchen

Sam is standing on the dock of the island. “Previously on Total Yeller Mania Castaways! On the heels of the capture the flag challenge, Mr. Whiskers fell out of favor with the audience and ended up getting himself voted off. He didn’t take it very well, surprise surprise. The psycho kitty attacked his teammates and then took off into the woods to try and escape elimination. Since this whole thing was a bit of a surprise, I had to make some last minute changes to the episode by having the contestants track down Mr. Whiskers as their challenge. The team that could capture Mr. Whiskers and bring him down to the dock would win and the other team would have to send someone home! Unfortunately for them, Mr. Whiskers wasn’t the only threat waiting for them in the woods. It was a full moon, and all the wild life was behaving pretty strangely, and by strangely I mean violently. When the teams realized they weren’t having much luck tracking down our deranged friend, Bo and Andy decided it would be best if the two teams teamed up and both brought Mr. Whiskers down to the dock. The other contestants seemed to go along with it, but turns out Daisy wasn’t a big fan on sharing all the glory with the other team, so she roped Claire into a scheme that involved betraying the other team. Once Mr. Whiskers was captured, Daisy and Claire stabbed the Dolphins in the back and took off with Mr. Whiskers. They almost made it to the end, but then Lauren stopped them in their tracks, took Mr. Whiskers, and then handed him over to the other team! Thanks to Lauren, the Graceful Dolphins won the challenge and Mr. Whiskers finally got shipped off the island. But the day didn’t end there. After the challenge, Lauren confronted Claire over her alliance with Daisy, and needless to say Lauren was not happy. That became even more evident when Lauren confronted Daisy and basically threatened to drown her in the lake. Well, that’s not EXACTLY what Lauren said, but pretty sure that’s what she meant! Now today, the Formidable Mermaids will be sending home one of their team members! Who will it be? Find out in an all new episode of Total...Yeller...Mania...CASTAWAYS!” Sam says.

Bo, Lauren, Claire, Daisy, and Dun Dun are all sitting around the bonfire when Sam shows up holding a plate of marshmallows. “Good evening campers, I hope you all came here feeling optimistic and in good spirits!” Sam says. “Oh yeah, I feel FREAKING grand!” Claire sarcastically says. “Great! Lets get this show on the road then! The first ones to get marshmallows tonight are Lauren...Dun Dun...and Daisy.” Sam says, before throwing those three marshmallows. “Wait, hold on, no one voted for me?!” Daisy asks. “Not enough for you to be in danger!” Sam says. “But they voted for me?!” Claire asks. “And why the devil would they vote for me?! I haven’t done anything wrong!” Bo says. Sam shrugs. “No idea, but enough chit chat, its time to send someone home! The final marshmallow goes to...Bo!” Sam says, as he throws Bo the marshmallow. “YES!” Bo exclaims. “I’m-I’m out?!” Claire asks. “Sorry Claire.” Sam says. “No you’re not!” Claire says. “You’re right, I’m not.” Sam says.

On the dock, Sam, Dun Dun, Bo, Lauren, and Daisy stand on the side line as Claire walks towards the log of shame. Claire turns towards Lauren. “Lauren…” Claire mutters. “I think its best we talk when this is over.” Lauren says. “For what its worth, you were an excellent ally.” Daisy says. “I don’t remember anyone asking you.” Lauren tells her. “Well, good luck everyone...I guess.” Claire says. Claire climbs on the log of shame. “One more thing Claire.” Sam says. “What? Do you want to take pictures of my shame and humiliate me even more?” Claire questions. “I just wanted to let you know that I was just kidding about the whole you getting eliminated thing.” Sam tells her. “What?!” Claire asks. “See, this wasn’t actually a scheduled elimination episode. Well...originally it was. Originally last episode wasn’t an elimination episode, but the producers wanted to get rid of Mr. Whiskers so badly, they pushed it back an episode, which ended up saving your butt!” Sam says. “So NO ONE is going home today?” Daisy asks. “Not a single person! I really did have you all going though, didn’t I?” Sam asks. “If Claire no going home, do that mean we can send fly trap home instead?” Dun Dun asks. “Did-did she just call me a fly trap?!” Daisy asks. “Sad you know right off the bat she’s talking about you. Goes to show how liked you are.” Lauren says. “No one is going home today, Dun Dun.” Sam says. “Darn.” Dun Dun says. “Now go and get some rest. You’ll all need it for tomorrow’s challenge.” Sam says.

The next day, Yeller, Cop, Andy, and Chimney Man are all sitting in the cafeteria when the Formidable Mermaids walk in. “Wait a second, how come you are all still here?!” Yeller wonders. “Because there wasn’t an elimination, which meant we all got to stay. Isn’t that grand?” Daisy asks. “How come our team never gets those kinds of challenges?” Yeller wonders. “Because no one like you team.” Dun Dun says. Sam walks in. “Good morning campers! I hope you all slept well, you’re gonna need it with the challenge you’ll be enduring today!” Sam says. “Lets back track for a second here. How come they didn’t have to send someone home?! I don’t see our team getting that sort of treatment!” Yeller says. “Your team almost did get that treatment, Yeller! But the producers wanted Mr. Whiskers gone so plans changed.” Sam says. “If I may ask, why were the producers so determined to oust Mr. Whiskers?” Bo questions. “Something about him being a lawsuit magnet, him being an animal and this game being violent and all that nonsense. In any case, lets talk about today’s challenge! The good news is you won’t have to go very far. You’ll be competing in the next room!” Sam says. “The next challenge in bathroom?” Dun Dun asks. “No Dun Dun, it’ll be in the kitchen! Today, each team will be tasked with cooking Man-Shark a five course meal. He’s a picky eater, so whatever it is better be cooked to perfection! The team that impresses Man-Shark the most will win the challenge! I hope you’re all getting along with your teammates, because this is gonna require a lot of team work!” Sam says. “Super…” Claire sarcastically says. “Is no one getting along on team Dun Dun?” Dun Dun asks. “Have you been paying attention at all?” Bo asks. “Not really.” Dun Dun admits. “I don’t think we should have too much of a problem, right?” Andy asks. “Speak for yourself, I don’t know how to cook!” Cop says. “Same.” Yeller says. “I don’t even know how to use a microwave!” Chimney Man says. “How do you not know how to use a microwave? You just follow the directions of whatever you’re heating up and voila! Cooked food!” Yeller says. “I always do that! Usually they end up blowing up! I got a TV dinner a few months ago, it said to cook for 24 minutes, right? So I put the box in the microwave and I set it to 24 minutes!” Chimney Man says. “Woah, hold on. For one thing, nothing cooks in the microwave for that long, you were probably following the stove instructions, and another thing, you put the BOX in the microwave? You mean the whole box?! You didn’t take out the TV dinner?!” Yeller asks. “It didn’t say to take it out of the box! How would I know to do that?!” Chimney Man asks. “We’re doomed…” Yeller mutters. “Lets not say that! We have one thing that the other team doesn’t have, we have unity! If we work together, there’s nothing we can’t do!” Andy says. “Can someone vote this optimistic loser off please?” Cop asks.

Lauren, Claire, Daisy, Dun Dun, and Bo are all in one of the kitchens. “So, does anyone here know how to cook?” Claire asks. “Nope.” Lauren says. “Why would I know how to cook when takeout is so easily accessible?” Daisy questions. “Dun Dun make mean pop tart.” Dun Dun says. “Homemade?” Claire asks. “No.” Dun Dun responds. “I don’t mean to brag, but as it happens, I am quite the accomplished chef.” Bo says. “Great! Bo is now head chef! The rest of us just need to follow his lead! Now lets get going.” Claire says. “Before we do that, there’s just one little hiccup we have to work out first.” Lauren says. “Oh? What’s that?” Claire asks. “We don’t actually know what we’re cooking!” Lauren points out. “Oh...yeah, we probably should’ve figured that out, huh?” Claire asks. “We should make lobster! Dun Dun LOVE lobster!” Dun Dun says. “Given everyone’s limited experience, perhaps we should go with something a bit less complicated. A pasta perhaps!” Bo says. “Whatever it is, we just need to make sure its good enough for Dumb-Shark out there.” Daisy says. “That really wasn’t that clever…” Lauren tells her. “I don’t remember anyone asking you.” Daisy says, mocking Lauren from the previous day. “Try to keep in mind there are plenty of ways to hurt someone in a kitchen, and I know every one of them, so watch it.” Lauren warns.

BO’S CONFESSIONAL: “This is fine. Everything is fine…” An unconvinced Bo says.

“So, any idea what we should cook?” Yeller asks. “How about...a cheese burger and french fries!” Cop suggests. “That’s too basic!” Yeller argues. “We aren’t trying not to be basic, we’re trying not to suck!” Cop tells him. “Those are the same thing!” Yeller claims. “I know! We should microwave something!” Chimney Man says. “We aren’t letting you anywhere near a microwave.” Yeller says. “Its still pretty early in the day, maybe we should make something breakfast related! I’m thinking an omelet, bacon, home fries, toast…” Andy suggests. “Hm, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.” Yeller says. “You know, instead of an omelet, we should make stuffed french toast! Who can resist french toast filled with bananas?” Cop asks. “That sounds kinda complicated…” Yeller notes. “It’ll be fine! What could go wrong?” Cop asks. “Did you seriously just ask me that question?” Yeller asks.

“Are you seriously suggesting we go with the tired old spaghetti and meat balls?” Daisy asks. “Its simple, something even the worst of cooks can probably manage.” Lauren says. “Its also predictable! If we have to go with a pasta, lets go with something a little more daring like...chicken alfredo!” Daisy suggests. Lauren crosses her arms. “You want to go with something less predictable and you choose chicken alfredo?” Lauren asks. Daisy rolls her eyes. “Don’t be difficult, Lauren.” Daisy says. “Me? You have been difficult since the moment you stepped off that boat.” Lauren says. “Can we try and get along here, please?” Claire asks. “I’m with Claire on this one, all this tension isn’t going to do our team any good, which you would realize if you would look past your hate, Lauren.” Daisy says. “Don’t try and play the victim, no one’s buying it. Everyone here knows you’re nothing but a two faced opportunist who is living on borrowed time here.” Lauren says. “If I was so bad, how come your girlfriend teamed up with me last challenge?” Daisy wonders. “That’s a really, really good question, but I’m not gonna justify it with an answer.” Lauren says. “Not to interrupt, but we have yet to decide on a dish to make.” Bo says. “Ask the princess over there, she seems to have all the answers.” Lauren says. “I am NOT a princess.” Daisy says. “We REALLY should try and figure something out! While we’re sitting here arguing, the other team is getting ahead of us!” Claire points out.

“So, quick question before we start...how does one fill french toast with anything?” Cop asks. “You were the one who suggested it! Shouldn’t you know?!” Yeller asks. “I told you I don’t know how to cook! It was just an idea!” Cop says. “Well then your ideas SUCK!” Yeller shouts. “No they don’t! If we don’t know how to do it, we’re gonna wing it, and then we are gonna NAIL IT!” Cop says. “I have an idea!” Chimney Man says. “Lord help me with this one...what’s your idea, Chimney Man?” Yeller asks. “Lets scrap the whole boring breakfast thing and make some sugar cookies, then we can paint little chimneys on them!” Chimney Man suggests. Yeller, Cop, and Andy stare at him blankly.

COP’S CONFESSIONAL: “Is it too late to switch teams?” Cop asks.

CHIMNEY MAN’S CONFESSIONAL: “The fact of the matter is, my team isn’t ready for my brilliant ideas. If they’d just come to terms with the fact that I’m the smarterest out of all of them, we’d be in much better shape!” Chimney Man says.

“We are going to make this french toast and we are gonna kill it! No omelets! No sugar cookies! French freaking TOAST!” Cop yells. “Calm down buddy, its not that serious.” Yeller says. “Lets just go with the french toast. If we continue arguing back and forth about this, we’re never going to finish this challenge.” Andy says. “Ugh, fine! French toast it is!” Yeller says.

“So, we are in agreement then? Chicken alfredo is the recipe we will be doing?” Bo asks. “More like attempting…” Daisy mumbles. “Such pessimism will not be tolerated in my kitchen! We are not attempting, we are doing! We shall be the best team of chefs any restaurant has ever seen! The only ones standing in our way are ourselves!” Bo says. Dun Dun claps. “Who knew old bald man could be so inspiring?” Dun Dun asks. “My name isn’t bloody old bald man…” Bo says. “You right, it old bald man. No bloody.” Dun Dun says. “Speaking of bloody I have a feeling I’m going to be in the mood for a bloody mary when this is over.” Claire says. “Depending on how this goes, I might be in the mood for a bloody massacre.” Lauren says, while looking at Daisy.

DAISY’S CONFESSIONAL: “I just don’t know what Lauren’s deal is! I mean, sure I convinced her girlfriend to go behind her back and betray the other team, but come on, Claire wasn’t exactly difficult to convince. Oh well, the more Lauren makes a fool of herself, the bigger chance she has of being voted out, which is totally fine with me.” Daisy says.

“We have wasted enough time loitering around! Chop chop! Lauren, go and boil the pasta for approximately 6 minutes and 23 seconds! Claire, I require you to go and chop the chicken!” Bo says.

CLAIRE’S CONFESSIONAL: “He’s seriously trusting me with a knife? Bad idea. I once cut myself by accident when I was buttering my toast. And before you ask, yes...it was a butter knife.” Claire admits.

“You know, it may go quicker if two people cut the chicken. Maybe I should give Claire a hand.” Daisy suggests. “I suppose that is doable. I don’t see much else for you to be doing.” Bo says. Daisy turns towards Lauren and sticks her tongue out at her. Dun Dun walks up to Bo. “Excuse old bald man, what will Dun Dun be doing?” Dun Dun asks. “I do apologize Dun Dun, I simply don’t want incompetence corrupting my kitchen. I hope you understand.” Bo says. “What will you be doing?” Claire questions. “Supervising, of course! You all admitted to having no culinary talent! I would be a fool to leave you all to your own devices! Anymore questions? Or shall I finally see some effort from you lot?!” Bo questions.

Chimney Man is staring intently at an egg. “Is there a problem?” Andy asks. “I don’t know what to do with this!” Chimney Man says. “Oh, that’s easy. Just crack it and then dump it into the pan.” Andy says. “Oh, okay.” Chimney Man says. Chimney Man throws the egg on to the floor and it explodes open! Chimney Man bends down and scoops the egg into the pan. “You’re right! That was easy!” Chimney Man says. Andy sighs and then turns towards Yeller and Cop. “You don’t microwave bacon, you moron! You fry it!” Yeller states. “Do you have any idea how long that’ll take?!” Cop asks. “Probably not long!” Yeller says. “Microwaving it would be quicker!” Cop says. “I’ll microwave it for you!” Chimney Man offers. “NO!” Yeller and Cop both yell.

Bo walks over to Lauren who is standing over the stove top. “You are stirring the pasta occasionally, right Lauren?” Bo asks. “Of course I am…” Lauren says. “Wonderful. Just remember, for the perfect tenderness, you must stir once every 35 seconds for a total of 8 seconds. It is imperative for this recipe to be completed correctly.” Bo says. Lauren looks over at Claire and Daisy, who are cutting chicken. “So, how are things going between you and Lauren?” Daisy wonders. “I’m sure you already know.” Claire says. “You’re right. Better question, how are you holding up?” Daisy wonders. “The best answer I can give is that life just sucks right now. Lauren won’t even talk to me.” Claire says. “I’m sorry, this is all my fault for convincing you to go along with my plan.” Daisy says. “I didn’t exactly put up much of a fight. This is on me. With that being said though, I’m sorry about not telling Lauren the truth, I’m still not sorry about the plan itself. Teaming up with the other team had disaster written all over it.” Claire says. “Which is why it was better for us to be the ones to cause that disaster before the other team could. We would’ve won if Lauren didn’t intervene.” Daisy says. “In fairness to her, she thought she was doing the right thing.” Claire says. “Please, doesn’t she kill people for a living? Its a bit late for any moral indignation coming from her. Still though, I’m sorry about what this is doing to you. I know things have been a bit hot and cold between us, but if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” Daisy says, as she touches Claire’s hand. “Thanks. I appreciate that.” Claire says. Daisy looks over her shoulder and sees Lauren is watching. Daisy then smirks before turning her attention back to the chicken.

Chimney Man holds up a plate of scrambled eggs. “Finally! The eggs are done! What else have we done?” Chimney Man asks. “Nothing! Cop and Yeller are still arguing about whether to fry or microwave the bacon, and I’m still trying to figure out how the heck to stuff french toast!” Andy says. “Its not too late to bake the chimney sugar cookies!” Chimney Man says. “We aren’t baking the chimney sugar cookies.” Andy says. “Oh…” A disappointed Chimney Man says. “If you microwave the bacon, its going to be soggy! We aren’t going to win with soggy bacon!” Yeller says. “You don’t know nothing about the deliciousness of microwaved bacon! Fried bacon is for heart attack lovers!” Cop says. “That’s bacon in general!” Yeller says. Andy walks up to them. “Okay, new plan! Instead of doing bacon, how about we do sausage instead?” Andy asks. “Microwaved or oven baked?” Cop asks. “Don’t you freaking start with me again!” Yeller snaps. “Just microwave it! We don’t have time to argue!” Andy says. Cop smiles. “Stop smiling, you’ve got food stuck in your teeth.” Yeller says. “As for the stuffed french toast, I don’t see any way I can do this…” Andy says. “That’s not an attitude to have, Andy! We can do anything if we set our minds to it! Here, I have something that might help.” Chimney Man says. Chimney Man throws a brick at Andy, and it hits him in the head! Andy falls to the floor, unconscious! “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!” Yeller asks. “I was giving him my lucky brick! I thought it’d bring him good luck!” Chimney Man says. “He gets to take a nap, so that’s about as good as it can get.” Cop says. “I hope you’re happy you idiot! There goes the one person on this team that has a clue what they’re doing!” Yeller shouts.

CHIMNEY MAN’S CONFESSIONAL: I don’t get it! Every time I do something to help, I get yelled at!” Chimney Man says.

Chimney Man drags Andy into the freezer. “Sorry about that, buddy. Wait in here until we finish the challenge.” Chimney Man says, before closing the freezer door. Chimney Man walks over to Yeller and Cop. “Where were you?!” Yeller asks. “I took Andy somewhere more quiet so we wouldn’t bother him while we do the challenge.” Chimney Man says. “Good, I don’t want to be tripping over dead bodies while running between the stove and the counter.” Yeller says. “He’s not dead yet!” Cop says. “Oh yeah? Did anyone here bother checking for a pulse?” Yeller asks. Chimney Man and Cop shake their heads. “Want me to do that now?” Chimney Man asks. “No time! We’ve got a challenge to do. Hopefully Andy wakes up soon so he can come give us a hand.” Yeller says.

Daisy and Claire are still cutting chicken. “Darn, my knife isn’t doing so good. Lauren, would you be a dear and fetch me a new one?” Daisy asks. “Can’t you just do it yourself?” Lauren asks. “You’re closer.” Daisy points out. Suddenly, a knife comes flying in Daisy’s direction. Daisy ducks and the knife can be seen sticking out of the wall. “You’re welcome.” Lauren tells her. Bo walks over to Lauren. “That is quite enough! Such hostility will not be tolerated in my kitchen!” Bo says. “Oops.” Lauren sarcastically says. Bo turns towards Daisy. “And YOU!” Bo says. “Me?! What did I do?” Daisy asks. “Next time, go and fetch your own equipment! Lauren has her own job to do and does not have time to act as your servant!” Bo states. “Wow, Dun Dun was right. You really are an old bald man!” Daisy says. “Finally Dun Dun agree with dandelion.” Dun Dun says. “Oh fudge! I forgot a vital part of the dinner! Pasta is never complete without a bread to go with it! Dun Dun, you currently aren’t doing anything, would you mind putting a loaf of bread in the oven?” Bo says. “But Dun Dun no wanna!” Dun Dun says. “Let me rephrase...put a loaf of bread in the oven IMMEDIATELY!!!” Bo screams. Dun Dun runs off to get one. “We’re done cutting the chicken, now what?” Claire asks. “Is that an actual question? You put the chicken in the bloody oven! That is what you do! Next time any of you have the audacity to come to me with such foolish questions, you will be reprimanded! Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has clearly never watched this show!” Bo says.

Chimney Man is staring at the frying pan with the french toast sitting in it when Yeller walks up. “What are you doing?” Yeller asks. “I’m cooking.” Chimney Man says. “Uh huh. You do realize you have to turn the burner on, right?” Yeller asks. “The what now?” Chimney Man asks. Yeller turns the burner knob. “Oh! So THAT’S what that does! I thought that was decorative.” Chimney Man says. “I’m beginning to think you’re decorative…” Yeller mumbles. “Huh?” Chimney Man asks. “I was just saying how that shirt you’re wearing is very decorative!” Yeller says. “Oh, uh...thanks!” Chimney Man says.

CHIMNEY MAN’S CONFESSIONAL: “O-m-g! Is Yeller in love with me? Why else would he compliment my shirt unless he’s madly in love with me? I can’t say I blame him. People are attracted to intelligence and I have lots of that.” Chimney Man says.

Cop puts the french toast on a plate. “We’re done! Everything is done! Lets go get Andy and find Man-Shark! Wait, where is Andy?” Cop asks. “I put him in the freezer.” Chimney Man says. “YOU WHAT?!” Yeller asks. “He was hurt! I figured if I put him in there I could freeze him so his injury wouldn’t get any worse and would eventually heal!” Chimney Man says. “I’m just gonna say this, you have to be the STUPIDEST person I’ve ever met! And that’s saying a lot, I’m friends with Dun Dun!” Yeller says. “Lets go get Andy!” Cop says. “Wait, he might not be fully healed yet!” Chimney Man shouts. Yeller and Cop open the freezer and find Andy curled up in a ball, completely blue. “Andy, are you alright?!” Yeller asks. “I-I can’t feel anything!” Andy says. “See? He can’t feel the big bruise I put on his head! I must’ve cured him!” Chimney Man says.

Both teams are now in the cafeteria when Man-Shark and Sam arrive. “Alright, how did everything go?” Sam questions. “Do you want positivity or do you want the truth?” Yeller asks. “I think it went great!” Chimney Man exclaims. “Positivity it is.” Yeller says. “In my personal opinion, I think ours went fantastically! Wouldn’t you agree?” Bo asks. “I might have a few things to say about that…” Daisy says. “Maybe you wouldn’t if you weren’t literal garbage.” Lauren says. “So campers, what are we giving Man-Shark for dinner? We’ll start with the Dolphins.” Sam says. Cop steps forward. “For our meal, we made french toast with scrambled eggs and sausage on the side.” Cop says, as he hands Man-Shark a plate. Man-Shark then throws the whole plate into his mouth! “Did you even taste it?!” Yeller asks. “Alright, Mermaids, what do you have for Man-Shark?” Sam asks. Bo hands Man-Shark a plate. “Chicken alfredo served with freshly baked bread.” Bo says. Man-Shark throws the whole plate into his mouth. “So, what do you think Man-Shark? Who made the best meal?” Sam asks. Man-Shark looks back and forth between the teams, and then ends up pointing at the Dolphins! “We did it!” Yeller exclaims. Man-Shark then points at the Mermaids and smiles. “Looks like the Mermaids meal is Man-Shark approved, which means the Formidable Mermaids win today’s challenge!” Sam says. “YAAAAAAS! We did it girls!” Claire says. “Girls? What about me?” Bo asks. “All you did was stand there and watch! A vegetable could do that!” Claire says. “Graceful Dolphins, since you guys lost, it looks like you’ll be sending someone home.” Sam says. “Great…” Yeller sarcastically says.

Sam is standing on the dock. “That concludes yet another episode of Total Yeller Mania Castaways! With Yeller, Cop, Andy, and Chimney Man on the chopping block, we’re about to be left with just eight contestants! Who will be voted off next time? Fasten your seat belts, because there are gonna be some HUGE surprises next week on Total...Yeller...Mania...CASTAWAYS!” Sam says.