LaurClaire S2 Episode 05: Lights...Cameras...Action!

At home, Lauren and Claire are both sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Claire has a box of tissues in her lap and is visibly crying. “Ew, emotions…” Lauren mutters. “I can't help it, Lauren! This is so sad!” Claire cries. “They're talking about buying a box of cereal at the super market.” Lauren points out. “They don't have the cereal, Lauren! THEY DON'T HAVE IT!” Claire sobs. “If you're this much of a mess now, I can't wait to see how you are after we get past the first ten minutes.” Lauren says. “Are you saying it gets WORSE?!” Claire questions. “How would I know? I've never even watched this movie! Maybe I would've if there was any shooting in it…” Lauren mutters. “If you want shooting, just look out the window.” Claire says. “Why? This is a pretty quiet neighborhood.” Lauren claims. A gunshot can be heard outside. “OW!” Some yells. “THAT WILL TEACH YOU FOR DELIVERING SOMEONE ELSE'S MAIL TO MY HOME, JACK ASS!” Mia Goo can be heard screaming. “Relatively quiet…” Lauren says. “You know what I want to do?” Claire asks. “Move?” Lauren questions. “Well yes, but maybe after we both have a job. Which brings me to what I want to do right now. I want to make a MOVIE!” Claire exclaims. “Where did this come from?” Lauren asks. “What do you mean? I've always wanted to be a film director!” Claire claims. “Since when?” Lauren asks. “Uh, since forever! I always talk about it!” Claire claims. “You've NEVER talk about it. Not one single time.” Lauren argues. “You know, you could at least pretend to support my dreams.” Claire says. “How does me pointing out that you've never brought this up before mean-you know what? Never mind. What kind of movie do you want to make?” Lauren asks. “A romantic comedy! Picture this, babe! I could be the romantic lead! The super hot, charismatic, charming, funny, nerdy, popular, villainess, heroic lead! And you? You could be my love interest!” Claire says. “I'm not starring in no movie.” Lauren says. “Come on!” Claire begs. “I'm sorry, I don't act. I'd rather tell someone to have a nice day than do any kind of acting.” Lauren says. “Wow, you feel that strongly about it, huh?” Claire asks. Lauren nods. “Okay, well, we could find actors…” Claire says. “How are we gonna pay them?” Lauren wonders. “Shit, I never thought of that…maaaaaaaaaybe….Queen Goo could give us the money! There's an idea! She could fund our movie!” Claire says. “Babe, Queen Goo said she would try to respect you. She did not say she would try to like you. Plus, she's still bent out of shape over the few bucks she says you still owe her.” Lauren notes. “She said it was a fucking loan, Lauren! Don't believe a word out of that old bag's mouth!” Claire shouts. “Either way, no way in hell is she giving you that money. You'll have to find someone else.” Lauren says. “I mean…do you think Andre would loan it to us?” Claire wonders. “Andre who was bragging on the way back from the club that he's been cheating on his taxes for the last fifteen years? I don't want you going into business with him! He'll have you thrown in jail in no time! Any other ideas?” Lauren wonders. “Hm…ah ha! I think I know the perfect person!” Claire exclaims. Claire runs to the door. “I'll be back soon!” Claire says. “Babe, you don't have a license. Remember what happened last time you drove without a license?” Lauren asks. “Do you get your jollies off of killing my joy or something? God sweetie, you can be such a killjoy sometimes.” Claire says. “Do you want me to give you a ride or not?” Lauren asks. “I mean…if it's not too much trouble.” Claire says. Lauren sighs and stands up. “I'll go grab the keys.” Lauren says.

https://youtu.be/deoDPg6npN4?feature=shared

Claire is sitting in an office across from someone. “So, what do you think?” Claire wonders. “I don't know. Vito, what do ya tink?” Michael asks. Vito shakes his head. “Vito don't like ya idea! He tinks romance is kinda girlie!” Michael says. “Well screw what Vito thi-I mean, that's a matter of opinion! In my experience, romance sells!” Claire says. “And what experience is dat? Go on, I'll wait.” Michael says. “Uh…well…I’ve…I’ve seen lots and lots of movies!” Claire notes. “Dat ain’t experience!” Michael argues. “Well you’ve gotta start somewhere!” Claire states. “Well you ain’t startin’ here! Vito, get this broad outta my sight!” Michael orders. “Wait! What if I sweetened the deal?” Claire asks. “I’m listenin’.” Michael says. “Would you be interested in creative control maybe?” Claire asks. “Creative control? In your little pile of pink, feel good garbage? Forget about it! I ain’t interested, and neither is my wallet!” Michael states. “But what if I put your name in the CREDITS? Picture this: the end of the movie rolls in, the final scene fades to black, and the first thing you see is “Special thanks to Michael…” wait, what the hell is your last name?” Claire asks. “Just call me Michael Da Boss.” Michael says. “Okay, so the credits read “Special thanks to Michael Da Boss”! Think about this for a sec! You’ll be famous, and for once it won’t be because one of your former employees died under suspicious circumstances!” Claire says. “It ain’t suspicious if there ain’t blood!” Michael says. “Whatever! So, what do you think?” Claire asks. “I do like da idea of my name bein’ on da big screen, or on da small screen, or on Viewtube which is probably where dis shitshow is gonna end up. Ah, what da hell? I just sold a warehouse full of cocaine, I’ve got da money to spare! But I’m gonna be stoppin in to check on production, and I better like what I see! Got it?!” Michael asks. “Yeah, of course! Whatever you need! Oh my gosh, I can’t wait to tell Lauren the good news!” Claire exclaims. “Outta curiosity, did you tell your girl whose you gettin’ da money from?” Michael wonders. “Of course I did! Lauren and I don’t keep secrets from each other.” Claire says.

Claire gets into the car and finds Lauren still sitting in the driver’s seat. “So, how did it go?” Lauren wonders. “Fantastic! I got the money!” Claire exclaims. “Well that’s good. I can’t believe Bo Yeller actually gave you the cash, I didn’t think you two knew each other all that well. What’s he doing holed up in a seedy warehouse anyways?” Lauren asks. “Oh…uh…he has an infestation at his house and he had to get away.” Claire lies. “Termites? Mice?” Lauren asks. “Worse. Family.” Claire says. “Relatable. You ready to go?” Lauren asks. “I’m ready! Now that we’ve got the funding, we’ve gotta find us some actors.” Claire says. “Know anybody?” Lauren wonders. “I know a few people.” Claire says.

At Lauren and Claire's house, Andre and Dun Dun are sitting on the sofa. “So let me see if I am understanding this correctly. You want Dun Dun and myself to appear in a movie, one produced and written by you?” Andre asks. “That’s right. The movie is abou-” Before Claire can finish, Andre interrupts. “I’ll do it!” Andre exclaims. “Y-you will? You don’t even know what it's about!” Claire notes. “I don't care what it is about! I have always wanted to appear on the big screen!” Andre notes. “What's he call all of those serial killer documentaries he's been in?” Lauren wonders. Claire elbows her. “Ow!” Lauren complains. Claire turns towards Dun Dun. “You're being uncharacteristically quiet, Dun Dun. What do you think?” Claire asks. “Dun Dun no know, she pretty busy these days.” Dun Dun says. “Doing what?!” Lauren questions. “No appearing in movie that bring Dun Dun bad publicity.” Dun Dun says. “You bring yourself bad publicity on a daily basis!” Lauren snaps. “That not how you get Dun Dun to sign on!” Dun Dun notes. “Sorry! Lauren is very sorry! Isn't that right, babe?” Claire asks. “Fuck no!” Lauren says. Claire turns towards Dun Dun. “You don't have to worry about her, Dun Dun! She's just the camera woman!” Claire says. “I'm the WHAT?!” Lauren asks. “She's not starring in the movie! She's not writing it! You’ll barely have to look at her because her face will be hidden behind this big ass camera!” Claire says. “Good. Every time Dun Dun see that face, it make her think of pork chop.” Dun Dun says. “Did…did you just compare my face to a fucking pig?” Lauren asks. “No. It just Dun Dun hate pork chop, and Dun Dun hate Laura too.” Dun Dun says. “So are you on board or what?” Claire questions. “Dun Dun gonna have to look at contract.” Dun Dun says. Claire hands Dun Dun the contract. Dun Dun briefly glances at it and then puts it down. “Dun Dun no reading all this! Just show her part where it say how much she getting paid!” Dun Dun shouts. Claire points to the amount on the contract. “Hm, Dun Dun no help but think that missing 0.” Dun Dun says. “Are you serious?! I'm already paying you top dollar!” Claire shouts. “You call this top dollar?! This barely enough to buy Dun Dun coffee! Dun Dun need…no, Dun Dun DESERVE MORE!” Dun Dun shouts. “FINE!” Claire screams, before adding a 0 onto the contract. “Happy?!” Claire asks. “No, but it start.” Dun Dun says. Claire turns towards Andre. “What about you? Are you gonna bitch about the pay too?” Claire asks. “Absolutely not! I am thrilled just to have the opportunity to show the world how extraordinary my acting skills are!” Andre exclaims. Lauren pulls Claire aside. “Hey, are you sure hiring those two is the best idea?” Lauren asks. “Who else would I hire?” Claire wonders. “I don't know, actual actors maybe? You got the budget you wanted, might as well put it to use.” Lauren says. “Ah, but I'm using this money strategically!” Claire says. “How so?” Lauren wonders. “I'm only spending a little bit of it on the movie. That way, once we're done, we can use the rest to go on a vacation! With all that money, we could go anywhere we wanted to!” Claire exclaims. “That's a nice thought and all…but don't you think Bo will want the rest of the money back that you didn't use?” Lauren asks. “Bo? Bo Yeller? What does he have to do with any of this?” Claire asks. “He loaned you the money, didn't he?!” Lauren asks. “Oh, right! My good friend Bo Yeller! My movie's benefactor! How could I forget him haha, but no, I'm sure he'll be totally cool with it. Oh my god, this is gonna be so AMAZING! This is gonna be my big break!” Claire exclaims.

Claire, Lauren, Andre, and Dun Dun are standing in Lauren and Claire's backyard. “Claire darling, where is the set?” Andre questions. “You're looking at it!” Claire exclaims. “You filming in you backyard?! Dun Dun thought she signed on to star in blockbuster film!” Dun Dun snaps. “You did! Don't let appearances fool you! We are going to make it big! So, have the two of you had a chance to review your scripts yet?” Claire asks. “There's a script?” Andre asks. “Yes! Did you not get it?” Claire asks. Lauren holds the script up. “You forgot to give it to him. I found it sitting on the kitchen table.” Lauren says. “No worries! I have an excellent memory! One simple look and the words will be branded onto my brain!” Andre says. Claire turns towards Dun Dun. “Did I forget to give you a script too?” Claire asks. “Dun Dun light it on fire to keep house warm.” Dun Dun says. “What?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!” Claire questions. “Because it look like a lot of words! Dun Dun figure she just wing it.” Dun Dun says. “No, you are not going to fucking wing it! I have a vision!” Claire snaps. “Wait, so how did you even get a script drawn up that fast?” Lauren wonders. “I had some AI thing write it for me.” Claire says. “Well this is gonna turn out swell…” Lauren sarcastically wonders. Claire shoves a script in Dun Dun's face. “Here! Read this!” Claire shouts. “Don't you tell Dun Dun what to do! You no her boss!” Dun Dun states. “Actually, she is.” Lauren says. “Well not anymore! Dun Dun is WALKING!” Dun Dun shouts. “Hold on now! Let's not be too hasty! I'm sorry if I seemed a little pushy with the script, I should've asked nicely.” Claire says. “Yes, Blaire should have. Dun Dun guess she forgive her…but it better not happen again!” Dun Dun warns. Dun Dun looks at the script. “Who Elena?” Dun Dun asks. “That's the character you'll be playing.” Claire says. “And I am playing the ruggedly handsome Chad!” Andre exclaims. “You a Chad?” Dun Dun asks. “Why yes, I suppose I am!” Andre says. “Chad? Elena? Claire! Those were literally the names of the two main characters in the last movie we watched!” Lauren points out. “So? All I did was borrow a couple of their character names! I did however made sure to include a scene about buying cereal, because that's always hot. Say, after this is all over, do you wanna go buy some cereal together?” Claire asks. Lauren sighs. “We ready to get this over with?” Lauren asks. “Get this over with? Lauren, this whole movie is going to be an experience that none of us forgets!” Claire says. “That's what I'm worried about.” Lauren says.

Later, Andre and Dun Dun are standing opposite of each other in the backyard as Lauren aims her phone at them. “I thought you were gonna buy an actual video camera?” Lauren asks. “Nah, too expensive.” Claire says. Claire walks over to them. “Okay, so here's what's happening in this scene. Chad and Elena are in the supermarket, they're gonna literally bump into each other, Elena is going to drop the box of cereal she was holding, and then Chad is gonna try to help her pick it up and the two will touch hands!” Claire says. “Why they touch hand?” Dun Dun asks. “Because they're both trying to grab the cereal and accidentally touch each other!” Claire says. “I personally believe it is an excellent plot point!” Andre says. “Hold on, you said this is supposed to take place in a supermarket? We’re in our back yard!” Lauren points out. “So?! You can just edit the background in or something!” Claire says. “I’m not a fucking editor! I’m barely even a camera woman!” Lauren argues. “If Dun Dun in supermarket, shouldn’t she have shopping cart?” Dun Dun asks. “For fuck’s sake! You people are so NEEDY!” Claire shouts. Claire hands Dun Dun a miniature pink, toy shopping cart. “HERE! Now can we start?” Claire asks. Dun Dun shrugs. “Fantastic! Lauren, roll the camera!” Claire orders. “And…action!” Lauren says. Dun Dun holds the script up to her face. “Oh no, Dun Dun looking for Gooeos and they no have any. What do Dun Dun do?” Dun Dun robotically asks. “CUT!” Claire screams. “WHAT?! Dun Dun do good!” Dun Dun claims. “Okay, first of all, can you PLEASE not read the script on camera?! That isn’t professional!” Claire shouts. “And filming in backyard supermarket is professional?!” Dun Dun asks. “And SECOND of all, I don’t remember seeing in the script Elena referring to herself in the third person! I also don’t remember her name being Dun Dun!” Claire notes. “So now Blaire have problem with way Dun Dun talk?! What next? Is Blaire going to yell at Dun Dun for stealing her purse?!” Dun Dun asks. “I…wait, what?” Claire asks. “...Oh. Dun Dun didn’t know she say that out loud. Whatever, Dun Dun REFUSE to deal with this DISRESPECT for any longer! Dun Dun QUIT!” Dun Dun yells. “WAIT! If you are really having trouble memorizing your lines, I guess I could arrange for there to be cue cards or something.” Claire says. “And what if Dun Dun can’t read at long distance?” Dun Dun asks. “Well then I guess we’re getting Elena some glasses! We’re also gonna have to come up with something to explain why she keeps saying Dun Dun!” Claire says. “Gud.” Dun Dun says. “Okay, we ready to pick this back up? It’s almost lunch time and I wanna wrap this up before then.” Lauren says. “Yeah, we’re ready. Positions, people!” Claire shouts. Andre and Dun Dun take their positions again. “Okay, 3…2…1…ACTION!” Lauren says. “Oh no, Dun Dun looking for Gooeos and they no have-” Before Dun Dun can finish, Lauren interrupts. “CUT!” Lauren yells. “WHAT?!?!” Dun Dun asks. “For once I agree with Dun Dun! This take was going fucking beautifully!” Claire claims. “Babe, you were in the shot!” Lauren tells her. “No I wasn’t.” Claire argues. “You literally were! Here I am trying to film Dun Dun, and I can see your arm off to the side!” Lauren notes. “Wrong.” Claire says. “Huh?” Lauren asks. “I said you are WRONG! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?!?!” Claire asks. Lauren’s eyes widen in shock. “Sorry, SORRY! This is a highly stressful situation and I am about two seconds away from an emotional breakdown. What do we have to do to fix this? JUST TELL ME WHAT WE HAVE TO DO!” Claire cries. “I mean…you could try stepping off to the left a bit…” Lauren suggests. Claire takes a deep breath in and then breathes out. “Yes honey, whatever you say.” Claire calmly says.

In Mia Goo’s house, Mia Goo is watching Lauren, Claire, Andre, and Dun Dun through the window, with a pair of binoculars. “Look at those losers! Playing pretend in their backyard like some overgrown children! How embarrassing!” Mia Goo says. Gus comes up behind her. “Indeed. By the way madam, when will we be returning to our game of hide and seek? Perhaps this time, you’ll find me!” Gus says. “Gus darling, I hate to tell you this, but the reason I never find you is because I never go looking for you to begin with.” Mia Goo says. Gus lowers his head. “Oh…” A saddened Gus mutters. Mia Goo returns to spying. “Oh Gus! Gus look! You won’t believe this! They have a mini shopping cart now! How silly they look! It’s a miracle they can even show their face out in public, engaging in these types of shenanigans!” Mia Goo says. “Would you like to join them, Madam?” Gus asks. “Very much so.” Mia Goo says. “I’ll go retrieve your coat.” Gus says.

Back in Lauren and Claire’s backyard, Dun Dun throws the script onto the ground. “This is GARBAGE!” Dun Dun screams. “Oh my GOD, WHAT NOW?!” Claire asks. “This scripture say Ellen and Chaz kiss!” Dun Dun notes. “It’s Elena and Chad, dumb ass! And what did you expect?! This is a romance!” Claire shouts. “Since when?!” Dun Dun asks. “Since you signed the contract! Maybe you should’ve read it!” Claire yells. “DUN DUN NO KISSING HIM! DUN DUN’S STANDARDS NO THAT LOW!” Dun Dun shouts, pointing at Andre. “Just lovely! Because I would never stoop low enough to kiss you either! I can’t even bend down that low!” Andre says. “Are you calling Dun Dun short?!” Dun Dun questions. “If the ruler fits.” Andre says. “That didn’t even make sense…” Lauren mutters. “He thought he ate with that.” Claire says. Andre kicks an anthill in frustration. “That is it! The final straw! I am WALKING!” Andre screams. “Dun Dun walking too!” Dun Dun yells. “FINE! At this point, I don’t care if you walk! I’ll make sure you two never work in this city again!” Claire shouts. “Good! Dun Dun never planned on working again anyway! She was making more money when she steal!” Dun Dun yells. Mia Goo jumps the fence and lands in the yard. “Oh yoohoo! Hello darling neighbors! Lovely to see you all!” Mia Goo says. “Oh for fuck’s sake, what are you doing here?!” Lauren asks. “Well, I happened to pass by my window when making blueberry muffins, and I noticed that the four of you seemed to be filming something! I just wanted to drop in, say hello, check and see if there are any available roles.” Mia Goo says. “Dun Dun and myself just quit, so there are plenty of roles available!” Andre announces. “Shit!” Claire shouts. “Splendid! When can I start?” Mia Goo asks. “You didn’t even audition!” Lauren says. “Who needs an audition, darling, when you have talent?” Mia Goo asks. “Uh, Andre, Dun Dun, can we talk real fast? PLEASE?” Claire asks. Andre and Dun Dun step aside with Claire. “Whatever Blaire have to say, say it to Dun Dun’s lawyer!” Dun Dun says. “Who’s that?” Claire asks. Dun Dun points at Andre. “I’m a lawyer? What fun!” Andre says, as he claps his hands. “Look, I’m willing to double your pay if you agree to stay on! We CANNOT let that woman get a role!” Claire says. “Dun Dun no kissing him! Dun Dun no care how much money you offer her!” Dun Dun yells. Claire writes down an amount on a piece of paper. “Okay, how about THIS much?” Claire asks, as she shows Dun Dun the paper. Dollar signs appear in Dun Dun’s eyes. “Dun Dun do it!” Dun Dun exclaims. “Nice try dear, but you cannot persuade me with bribery, for money is no object to me.” Andre says. “You remember that new face mask I told you about that I really, really liked? I have an extra one with your name on it.” Claire says. “Deal!” Andre exclaims. “Perfect!” Claire says. Claire turns towards Mia Goo. “Sorry Mia, but it doesn’t look like we have any openings.” Claire says. “But…they quit!” Mia Goo points out. “I’ve rehired them!” Claire exclaims. “Well surely you aren’t creating a movie with just two characters!” Mia Goo says. “We’re filming a romance, we only need two people.” Claire says. “But wouldn’t it be swell if Andre or Dun Dun’s character had a best friend they were able to confide in? Or perhaps an attractive older neighbor who oozes wisdom and maturity?” Mia Goo asks. “Nah, I think we’re good with what we have. Don’t worry though, I’ll keep you in mind for future movies. Don’t call us, we’ll call you!” Claire says, before pushing Mia Goo back over the fence. Claire turns back towards everyone. “Okay, where were we?” Claire wonders.

At home, Mia Goo swings open her front door. “Those snobby BITCHES!” Mia Goo screams. “I assume your audition didn’t go well?” Gus asks. “Why does everyone keep assuming that someone of my stature should have to audition? Anyways, I’m afraid it was an utter disaster!” Mia Goo cries. “I’m so sorry, Madam. Perhaps next time.” Gus says. “Oh Gus, there won’t be a next time.” Mia Goo says. Mia Goo reaches into a drawer and pulls out a pistol. “If I can’t be a part of their little movie, then I suppose NO ONE can be…” Mia Goo mutters. “Mia, don’t you think that may be a touch…extreme?” Gus asks. “Don’t you think not allowing me into their movie was a touch extreme, Gus?!” Mia Goo asks. “All I’m saying is that there are better ways of handling this. I’ve got an idea! You are an old, white lady.” Gus says. “Well, maybe not the old part, but what’s your point?” Mia Goo asks. “What do old white ladies do best?” Gus asks. “Complain on Basebook?” Mia Goo asks. “No.” Gus says. “Attend Ronald Grump rallies?” Mia Goo asks. “Yes, but that isn’t what I was referring to. What I meant was that you should call the police! Everyone knows that the police are an old white lady’s best friend! All it takes is a little bit of noise, and you can call them and ruin your neighbor’s whole evening!” Gus says. “My goodness, you’re right Gus! I’m going to do that right now!” Mia Goo says, as she begins dialing. Mia Goo stops. “No, wait! This cannot wait! I am going to call 911 instead!” Mia Goo says, as she begins dialing. Mia Goo finishes and puts the phone up to her ear. “911, what is your emergency?” The operator asks. “My neighbor is filming a movie and she had the audacity not to include me!” Mia Goo says. The operator hangs up. “H-hello?!” Mia Goo asks. Mia Goo begins dialing again and then puts the phone up to her ear. “911, what is your emergency?” The operator asks. “Yes, I’m…uh…I’m calling because…because I’ve been shot! And the shooter is next door, filming a movie!” Mia Goo lies. “Please hold while we transfer you to the correct department.” The operator says. “Hold?! I’m DYIN-” Before Mia Goo can finish, elevator music begins playing.

Back in Lauren and Claire’s back yard, Andre and Dun Dun lean in to kiss but end up bumping heads. “Watch what you doing!” Dun Dun yells. “You watch it! If I end up with a dent in my head because of that, you’ll be paying for my plastic surgery!” Andre tells her. “CUT!” Lauren screams. Claire claps for them. “Great job, guys!” Claire exclaims. “Who are you kidding? They’re fucking awful!” Lauren states. A limo suddenly crashes through their back fence. “Well that was random.” Claire says. Vito gets out of the driver’s seat, opens the back seat door, and Michael steps out of the limo. “Claire! Darlin’! Good to see ya!” Michael says. “Michael! What a surprise!” Claire nervously says. “The hell is he doing here?” Lauren asks. “I’m here to check out my investment, of course! Claire, ya said you told her!” Michael says. “Claire…” Lauren growls. “Uh, one sec…” Claire tells Michael. Claire steps aside with Lauren. “I can explain.” Claire says. “Explain why you lied? Can’t wait to hear this!” Lauren says. “I lied because I knew you’d be angry!” Claire says. “Then why the fuck did you do it?!” Lauren asks. “Because I really wanted to make this movie! Babe, this was my big chance to finally make something of myself!” Claire says. “What are you talking about? You’ve already made something of yourself! Everyone knows who you are!” Lauren points out. “Yeah, everyone knows Claire Riley, the washed up superhero! But I want to be more than just a superhero, I don’t want that to be my entire existence…” Claire says. “I get that, but the last thing you should’ve done was turn to Michael for help.” Lauren says. “At least he supported me! Where were you? You might be operating the camera, but it’s almost like you’re on autopilot. You feel like you have to do this, but you don’t want to.” Claire says. Lauren looks down and sighs. “I’m sorry. Maybe I could’ve handled this whole thing better…you're right, I haven't been that supportive.” Lauren says. Lauren takes Claire's hands. “If you want to make this movie, then we're gonna make this movie…together.” Lauren says. Claire smiles. “That means the world to me.” Claire says. “WHERE'S DAT DUMB BIMBO AT?!” Michael can be heard yelling. “Uh oh, that don't sound good. Better go see what he wants.” Lauren says.

Lauren and Claire walk over to Michael, Vito, Andre, and Dun Dun. “Is there a problem?” Claire asks. “You bet your ass dere is a problem! I just spoke to your cast, and they told me you're filmin’ some cheesy ass romance movie!” Michael says. “Why are you acting like that's news to you? I told you that's what I was doing!” Claire points out. “Well I've evolved since dat day!” Michael says. “That day was THIS MORNING!” Claire notes. “It was also before I read da script! You wrote dis garbage?!” Michael asks. “No! I'm not a writer! I had an AI do it for me.” Claire says. “So let me get dis straight! I paid boat loads of money to have dis movie made, and not only are dere not any sets, but you don't even got a writing team? Dis is why AI can NEVER replace humans, not dat I think you could've done any better!” Michael says. “Are you about to pull my funding? Because that money is the only way I'm able to afford these two overpriced assholes!” Claire says, pointing at Andre and Dun Dun. “Hey! Dun Dun no overpriced!” Dun Dun snaps. “Da only way I see us movin’ forward is if I make some small changes to da script.” Michael says. “Fine, whatever! Just don't go crazy, okay?” Claire says, as she hands Michael the script. Michael walks off with it. “Babe, it's not too late to go get the funding from someone else. You don't have to put up with this asshat!” Lauren says. “Yes I do! No one else would want to invest in a movie made by some nobody! It could be the best written story in the world and it wouldn't matter because I don't have some fancy degree or any other movie credits under my belt. I just hope he doesn't make too many changes and sticks to my original vision.” Claire says.

In Mia Goo's house, Mia Goo is still on the phone with 911 when Gus walks in. “Still on hold, Madam?” Gus asks. “Yes! I even told them I had been shot and they still aren't in a hurry to take my call!” Mia Goo says. “Enjoying your 911 experience? Feel free to look us up online and give us a 5 star review!” An automated message says. “Oh for fuck's sake…” Mia Goo mutters. “Feel like you're waiting in line for too long?” The automated voice asks. “YES!” Mia Goo shouts. “If your answer is yes, we have the solution! Now introducing the 911 battle pass! For a small fee of $30 a month, you will be put to the head of the line whenever you have a life threatening emergency, AND we will even send you weekly 911 news letters, autographed by our esteemed 911 operators! Please note that the 911 battle pass has no relation to the emergency room battle pass, that is a separate purchase. Press 1 if you would like to sign up for the 911 battle pass. Press 2 if you would like to hear more about the emergency room battle pass. Press 3 if you would like to hear about our all new ambulance battle pass, where for $40 a month, whenever you have a life threatening situation that requires an ambulance, we will send one of our new limo ambulances for you! That's right! You can be rushed to the hospital in style! We'll even turn our sirens on to get you there even faster if you sign up for the deluxe ambulance battle pass! Press 4 if you would like to hear about all available bundles.” The automated voice says. “What in the actual hell is a battle pass?!” Mia Goo questions.

In Lauren and Claire's back yard, Claire is looking at the revised script. “What in the actual hell is THIS?!” Claire questions. “You like it?” Michael asks. “No, I don't like this! This is literally a brand new script! How did you even write it this fast? You didn't, did you?! You already had a script typed up and sitting in your trunk!” Claire shouts. “Now you just sound like a paranoid loon.” Michael says. Lauren pulls the script out of Claire's hands and looks at it. “This is a movie about the fucking mob!” Lauren notes. “Yeah! People love da mob! I know I do!” Michael says. “Maybe back when the godfather came out three hundred years ago, but this is 2024! Nobody gives a shit about mob movies anymore!” Lauren says. “I do, and so does Vito!” Michael says. Vito nods in agreement. “This WILL NOT STAND! I wanted to do a romance movie, and that's what I'm gonna do!” Claire yells. “Not for me you ain't! Consider yourself fired!” Michael says. “IT'S MY MOVIE!” Claire yells. “And it's my money! Sorry doll face, you just ain't cut out for show biz.” Michael says. Michael turns towards Andre and Dun Dun. “How bout it? You twos wanna do a movie about da mob?” Michael asks. “Dun Dun like violence.” Dun Dun says. “I like violence AND the mob! Back in the day, I used to sell drugs!” Andre recalls. “Yeah, nobody gives a shit, buddy.” Michael says. Holding back tears, Claire turns around and runs back into the house. “Claire! Hold up!” Lauren shouts, as she chases after her. “Oh dear, I think she may be upset.” Andre says. “She'll get over it! You people ready to shoot or what?” Michael asks. Vito reaches for his gun. “I meant shoot da movie!” Michael says.

In Lauren and Claire's bedroom, Claire is lying on the bed with her face buried in the pillow, sobbing. Someone knocks on the door. “Go away!” Claire yells. “It’s me!” Lauren can be heard telling her. Claire picks up her head and turns towards the door. “I don't want to talk right now!” Claire shouts. “Alright, but I'm gonna sit right outside this door until you are ready.” Lauren says. Claire sighs, gets up, walks over to the door and then opens it for Lauren. “Come in…” Claire mutters. “That didn't take long.” Lauren says. Claire sits on the bed and Lauren sits on the floor in front of her. “Tell me what's wrong.” Lauren urges. “What's wrong? My movie was just hijacked! That's what's wrong!” Claire snaps. “I know you, Claire, that's why I know something else is going on here.” Lauren says. “It's like I said earlier, I want more for myself…Dylan and Andy have their careers as cops, you were a WPA agent, what do I have? The only thing I've got going for me is the whole super hero thing, and it's not because I'm actually good at it! I was born with these powers because my father from another planet got a human woman pregnant. I'm a mutation, one that wasn't even wanted to begin with. I can't even say that I went on to make something of my life, because I didn't! All I have to show are those damned powers that I inherited from my father…I’m nothing.” Claire whimpers. “You aren’t nothing, you’re everything…at least to me. I get what it feels like when you feel like you’ve got nothing going for you. God knows I need more than two hands to be able to count how many times I’ve felt that way about different aspects of my life. If Michael wants to hijack your movie, let him! We’ll just make another movie, even if we’re the only actors and we have to use a phone for a video camera. And if it turns out you don’t care about the whole movie making thing, that’s okay. We’ll find you something else that you do love.” Lauren says. “You keep using the word “we”...” Claire observes. “We’re a team, aren’t we?” Lauren asks. Claire smiles. “Yeah, we are…” Claire says. Claire and Lauren both stand up. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess…like…all the time…” Claire says. Lauren wipes away Claire’s tears. “You aren’t a mess, you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met.” Lauren says. “How can you say that?” Claire asks. “Because I know you, every part of you, and I’m the lucky one that gets to be loved by you. I owe my life to you, when I think about it. Before I met you, I was a heartless, robotic killer, but you taught me how to feel. Thank you for being my purpose.” Lauren says. “Sometimes I really hate that others can’t see the Lauren that I see. Underneath that rough exterior, you have the most beautiful soul.” Claire says. Lauren smiles. “Don’t say anything, it’ll be your word against mine. Come on.” Lauren says. “Where are we going?” Claire asks. “Downstairs to kick those jack asses out of our yard.” Lauren says.

In their backyard, Dun Dun is pointing a gun at Andre as Michael and Vito look on. “Dis is da part where Elena kills Chad for betraying da family! Make it look convincing! ACTION!” Michael shouts. Vito begins recording. “What did Dun Dun always tell Chad about loyalty? There nothing that matter more to her. When you no loyal no more, you no get to be alive anymore!” Dun Dun says. “I just love dat line.” Michael whispers. Dun Dun aims the gun at Andre, pulls the trigger, and shoots him in the leg! “OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” Andre asks. “Vito! Didn’t I tell you to take da bullets out?!” Michael asks. Vito shakes his head. “Well damn, I was gonna.” Michael says. Dun Dun walks over to Andre. “Wow, that blood look real!” Dun Dun says. “IT IS REAL YOU DUMB BITCH! I’VE BEEN HIT!” Andre screams. “It okay Andre, camera no rolling no more. You can stand up.” Dun Dun says. “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO STAND WHEN I CAN’T FEEL MY LEG?!” Andre asks. Cop kicks down the gate, with his gun drawn. “POLICE!” Cop shouts. “COPS! EVERYONE SCATTER!” Dun Dun yells, before hopping the fence and running away. Mia Goo comes up behind Cop. “This is the spot, officer! The spot where that horrible, illegal movie was being filmed!” Mia Goo says. “There’s nothing illegal about filming a movie! Didn’t you say something about a lot of noise?” Cop asks. “Did I?...I mean, yes! I did!” Mia Goo says. “I don’t see anything outta the ordinary here.” Cop says. “Are you blind? I’M DYING!” Andre screams. “Sorry buddy, I don’t know what that has to do with me.” Cop says. “I’ve been SHOT you dumb fuck!” Andre yells. “You mean that isn’t just part of your silly little movie?” Cop asks. “NO!” Andre snaps. “Damn, shit just got real. Alright, who’s responsible for this?” Cop wonders. Vito points at Michael. “Hey! Didn’t we just do a scene where some traitor got shot for bein’ disloyal?!” Michael asks. Cop sighs. “Alright, you know the drill. You’ve got the right to remain silent, yada yada yada. All that good stuff. Now thanks to you, I’ve gotta go back to the station and fill out a whole bunch of paperwork! I should be home binge watching the first season of ‘Evil’, not doing this shit! Let’s go!” Cop demands, as he leads Michael away. Vito runs after them. Mia Goo walks over to Andre. “You know, I was really hoping Lauren and Claire would be here to get arrested! What happened to them?” Mia Goo asks. “Claire snapped tonight, Lauren snapped the day she was born.” Andre says. “Oh…how unpleasant.” Mia Goo says. “Can…can you call 911 for me?” Andre asks. “I’d love to, but I just bought the 911 battle pass and I would prefer not to waste it on the likes of you. Ciao!” Mia Goo says, before walking out of the yard. The back door opens and Lauren and Claire step outside. Not seeing him in the dark, Claire steps right on Andre’s head, knocking him out. “Guess everyone left on their own.” Claire says. “Damn. I was really hoping to shoot somebody.” Lauren says. “I thought you were just gonna kick them out!” Claire says. “These people were mob bosses, babe. Kicking them out means shooting them. Anyways, wanna head inside and watch a romcom?” Lauren asks. Claire smiles. “You read my mind.” Claire says, as she and Lauren walk back inside. Meanwhile, Andre is still passed out on the ground…