S4 Episode 04: PresiDun

*At home, Yeller is watching TV, when breaking news cuts in to the regular programming. “We interrupt your scheduled program to give you some rather...surprising news. It appears that the results for the last minute presidential election has come in! Queen Molly Goo has received .0000001% of votes, while her rival candidate….Dun Dun? Uh, her rival candidate, Dun Dun, has received...9 zillion% of the votes...definitely not rigged, but you know, I’m just the messenger.” The news reporter says. Bo passes through the room. “Dad, guess who the new president of the United States is!” Yeller says. “Unless its Dan Green, I don’t care.” Bo says, before exiting the room. Yeller returns his attention to the TV. “Oh, what do you know? Our new president is giving a press conference! Lets go check out the train wreck...I mean, the conference.” The reporter says. The screen cuts to Dun Dun, standing on a podium. “Thank you, people of Zimbabwe, thank you!” Dun Dun says. “We live in the United States.” Someone off camera whispers. “Shhh! This Dun Dun’s press conference! Get your own country!” Dun Dun yells at the person. Dun Dun returns her attention to the people. “Dun Dun would like to thank you for electing her president of world.” Dun Dun says. “You’re not president of the world, you are president of the United States!” Someone off camera says. “Give time, Nelson. Give time.” Dun Dun tells the person. Dun Dun returns her attention to the people. “Dun Dun would again like to thank voters. And for people who no vote for Dun Dun, you DEPORTED! Now, have a nice night, Dun Dun going to go to Oval Office and sleep.” Dun Dun says. “Aren’t you going to answer questions from the press first?” Nelson, who is still off camera, asks. “Who press?” Dun Dun asks. “The reporters!” Nelson tells her. “Someone reported Dun Dun? For WHAT?! SHE HASN’T DONE ANYTHING ILLEGAL! SHE SWEAR!” Dun Dun yells. “They are from the news! You are the new president, so they’ll want you to answer some questions!” Nelson says. “Oh. Okay. Dun Dun will answer questions, she guess.” Dun Dun says. “Madam President, is it true that you got your Father, Ronald Grump, to rig the election for you?” A reporter asks. “Lady Reporter, Dun Dun appreciate that question, she only have one answer for you...GET OUT!” Dun Dun orders. Footsteps can be heard as the reporter leaves. “Next question!” Dun Dun yells. “Madam President, what does it feel like to have both Republicans and Democrats universally hate you?” A reporter asks. “That fake news! Everyone loves Dun Dun! Next question.” Dun Dun says. “Madam President, what are your plans to fix the failing economy?” A reporter asks. “Well, no one love money like Dun Dun, and she have very good plan to fix. To help country, Dun Dun decide to take money from EVERYONE bank account, all the money, and give it to Dun Dun! She promise to use it on country things, like...nuclear war, studies to prove moon is made of cheese, badminton!” Dun Dun says. “Madam President, if you didn’t rig the election, how come hundreds of boxes of ballots were found at your home after a police raid this evening?” A reporter asks. Dun Dun’s eyes widen. “Press conference over! Good night!” Dun Dun says, before running off stage.

*In the Oval Office, Dun Dun is with Leafy Fan. “Dun Dun don’t get it! Why everyone ask HER hard questions! So what if she rig election? Does that make her bad president?” Dun Dun asks. “I have bad news. Leafy and I checked your approval rating, and it is in negative numbers!” Leafy Fan reveals. “WHAT?! How can we rig that?” Dun Dun asks. “Dun Dun, we cant! They’ll impeach you!” Leafy Fan says. “Leafy Fan, look at Dun Dun. Does she LOOK like peach to you?” Dun Dun asks. “That’s not what that means...” Leafy Fan says. “Leafy Fan, Dun Dun no make you vice president to confuse her! Dun Dun make you vice president to do the work that Dun Dun cant!” Dun Dun says. “All of the work?” Leafy Fan asks. “WHAT.” Dun Dun angrily asks. “Nothing, Dun Dun.” Leafy Fan says. “That Queen Dun Dun to you.” Dun Dun says. “You aren’t a queen!” Leafy Fan points out. “Stop stomping on Dun Dun’s dreams!” Dun Dun yells. The phone begins to ring. “Who that?” Dun Dun asks. Leafy Fan shrugs. Dun Dun answers the phone. “What do you want?” Dun Dun asks. “Hello, is this President Dun Dun?” A voice with a Russian Accent asks. “That depend. You no IRS, right?” Dun Dun asks. “No, it is me! Patty Cake Fruitin! The president of Russia!” Patty Cake says. “That nice, why should Dun Dun care?” Dun Dun asks. “I wanted to congratulate you on your victory!” Patty Cake says. “Is that all? Sesame Street on in one hour and Dun Dun no wanna miss it.” Dun Dun says. “Well, you seem like a bright young gal, you see, I was thinking that we could make a...deal, hehe.” Patty Cake says. “What kind of deal?” Dun Dun asks. “The kind where you trade me all of your military’s weapons. It really would be beneficial for you.” Patty Cake says. “What in it for Dun Dun?” Dun Dun asks. “One dollar, and twenty two cents. U.S money, of course.” Patty Cake says. “One dollar and twenty two cents?!...SWEET! THAT BIG MONEY! YOU GOT A DEAL MR. FATTY CAKE!” Dun Dun says. “That’s Patty Cake...and lovely! I’ll send a team of former KGB operatives to come and retrieve them! Have a good day! Poka!” Patty Cake says. “Poke WHO?” Dun Dun asks. The line goes dead. “Crazy leaf lady! Dun Dun been president for 24 hours and she ALREADY make good deal with world leader!” Dun Dun says. “You made peace with North Korea?” Leafy Fan asks. “Nope! Dun Dun sold weapons to Fatty Cake Poopin!” Dun Dun announces. “You mean Patty Cake Fruitin? Are you INSANE?!” Leafy Fan asks. “That no relevant!” Dun Dun says. “How could you make that kind of deal with one of the most dangerous people on earth?!” Leafy Fan asks. “Dun Dun don’t know, Leafy Fan, he sounded like a pretty swell guy.” Dun Dun says. “How are we going to explain this to the press?” Leafy Fan asks. “They no have to know.” Dun Dun says. “They aren’t gonna notice the entire U.S arsenal missing?” Leafy Fan asks. Dun Dun shrugs. “Who care? It good deal!” Dun Dun says. “...how much did you sell the weapons for?” Leafy Fan asks. “Big money! One dollar and twenty two cents!” Dun Dun announces. Leafy Fan starts banging her head into the wall.

Five Days Later

*Leafy Fan is once again with Dun Dun in the oval office. “Dun Dun, you have been in office for only six days, and there are already sixty nine scandals about you circling the internet!” Leafy Fan says. “Who believe the internet these days? Only dummy believe internet!” Dun Dun says. Tabitha walks in, clearly angry. “What have you done to this country?!” Tabitha asks. “Dun Dun no do nothing but make country better.” Dun Dun says. “Really? Why don’t I read through some of your biggest hits then?” Tabitha puts on her reading glasses, and pulls out her tablet. “President Dun Dun orders missile strike on Yemen because she doesn’t like the Call of Duty stage. President Dun Dun on violence in America: “If you don’t want to get shot, don’t go outside”. And, there is of course the classic headline, President Dun Dun proposes ban on presidential term limits and elections so that she can be president forever.” Tabitha says. “It good idea!” Dun Dun says. “Surely, you really don’t believe this farce of a presidency is going to last much longer.” Tabitha says. “How dare you call Dun Dun’s presidency a fart!” Dun Dun yells. “Farce, I said FARCE! Look, bottom line, it is only a matter of time before you are impeached. Riots are brewing, congress is whispering, and it is only a matter of time before you, “Madam President”, are out on your illiterate butt!” Tabitha yells. “Dun Dun NOT illiterate! And she no going NOWHERE!” Dun Dun yells. Dun Dun’s phone begins to ring. “That’s probably just the FBI, letting you know that they are sending a team to stop your reign of terror, once and for all!” Tabitha says. Dun Dun answers the phone. “Go away...Oh? Yeah, sure, send him in.” Dun Dun says, before hanging up. “We have visitors? Leafy and I LOVE visitors!” Leafy Fan says. “Yeah, some dude who call himself Ping Pong Fun. I told them to let him in.” Dun Dun says. “The president of North Korea IS HERE?!” Tabitha asks. “No! Ping Pong Fun is here! GET IT RIGHT!” Dun Dun yells. “They are the same person, you swamp creature!” Tabitha points out. Ping Pong Fun enters the office. “Hello, I president Dun Dun. Welcome to the Dun House.” Dun Dun says. Ping Pong Fun says something in Korean. “What? Dun Dun no speak Chinese.” Dun Dun says. “He’s Korean, you moron! He is also a dangerous psychopath!” Tabitha points out. “Hello dangerous psychopath. How your day?” Dun Dun asks. Ping Pong Fun says something in Korean. “Dun Dun no understand! Stop speaking jibberish!” Dun Dun yells. Ping Pong Fun begins to stomp his feet in a fit of rage, and then pulls out a grenade! “Oh dear god, he has a bomb!” Tabitha yells. “You think THAT scare Dun Dun? The only thing scary about you is ugly haircut!” Dun Dun says. “Stop antagonizing this man!” Tabitha yells. “Dun Dun president, not you! Shut up!” Dun Dun yells. “I am a concerned citizen of this country!” Tabitha notes. “Well consider yourself DEPORTED!” Dun Dun tells her. Ping Pong Fun begins yelling at Dun Dun. “Oh blah blah blah SHUT UP! Dun Dun no wanna hear you whining, you big baby! What, you think because you have bomb, you have right to yell at Dun Dun? Do you no know where you are? You in United States of Dun Dun!” Dun Dun says. “Just a reminder that that little change you proposed hasn’t made it through Congress.” Tabitha notes. “It WILL!” Dun Dun says. Ping Pong Fun begins to remove the pin from the grenade, just as secret service burst in, and shoot him! Ping Pong Fun then falls to the ground. “Madam President, are you alright? How did that man get in here?” The secret service agent asks. “Dun Dun let him in.” Dun Dun answers. “You...you let the dictator of North Korea into the White House?” The secret service agent asks. Dun Dun nods. “Madam President, I’m not sure that was the best idea.” The secret service agent says. “How DARE you question authority of Dun Dun! You FIRED!” Dun Dun yells. “But...but I’ve been with the Secret Service for 35 years! I’m suppose to retire in two days! If you fire me, I won’t be able to collect my retirement fund! How will I support my family?! Please Madam President, PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME!” The secret service agent begs. “Dumb mall cop should’ve thought of that before he tell Dun Dun how to president. Out of Dun Dun sight, now!” Dun Dun yells. The secret service agent exits. “Well, I hope you relish your presidency, while it lasts. Because before long, you are going to go back to being a wannabe bank robber, just like that bald idiot Yeller! Your presidency is OVER, Dun Dun!” Tabitha yells. “Dun Dun deport you! Why you still here?” Dun Dun asks. “You cant just deport me! I am a U.S born citizen!” Tabitha yells. “Watch Dun Dun. Head of immigration!” Dun Dun calls out. Cop walks in. “Yes ma’am?” Cop asks. “This woman illegal goblin!” Dun Dun yells. “You mean illegal alien?” Cop asks. “This is all a big fabrication, by that she devil! I am a legal born citizen! I have a birth certificate to prove it!” Tabitha says. “Ma’am, there is an expression that I use quite often.” Cop says. “Why eat one doughnut when you can eat a hundred?” Tabitha asks. “Well, yeah, but that’s not the one I was talking about! The one I was thinking about is I don’t need no stinkin proof! Come with me!” Cop says, as he grabs Tabitha’s arm. “You cant do this to me! I am a law abiding citizen! I am a LEGAL citizen!” Tabitha yells. “Annoying loud lady just told Dun Dun that people who wear sunglasses loser.” Dun Dun says. Cop then drags Tabitha out, who is cursing at Dun Dun. Once Cop and Tabitha are gone, Leafy Fan turns towards Dun Dun. “Dun Dun, with all due respect, but I don’t think the people will like it when they find out you deported a legal citizen.” Leafy Fan says. “Dun Dun no take advice from crazy leaf lady!” Dun Dun says. “Don’t blame me when your presidency goes down the toilet.” Leafy Fan whispers. “What?” Dun Dun asks. “Nothing, Madam President.” Leafy Fan says. “That Madam PresiDun!” Dun Dun corrects her. Dun Dun turns on the TV. “This is channel 0 News, with BREAKING NEWS on the Dun Dun Presidency!” The reporter announces. “Uh oh.” Dun Dun says. “We have just received word that that monster president fired an elderly secret service agent just DAYS before his retirement. She also brutally murdered a poor misunderstood man from North Korea, who only wanted to visit with her. Is that the kind of woman you want as a president? I say we impeach her!” The reporter says. “CIA Director!” Dun Dun calls out. Cop comes in. “Yes, ma’am?” Cop asks. “I thought he was in charge of immigration.” Leafy Fan notes. “I’m in charge of everything.” Cop says. “Except country and education. Education important topic to Dun Dun, she thought it better if she handle that herself.” Dun Dun says. “What can I do for you, ma’am?” Cop asks. “Assassinate reporter!” Dun Dun orders. “But...that would be murder, ma’am.” Cop says. “But she being mean to Dun Dun! She calling her bad words like bad president, and accusing Dun Dun of words she no understand like treason!” Dun Dun says. “Ma’am, here at the CIA, we don’t kill innocent people.” Cop says. Cop’s phone begins to ring. “Scuse me.” Cop says. Cop answers. “Yeah?...what do you mean the guy in front of you ordered the last Boston Kreme? I wanted Boston Kreme! Put two in the back of his head, please and THANK YOU!” Cop yells, before hanging up. Dun Dun and Leafy Fan stare at him. “What? He was a threat to National Security.” Cop claims. “That reporter is, too, Cop! She said she gonna blow up doughnut shop!” Dun Dun lies. “No, she cant! I’ll deal with her myself.” Cop says, before running out. “It good being president. Dun Dun hope it never end.” Dun Dun says. At that moment, Tabitha bursts into the office, with a swat team behind her. “There she is!” Tabitha yells. “What? Dun Dun thought she had illegal alligator deported!” Dun Dun yells, as the swat team begins to collect evidence. “You didn’t really think that was the end of it, did you? You should know by now that I don’t go down, easily! I, much like the rest of this country, was not about to give up fighting you and your horrendous regime!” Tabitha yells. “You fight however you want, Dun Dun no going NOWHERE!” Dun Dun yells. A swat team officer walks over to Dun Dun. “Ma’am, we have evidence that you rigged the election, illegally bombed 36 countries, sold every weapon we have to Patty Cake Fruitin, and then proceeded to sell the state of Massachusetts for a nickle.” The officer says. “Dun Dun HATE that state! She knew someone there who always accuse Dun Dun of things she no do! He the reason she sell Mexico Massachusetts!” Dun Dun yells. “Bottom line, ma’am, you’re coming with us.” The officer says, as he handcuffs Dun Dun. He begins to drag Dun Dun out, but Dun Dun stops. “Wait, WAIT! Dun Dun...she have message for American People.” Dun Dun says. Dun Dun steps to the center of the office. “It has been Dun Dun’s displeasure serving you and this horrible country. She has enjoyed herself. But, as great poet Bob Saget once said, good things no meant to last. Dun Dun is just happy that she has made stamp in Irish History.” A devastated Dun Dun cries. “Dun Dun...who are you talking to?” Leafy Fan asks. “The people of Dun Dun’s country, Zimbabwe.” Dun Dun says. “There aren’t any cameras, though.” Tabitha notes. “Wow, Dun Dun is crazy, talking to people who aren’t really there. Right, Leafy?” Leafy Fan says, while talking to Leafy. Leafy stares. The swat officers pick up Dun Dun, and begin to drag her out. “Dun Dun will return one day! She will! PresiDun will live ON! MARK HER WORDS!” Dun Dun screams, as she is dragged out of the office.

*Back at House of Dun, Dun Dun is laying on her towel on the floor, when Leafy Fan nudges at her. “Dun Dun, wake up!” Leafy Fan yells. Dun Dun jumps up. Dun Dun looks around. “Where swat team?” Dun Dun asks. “Were you having that dream where you broke into Fort Knox again? I told you not to watch breaking and entering tutorials before bed!” Leafy Fan says. “Dun Dun had dream where Daddy rig president election for her, Dun Dun become president, Dun Dun sold weapons to Nutty Butter Cookin, Dun Dun nearly get died by Japanese President, Cop killed over Kreme of Boston Doughnut, and Dun Dun get arrested by swat team for being good president!” Dun Dun says. “Okay…no more rotten bananas for you before bed.” Leafy Fan says, before walking out. “How could that be dream? Dun Dun know she was PresiDun, she know it!” Dun Dun says. Dun Dun looks down, and sees an American Flag pin on her chest. She then stares into the camera, wide eyed.