Episode 12: Good Lauren Hunting

*Sam is sitting in the control room. “Previously, on Total Yeller Mania Battle! The final 11 contestants fought harder than ever to stay in the game. As Lauren and Claire went out on their own to find contestants to kill, poor Tom Nook was stuck at his shop, all alone. I think that experience probably made the dude even crazier than he already was! Meanwhile, Dun Dun and Marik mistook the competition for Grand Theft Auto when they apparently stole a car from an old woman, and began cruising around the world in it, nearly killing Tom Nook in the process. On the other side of the world, Dave and Tat finally came to blows, when Tat stood up to Dave, telling him EXACTLY what she thought of him. Unfortunately, her independence from him didn’t last too long, because Lauren and Claire showed up, and Lauren killed both Tat and Dave. As the episode came to a close, Da Suits finally decided on a way to get rid of Tom Nook. If they are gonna kill him, they’ll have to get rid of the one person capable of protecting him, and that person is Lauren! What do you think, will Da Suits be able to kill Lauren like they plan, or will they die trying? I have absolutely no idea, but with only 9 contestants left in the game, the stakes have never been higher! Who will be the next contestant to get the boot, or in this case, the bullet? Find out, in a brand new episode of Total...Yeller...Mania...Battle!” Sam says.

*In a tree house, located in Insane Jungle, Eugene is working on his laptop, as Yeller watches. “Aren’t you happy that I knew how to build a tree house?” Yeller asks. “Very much so. You have proven to be quite capable.” Eugene notes. “So what are you doing now? Coding another defense thingy to stop the world from going nuts again?” Yeller asks. “No no, that is SO yesterday. What I’m doing right now is a simulation of the competition. I’m trying to determine which of the nine contestants is most likely to win.” Eugene says. “A computer program can determine that?” Yeller asks. “A computer program developed by yours truly certainly can.” Eugene says. “Let me guess, I’m the winner, right?” Yeller asks. “I’m afraid not. Neither for that matter am I.” Eugene says. “So who is?” Eugene asks. “Maxine, of course.” Eugene says. “You mean that Lauren chick, right?” Yeller asks. “Whatever. I told you that she was efficient with a fire arm, and this proves it. She is going to win the competition.” Eugene says. “Oh come on, some stupid computer program cant know that.” Yeller says. “A computer program which I personally developed certainly can.” Eugene says. “I think you’re giving yourself too much credit, buddy.” Yeller says. “And I think you are underestimating my intelligence, as well as my computer related skills.” Eugene says. “Lauren’s not gonna win.” Yeller says. “Oh but she is.” Eugene says. “Okay, how about we put down cash on it?” Yeller asks. “I beg your pardon?” Eugene asks. “You think she’s gonna win, so put your money where your mouth is. I’ll put down $100.” Yeller says. “Do you even have $100 to bet?” Eugene asks. “Uh...I’ll put it on my Dad’s tab. You putting money down, or not?” Yeller asks. Eugene sighs. “This is absurd.” Eugene says. “Is that a yes or a no?” Yeller asks. “Put me down for $100.” Eugene says. “That’s the spirit, four eyes!” Yeller says. “You should know though that my computer is never wrong.” Eugene says. “Its gonna be, this time.” Yeller says. “Attention contestants, the clock just reached 9 AM, which means its time for you guys to start slaughtering each other again! Don’t disappoint! Let the bodies hit the floor!” Sam says. Yeller grabs a pistol. “Time to go Lauren hunting!” Yeller says. “Excuse me?” Eugene asks. “If I’m gonna win this bet, I gotta make sure Lauren doesn’t win this game.” Yeller says. “You won’t succeed.” Eugene says. “Who’s side are you on?” Yeller asks. “By some misfortune, I’m on yours.” Eugene notes.

*Michael is waiting on the docks at Low Class Waterfront, when Vito exits the warehouse, holding a sniper. “So, you clear on what we’re gonna do?” Michael asks. Vito nods. “Gud. Make it quick, and clean. And if dere are any problems, get da heck outta dere. Understood?” Michael asks. Vito nods. “Gud, now get outta here.” Michael tells him. Vito then runs off. “You in trouble now, Tom Nook. You and dat body guard of yours.” Michael says…

*Lauren comes out of Tom Nook’s shop in Peaceful Forest, and finds Claire cooking. “What are you doing?” Lauren asks. “Putting the berries I collected last night to good use.” Claire says. “Well, we better eat quick. Now that Sam has announced that the day has begun, all the other contestants are gonna be crawling out of the wood works, looking for a fight.” Lauren says. “Let them, I’m sure you can handle them.” Claire says. “I never said I couldn’t, but I’m sure you don’t wanna deal with dodging bullets.” Lauren says. “Is that code for you don’t want me to have to deal with dodging bullets?” Claire asks. Lauren shakes her head. “I know, I know, you’re not gonna admit it.” Claire says. “Speaking of admitting things, you had something to say to me last night?” Lauren asks. “Did I?” Claire asks. “When I was on my way inside, you called me back, I asked what you wanted, and then you replied with nothing. Obviously, you had something you wanted to say.” Lauren says. “I must have forgotten.” Claire claims. “Convenient.” Lauren notes. “Are you calling me a liar?” Claire asks. “Liar is too mean of a word.” Lauren says. “When did you ever care about being mean?” Claire asks. “I’ve never been mean to you.” Lauren notes. “I know you haven’t, but you’ve been mean to everybody else. I guess that must make me special, huh?” Claire asks. “Sure.” Lauren responds. Tom Nook comes out of his shop, looking around cautiously. Tom Nook notices his shadow on the ground, screams, and runs back inside. “There goes the ground hog.” Claire says. “Baby.” Lauren adds. Lauren walks over to the shop. “Get out of there, Nook.” Lauren tells him. “No! They are out to get me, they all are! SWAT Team, Da Suits, the squirrels, the two of you! Stay away from me!” Tom Nook can be heard crying. Lauren rolls her eyes. “Why oh why did Sam have to put us onto his team?” Lauren asks herself. “Who cares if he doesn’t come out? You and I are better without him, anyway.” Claire says. “Ain’t that the truth.” Lauren says.

*Dun Dun and Marik are walking through Rotting Cemetery. “Bakura! Are you here? BAKURA!” Marik yells. “Marik, what you doing?” Dun Dun asks. “Calling for Bakura! He’s a spirit, so maybe he is here somewhere!” Marik says. “You stupid? Why would spirit be found at graveyard? It insanity!” Dun Dun says. Marik sighs. “I guess you’re right.” Marik says. All of a sudden, a ghost comes out from a grave! “Bakura!” Marik exclaims. The ghost lets out a loud roar. “Dun Dun no think that you friend.” Dun Dun says. “I think you’re right. RUN!” Marik yells. Dun Dun and Marik begin to run away. “Where the bleep Luigi when you need him?” Dun Dun asks, as they continue to run from the ghost.

*Lauren finds a grenade launcher buried in Peaceful Forest. “Oooh, this is nice. I have a feeling it’ll come in handy.” Lauren says. “You plan on blowing something up?” Claire asks. “This stupid shop, the second Nook kicks the bucket.” Lauren says. “Oh.” Claire says. Lauren looks at Claire. “You feeling alright?” Lauren asks. “Me? Never better. Why?” Claire asks. “You’ve been acting weird.” Lauren says. “I’m just being myself.” Claire says. “No, I mean weirder than usual.” Lauren says. “I’m fine.” Claire claims. “Whatever. I’m not gonna force it out of you. If you wanna talk, talk. If not, I don’t blame you.” Lauren says. “Its just that...over the last few days, I’ve figured a few things out about me, things that kinda surprised me.” Claire says. “Okay...like?” Lauren asks. “You...you’re a spy, you haven’t already figured it out?” Claire asks. “Apparently not, because I literally have no clue what you are talking about.” Lauren says. “Okay, well...lets see, how do I say this in a way that doesn’t make me turn completely red?” Claire asks. Lauren shrugs. “Um, well, over the past couple of days, you and I have spent a lot of time together.” Claire notes. “I know, I was there.” Lauren points out. “Right...well, what I mean is, I guess I’ve realized that...I don’t know...that I can rely on you, and trust you.” Claire says. “I’ve been trying to look out for you.” Lauren notes. “I know that, I’m grateful. You have been really amazing to me since the day I met you, and, I guess somewhere along the line, our relationship has evolved into something that I never expected it to.” Claire says. “What’s that?” Lauren asks. Before Claire can say anything else, Tom Nook comes out of the shop. “Which one of you halfwits used up all the hot water?!” Tom Nook angrily asks. “Couldn’t you have found a better time to interrupt?!” An annoyed Claire asks. “I demand an answer to my question!” Tom Nook yells. “I did! I needed the water for breakfast!” Claire yells. “Well, don’t do it again! How am I suppose to take my 47.6 minute shower, if there isn’t enough hot water?” Tom Nook asks. “I don’t know! Go find a gym in the city or something!” Claire says. “I don’t think I care for your sass.” Tom Nook says. “I KNOW I don’t care for you!” Claire says. Lauren hears a noise coming from nearby. “Somebody’s here.” Lauren announces. “What?!” Tom Nook angrily asks. “Shhh!” Lauren orders him. Lauren listens for a few more moments. A shot rings out, and a bullet narrowly misses Lauren! Lauren notices Vito sitting in a nearby tree. “Its Da Suits. We’ve gotta move.” Lauren says. “You don’t wanna stay and fight?” Claire asks. “He has a sniper, I don’t feel like dealing with the hassle! Come on!” Lauren orders. “What about my shop?” Tom Nook asks. “We’ll come back! Lets move!” Lauren says. Lauren, Claire, and Tom Nook rush off, as Vito fires another shot at them, but misses again.

*Dun Dun and Marik are passing through Insane Jungle, when they notice a tree house. “Marik, look! Dun Dun find new house!” Dun Dun says. “Dun Dun, we live in a castle, why the frig would we trade that in for a friggin tree house?” Marik asks. “Marik, you no understand. This could be Dun Dun and Marik summer cottage!” Dun Dun says. “Oooh, I’ve always wanted a summer cottage! When can we move in?” Marik asks. “Right now!” Dun Dun says. Dun Dun and Marik start climbing the tree. Eventually, they reach the top, and walk into the tree house. “WE HOME!” Dun Dun announces. Dun Dun and Marik then notice Eugene and Yeller. “Uh oh.” Eugene says. “Hey, GET YOUR OWN FRIGGIN TREE HOUSE!” Marik yells. “This is our own! We built it!” Yeller protests. “Well you gave it to me!” Dun Dun says. “No I didn’t! That is the stupidest lie I’ve ever heard!” Yeller says. “It not stupid, it gud lie!” Dun Dun protests. “Get out!” Marik orders them. “Maybe we should listen to the deviants.” Eugene suggests. “I don’t think so! Do you have any idea how long it took me to build this thing?” Yeller asks. “I was there when you did it.” Eugene notes. “So you know it took me DAYS!” Yeller says. “Actually, I believe it only took you two hours, which really makes me worry about whether or not this place is stable.” Eugene says. “Probably not, but I’m not gonna let my sweat and tears go to waste by giving our tree house to them, especially not after Dun Dun cut down all my TREES!” Yeller says. “Dun Dun no do that.” Dun Dun lies. “So, to be clear, you’re NOT going to give us the tree house?” Marik asks. “Is the sky pink?” Yeller asks. “Hey, don’t ask me no trick questions!” Marik says. “No, Marik, I’m NOT giving you the tree house, so you and Dun Dun can just turn around, and go, cause you’re not getting a single-” Before Yeller finishes, Marik shoots him! Yeller drops to the ground, and despawns. “Yeller is out of the game, placing 9th!” Sam announces. “That’s what you get for being mean to me!” Marik yells. Dun Dun and Marik turn their attention to Eugene. “I’ll let myself out.” Eugene tells them, before jumping out the window! Dun Dun looks out the window, and watches as Eugene runs off.

*Lauren, Claire, and Tom Nook arrive at the top of Pointy Canyon. “I think we lost him.” Lauren says. Claire turns towards Tom Nook. “So Nook, any clue why Da Suits would want to kill us?” Claire sarcastically asks. “Don’t pin the blame on me! I tried to negotiate a deal with Michael at the beginning of the game, its not my fault he’s a loser!” Tom Nook yells. “I don’t think Vito was aiming at Nook.” Lauren reveals. “What? But Nook is the guy that they want dead!” Claire notes. “Maybe, but for some reason, Vito was aiming at me.” Lauren says. “Why would he do that?” Claire asks. “My guess is that he wanted to get rid of Nook’s defense before he got rid of Nook. That way, there would be no one left to avenge Nook if he died.” Lauren says. “Like you would avenge me if they killed me!” Tom Nook says. “I wouldn’t, but they don’t know that, which is probably why they’re gunning for me.” Lauren says. “Well then do your job, protect me! KILL THEM!” Tom Nook orders. “I don’t take orders from you, so unless you want me to let Vito kill you, I suggest you shut your mouth, and go sit inside the cabin.” Lauren says. Tom Nook grumbles, as he heads into the cabin. “Do you think we’re safe?” Claire asks. “I think you are. Nook and I are two different stories.” Lauren says. “You should’ve just shot Vito.” Claire notes. “There wasn’t any time. I needed to get you out of there.” Lauren says. “Me?” Claire asks. “Don’t let it get to your head.” Lauren says. “Okay. Well, in any case, I’m happy that of all places we could’ve ended up, we ended up here.” Claire says. “Why?” Lauren asks. “This use to be our hideout before we switched teams, remember? This is where you taught me how to use a gun.” Claire recalls. “You were an alright student.” Lauren notes. “Your lessons at least helped me out a little, since I was able to kill Grandma. Honestly, if it wasn’t for you, I probably would’ve been killed on the first day.” Claire says. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You might not have known how to use a gun, but I’m sure you would’ve taught yourself. You’re smart like that.” Lauren says. “Thank you, that means a lot, coming from you.” Claire says. Claire gazes at Lauren, before taking a deep breath. “Lauren, there is something that I have to tell you.” Claire says.

*Eugene is running through Rotting Cemetery, when he trips, and falls into an open grave! Eugene ends up falling into The Gentlemens’/Chimney Sweeper’s old hideout. Eugene breathes a sigh of relief. “Safe at last!” Eugene announces. Eugene sits down. “I only wish that I didn’t have to surrender the tree house in order to be safe. Here I am, stuck in a graveyard, while those monsters are living happily ever after.” Eugene says.

*At the tree house in Insane Jungle, the smoke alarm is going off, as a fire blazes through the tree house. Dun Dun appears, holding a fire extinguisher. Dun Dun attempts to extinguish the fire, but it continues to spread. “Its no use! We must flee!” Marik yells. “NO! Dun Dun no giving up summer cottage! We no kill Yeller for tree house so it can go bye bye in fire!” Dun Dun yells. Marik rushes towards Dun Dun, and tackles her out the window! The two fall to the ground, and Dun Dun immediately stands up. “NO!” Dun Dun screams, as the tree house is burnt to a crisp. “It gone...Dun Dun’s Winter cottage is gone...” Dun Dun says, with a hint of disbelief in her voice. “I thought you said it was a Summer Cottage.” Marik notes. Dun Dun turns towards Marik, and points at him. “This YOUR fault! Only moron start fireplace in tree house!” Dun Dun yells. “I was friggin cold!” Marik argues. “Then swim in volcano! No start fire in tree house! Now where Dun Dun gonna sleep in the Autumn?” Dun Dun asks. “It was a SUMMER cottage!” Marik yells. “Now it no any season, because you KILL it!” Dun Dun yells. Marik collapses on the ground, and begins to cry. “Dun Dun, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to burn down your house! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!” Marik sobs. Dun Dun walks over to Marik, and places a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. “Dun Dun no forgive you.” Dun Dun calmly says. Marik begins to cry harder.

*Michael is pacing back and fourth in the warehouse. “Where da heck is Vito? And where is Tom Nook’s head? I expected to have dat flake’s head on a plate by now! With a side of barbecue sauce!” Michael says.

*”What is it?” Lauren asks. “Well, its something that I’ve been trying to tell you for a few days, but I haven’t gotten the chance. See, the thing is-” Before Claire can finish, Lauren places her hand over Claire’s mouth. “I hear something.” Lauren says. Lauren peeks over the cliff side, and sees Vito scaling the mountain. “He found us.” Lauren announces. “Vito?” Claire asks. Lauren nods, and grabs Claire’s hand. “Come on.” Lauren says, as she and Claire run towards the cabin. Lauren opens the cabin door, and finds Tom Nook on the sofa, watching TV. “Its time to move.” Lauren says. “WHAT? Darn it! Just as Mark was about to shoot that bit, Lydia!” Tom Nook says. Tom Nook stands up, and follows Lauren and Claire out of the cabin. A few moments later, Vito arrives at the top of Pointy Canyon. Vito pulls out his pistol, and begins to look around. Vito kicks down the cabin door, expecting to find Loan Sharks. However, no one is inside. At the bottom of the mountain, Lauren, Claire, and Tom Nook are running off. “Why couldn’t we have killed him?!” Tom Nook asks. “I was in such a rush to get you and Claire out of Peaceful Forest, I forgot a gun.” Lauren says. “You forgot a gun?! Wow, you must’ve REALLY been desperate to get us out of there, for you to forget your gun.” Claire says. “Like I said, don’t let it get to your head.” Lauren says. As they are running, Claire stops in her tracks, and then grabs Lauren’s hand, stopping her, too. “WHY ARE WE STOPPING? We have an assassin with a sniper chasing us!” Tom Nook yells. “I cant wait any longer. I have been trying to talk to you for days, but each time, we are either interrupted, or I lose my nerve. I don’t know if we are going to make it out of this situation in one piece, which is exactly why I just need to get this over with!” Claire says. “Get what over with? What are you talking about?” Lauren asks. Claire considers her next move for a moment, while looking into Lauren’s eyes, and then impulsively pulls Lauren into a kiss! Tom Nook’s jaw drops, upon seeing this. Claire finishes kissing Lauren, who stares at her in shock. “I know that I probably should’ve handled that better, but I was just so tired of tap dancing around my feelings, and I thought it might be easier to show you how I feel than to tell you.” Claire tells Lauren. “I think we are at a point where you don’t have much of a choice but to tell her.” An annoyed Tom Nook says. “When I was put on the same team as you, almost right away, I started admiring you. You are literally EVERYTHING a person should inspire to be. You’re strong, you’re confident, you’re witty, and you’re beautiful. The second I met you, I knew that I wanted to be friends with you, but I never thought it would go THIS far. Somehow, someway, I’ve fallen for you. I don’t know if it happened when you sacrificed killing Mun Mun to save me, if it was when you told me that I wasn’t a monster like my father while changing my bandages, or if it was some time before that, but the bottom line is, I have feelings for you. I don’t understand when it happened, or how it happened, but it happened, and I couldn’t be happier. Since everything that happened with my father, I have been in a pit of misery, but you managed to pull me out of that pit. You unknowingly gave me back a piece of myself. I’d even go as far to say that you saved me from myself.” Claire says. Claire takes Lauren’s hand. “I know that you aren’t big on the mushy stuff, and you probably want to kill me right now for putting you through all of this, but I needed to get this off my chest. I couldn’t go on bottling these feelings up inside of me. I know you probably don’t feel the same way about me, but I just wanted you to know how I feel, even if you don’t return those feelings.” Claire says. “Shut up.” Lauren tells her. “Wha-” Before Claire finishes, Lauren pulls her into a kiss! “Oh for Pete’s sake...” Tom Nook mumbles. The two finish kissing, and Lauren begins to stroke Claire’s cheek. “We’ll talk about this later, but right now, I need to get you two to safety.” Lauren says. Lauren checks her watch. “Its 5:58, there isn’t much time left for Vito to get us, but we should still get going.” Lauren says. “FINALLY! Yes, lets move, so we are no longer sitting ducks!” Tom Nook yells. Meanwhile, on top of Pointy Canyon, Vito is pointing his sniper directly at Lauren! “Lets go.” Lauren tells Claire and Tom Nook. Before they start walking, Claire notices a red dot on Lauren’s clothes. “Lauren, WATCH OUT!” Claire screams. Vito fires a shot, just as Claire pushes Lauren out of the way! As soon as Lauren is out of the line of fire, Claire is hit by Vito’s bullet! Lauren rushes over to Claire, who is lying on the ground. Lauren gets onto the ground next to Claire, and puts Claire’s head onto her lap. “Stay still, you are gonna be fine.” Lauren tells her. “I’m...I’m sorry. If...if I hadn’t kissed you, we would’ve been long gone by now.” Claire says. Lauren begins to stroke Claire’s hair. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Lauren assures her. “I’ll...I’ll see you soon.” Claire tells her. Lauren checks her watch, and sees that it is 5:59. She looks back at Claire, just as Claire despawns! As Vito prepares to fire one more shot at Lauren, the clock hits 6:00. “Claire has been eliminated from the competition, landing herself in 8th place! In other news, the clock just struck 6 PM, which means the fun is over for today! See you all tomorrow!” Sam says. Lauren is still sitting on the ground. She looks up, and notices Vito leaving the top of the mountain. Lauren then closes her eyes, in emotional pain…

*Sam is sitting in the control room. “Wow, what an EPISODE! We better get nominated for an emmy award, or I’m boycotting! Anyway, with Yeller and Claire both gone, only 7 contestants are left in the game! Will Lauren exact revenge on Da Suits? Will Dun Dun ever forgive Marik for burning down her Spring Cottage? Will Eugene be able to survive on his own? You have to keep tuning in, to find out! I’ll see you next week, in a brand new episode of Total...Yeller...Mania...BATTLE!” Sam says.