Episode 04: Survival of the Meanest

Sam is standing on the dock of the island. “Previously on Total Yeller Mania Director’s Cut! We started off with the Devious Divas sending one of their team members home for the first time. Gangster Goo ended up being the one that they voted off which lead to the SHOCKING revelation that Gangster Goo was in fact Queen Goo. Queen Goo tried her best to win Cop back, but not before the police showed up to arrest her. Queen Goo ended up going on the run and that was the last we saw of her. Moving on to the challenge, the two teams were tasked with taking a pirate ship and traveling to the island they competed on in Total Yeller Mania Castaways, the island I am currently on. However, their travels were not without bumps in the road, one of those bumps being the loch ness monster! Okay, technically it WASN’T the loch ness monster, it was Man-Shark operating a robot, but they didn’t know that at first! Anyways, the loch ness monster ended up attacking the Overbearing Producers, forcing them to fight back against the beast. Elsewhere, Daisy recruited Claire into yet another alliance, one created to protect themselves and their team from the sheer idiocy of their teammates. As The Overbearing Producers were fighting old Nessie, the Devious Divas came across them and decided to play dirty! So even though the producers beat Nessie, their ship was soon sunk by the divas. Once that happened, the divas were able to make it to the island first and score yet another victory for their team, meaning yet another member of the Overbearing Producers would be sent home! So who will it be this time? Yeller, Bo, Grandma, Disk, or Kooky? Find out in an all new episode of Total...Yeller...Mania...Castaways!” Sam says.

Yeller, Bo, Grandma, Disk, and Kooky are all sitting around a bonfire. “I never thought we would be back here at this dumb island again…” Yeller says. “I am feeling an unfortunate sense of deja vu.” Bo admits. “I got eliminated once on this island!” Grandma recalls. “Yeah lady, we all did. Well, all of us except the dumb clown.” Disk says. “Who the (CENSORED) are you callin’ dumb?! You ugly-I mean, it is not polite to call people dumb, my close friend Disk.” Kooky says. “Still trying to keep up the whole nice act, huh?” Yeller asks. “My probation officer requires it.” Kooky says. Sam walks up holding a tray of marshmallows. “Good evening, campers! Are you ready to say goodbye to one of your own?” Sam asks. “Marshmallows? What a throwback.” Yeller says. “Not for me! I never actually got one of those because I got voted out first last season!” Disk recalls. “In fairness, you AND Creepy Guy got voted out first last season.” Bo points out. “Well in the spirit of nostalgia, I am going to be handing out marshmallows to whoever is safe. The person who does not get a marshmallow will be taking the log of shame home.” Sam says. “Can we please get on with this?” Kooky asks. “Of course. The first marshmallow goes to...Bo!” Sam says, as he throws Bo a marshmallow. “Also safe is Yeller.” Sam says, as he throws a marshmallow to Yeller. “The next marshmallow goes to...Grandma!” Sam says, as he throws Grandma a marshmallow. “Disk and Kooky, there is only one marshmallow left, which means one of you will not be continuing in the competition. The final marshmallow goes to...Disk!” Sam says, as he throws Disk a marshmallow. “Finally! After two freaking seasons I finally get one!” Disk says. “I...I got voted out?” Kooky asks. “About that. You were the first contestant this season where the vote was unanimous.” Sam reveals. “EVERYONE voted for me?!” Kooky asks. “Yeah, can you believe it?” Sam asks. “Uh oh, here we go…” Yeller mutters. Steam begins coming out of Kooky’s ears and he lets out a loud scream. Kooky stands up and storms over to Sam. “YOU BETTER DO A (CENSORED) RECOUNT! THERE’S NO WAY I GOT VOTED OUT!” Kooky shouts. “Why’s that, because you’re such a beloved contestant? A fan favorite? We have focus groups Kooky, and word on the street is that none of the fans like you. Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t get the boot back at the first elimination.” Sam says. Kooky grabs Sam by the throat. “YOU TAKE THAT BACK! I’M NOT GOING (CENSORED) ANYWHERE! YOU HEAR ME?! YOU’LL HAVE TO DRAG ME OUTTA HERE FIRST! I AIN’T LOSING MY CHANCE AT THAT MILLION DOLLARS!” Kooky screams. “Whatever you say, buddy.” Sam says. Man-Shark walks up behind Kooky and picks him up. “PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN!” Kooky yells.

Down at the docks, Kooky is now tied to the log of shame as Sam, Man-Shark, Yeller, Bo, Grandma, and Disk stand on the dock. “This isn’t the end of me! I’ll be back! And when I do come back, I’m gonna (CENSORED) kill EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! You hear that?! DEAD! EVERY ONE OF YOU IS DEAD!!!!” Kooky screams, as the log of shame drifts away. “If he’s mad now, just wait until he finds out he violated his probation and will be going to jail when he gets back!” Sam says. “WHAT?!” Kooky can be heard screaming from the distance. “Jeez, dude has good hearing.” Sam says.

The next day, Chimney Man, Dun Dun, and Leafy Fan are walking down on the beach. “Its so good to be back here! I’ve really missed this place!” Chimney Man says. “Dun Dun haven’t. Dun Dun wish it blow up.” Dun Dun says. “Shhhh! Don’t talk that way in front of Leafy! She might hear you!” Leafy Fan says. “So?” Dun Dun asks. “Leafy’s space is a violence free zone!” Leafy Fan says. “Well maybe leaf should leave room!” Dun Dun shouts. “We aren’t in a room!” Leafy Fan points out. “Ladies, we shouldn’t fight like this! We are on the same team!” Chimney Man notes. “Tell that to Blaire and Dandelion! Dun Dun know they plotting!” Dun Dun says. “Hm, they did knock you out yesterday…” Chimney Man notes. “But why would they do such a thing? We’re on the same team!” Leafy Fan points out. “I think I’ve got it! They see us as a threat! They’re worried that our skill level is making them look bad!” Chimney Man assumes. “Dun Dun think Chimney Dude on to something! And she know just how to handle this!” Dun Dun says. “Another dance party?” Chimney Man asks. “Yes, but Dun Dun also have second idea! Dun Dun, Leafy Fan, and Man of Chimneys should form alliance!” Dun Dun suggests. “Oooooooh, an alliance! I’ve never been invited to one of those before!” Chimney Man says. “I don’t know why, you seem like a perfectly nice guy!” Leafy Fan says. “Maybe they find my niceness intimidating.” Chimney Man says. “Focus people! We are in for fight of life! We must not let them force us out!!!” Dun Dun says. “Yeah! We’re gonna fight back!” Leafy Fan says. “We need a team name though…” Chimney Man says. “Dun Dun.” Dun Dun says. “Why are you saying your name? Are you a Pokemon now?” Chimney Man asks. “Ooooooh! Can I catch you?” Leafy Fan asks. “NO! That name of team! Dun Dun!” Dun Dun says. “NO!” Chimney Man and Leafy Fan both say. “Attention campers! I need you all to report to the cafeteria immediately!” Sam says, over an intercom. “We figure it out later! Let go!” Dun Dun says, before storming off. Leafy Fan and Chimney Man follow her.

At the cafeteria, Yeller, Bo, Grandma, and Disk walk in and spot Cop sitting at his team’s table all alone. “Where’s the rest of your team? They all quit?” Yeller asks. “That is none of your business!” Cop snaps. “You don’t know, do you?” Yeller asks. Cop puts his head down in shame. “I don’t know.” Cop admits. “That’s quite enough, son. Stop pestering the other team and lets go to our table.” Bo says. Yeller, Bo, Disk, and Grandma walk to their table as Daisy and Claire walk in. “Where the heck have the two of you been?” Cop questions. “Strategizing.” Claire says, as she and Daisy sit down. “About what?” Cop asks. “About how to win the game, obviously.” Daisy says. “Shouldn’t I be included in those conversations? I’m on the team!” Cop points out. “Perhaps, but its best to leave those sort of things to people with functioning brains.” Daisy says. Claire grabs Daisy by the ear and pulls her closer. “Just because Cop isn’t in our alliance doesn’t mean you have to be a total jerk to him!” Claire whispers. Dun Dun, Leafy Fan, and Chimney Man walk in. “What a lovely day! Right team?” Chimney Man asks. “Its alright.” Daisy says. “He no talking to YOU!” Dun Dun snaps. “Yes he is, he said team! Wait...are you three in an alliance?” Daisy asks. “No...what would make Daffodil think that?” Dun Dun wonders.

DAISY’S CONFESSIONAL: “Those three aren’t exactly being subtle about it. I can’t believe they would form an alliance and shut out the rest of their team! How awful can you be?” Daisy asks.

COP’S CONFESSIONAL: “Everyone is in an alliance but me! WHERE’S MY ALLIANCE?!?!” Cop questions.

Sam walks into the cafeteria. “Good morning campers! Ready for another fun filled day?” Sam asks. “Another? None of these days have been fun filled!” Yeller notes. “I never said it’d be fun for you! But enough about my enjoyment, lets talk about what you’ll be doing! Today we will be doing a survival movie challenge! Each team will have to spend the night out in the wilderness with nothing but the resources they can find out in the woods.” Sam says. “I’m not spending an entire night out in the woods!” Claire says. “And that’s totally fine if you decide not to.” Sam says. “Wait, seriously?” Claire asks. “Seriously! Its just that which team wins the challenge will be determined by how many teammates they have left by morning.” Sam says. “So far I’m not hearing the challenge part in all this.” Yeller says. “You really should learn to keep your mouth shut…” Disk says. “Obviously we aren’t going to make it easy for you. We’ll be throwing in some extra complications to make the woods an even more dangerous place.” Sam says. “What sort of complications?” Bo wonders. “Well...I think I’ll leave that for you all to figure out on your own.” Sam says. “Wait just a second! The other team has an unfair advantage! They’ve got six teammates when we only have four!” Grandma points out. “Oh go choke on a bingo card granny!” Daisy says. “I’m aware of the disadvantage. I guess that means you’ll have to try extra hard to make sure you don’t lose another teammate and leave yourself at even more of a disadvantage!” Sam says.

Out in the woods, Yeller, Bo, Grandma, and Disk are standing around. “So how are we meant to survive this?” Bo wonders. “Oh quit being such a baby! It’ll be a piece of cake!” Grandma says. “Did you miss the part where there are four of us and six of them?” Disk wonders. “That’s a two person difference!” Grandma points out. “Grandma is right! We must stop thinking so negatively! Besides, we do have one advantage.” Yeller says. “We have less idiots on our team?” Disk asks. “That’s debatable.” Grandma says. “No! I couldn’t help but overhear the other team talking, seems there is a civil war brewing.” Yeller says. “What do you mean?” Bo questions. “Different factions in the team. You’ve got Daisy and Claire forming their own little alliance, then you’ve got Dun Dun, Chimney Man, and Leafy Fan forming an alliance of their own, then you’ve got Cop all by his lonesome.” Yeller says. “That could make thing significantly easier for us, if the other team is so busy fighting each other that they forget to fight us.” Bo notes. “Exactly!” Yeller says. “Except they aren’t fighting us today!” Grandma points out. “That doesn’t mean they won’t be fighting each other.” Yeller says.

In another section of the woods, Claire, Daisy, Dun Dun, Leafy Fan, Chimney Man, and Cop are standing around. “I think the first order of business is getting our hands on some fire wood.” Daisy says. “Dun Dun, Chimney Guy, and Leafy Fan go get it.” Dun Dun says. “Do all three of you really need to go? Its just wood.” Daisy says. “What if one of us gets attacked? Then there will be two more of us there to go and get help!” Chimney Man says. “Unless you all get attacked and DIE! Then we’ll be down three teammates!” Daisy says. “Is that all you care about?! How many teammates you have left?!” Leafy Fan asks. “Um, YES!” Daisy shouts. “Oh…” Leafy Fan says. “Come friends, we no have to stay and listen to nonsense!” Dun Dun says, before walking off, followed by Chimney Man and Leafy Fan. “So now what? Those three clearly have their own little alliance going on!” Claire points out. “I guess we’ll just have to do something about that.” Daisy says. “If you’re thinking of sabotaging them, my answer to that is a hard NO! You and I teamed up so that we could steer the team in the right direction, that doesn’t mean getting them voted off!” Claire says. “Well what do you propose we do if they try to get US voted off?!” Daisy asks. “Oh come on, that’s stupid! They aren’t going to do that, they’d be sabotaging themselves! I’m pretty sure they have more sense than that.” Claire says.

Dun Dun, Chimney Man, and Leafy Fan are walking through the woods. “We must find way to get rid of Blaire and Tulip.” Dun Dun says. “You mean, like, get them voted off?” Leafy Fan asks. “That’s a splendid idea!” Chimney Man says. “They too big of problem! They must be remove!” Dun Dun says. “Especially Tulip, she can be so mean sometimes.” Chimney Man says. “But won’t that hurt our team?” Leafy Fan asks. “Sacrifice need be made for good greater!” Dun Dun says. “Uh huh, I see…” Chimney Man says. Leafy Fan smiles. “That’s okay! As long as Leafy is still here, I don’t care who goes!” Leafy Fan says. “So how do we get rid of them?” Chimney Man wonders. “Dun Dun have idea!” Dun Dun says.

Elsewhere, Disk drops a bunch of firewood on Yeller’s foot. “OW! What was that for?!” Yeller asks. “For not helping me lug it back here you lazy, stick figured piece of crap!” Disk snaps. “Hey! No reason to drag my weight into this!” Yeller tells him. “What on earth are you talking about? You ARE a stick figure!” Disk points out. “Gentlemen, gentlemen! Please do not fight. Surely you don’t want us to end up like the other team…” Bo says. “No, I guess not…” Yeller says. “You’re still a stick figure.” Disk says. Yeller screams and lunges at Disk.

“Where are those three with the fire wood?!” Daisy wonders. “Maybe they’re plotting our demise.” Claire suggests. “Oh my goodness, you’re probably right!” Daisy says. “I was joking…” Claire notes. Cop walks over to them. “Hey ladies, got a sec?” Cop asks. “For you? Never.” Daisy answers. “But this is important! I know you two are in an alliance, and I know that the other three probably have their own alliance!” Cop says. “Alliances? I haven’t noticed any alliances, have you Daisy?” Claire asks. “Be quiet! I’m trying to think about how are going to handle the other three’s alliance.” Daisy says. “Anyways...I’m here to offer my services.” Cop says. “For what?” Claire asks. “Your alliance, you dumb...I mean, you lovely person. Chimney Man, Dun Dun, and Leafy Fan is three people, you and Daisy are only two. You need my help to even the odds!” Cop says. “So you want to join our hypothetical alliance?” Claire asks. “Yes!” Cop says. “NO! No cops!” Daisy snaps. “But I’m not a cop! I’m a corrupt cop! Doesn’t that count for anything?!” Cop asks. Suddenly, a pair of stick figure arms rise from behind a bush. “BoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO! I am ghost, come to haunt Rose and Blaire! BoOoOoOoOoOoOoO! They better go back to camp or they die! BoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO!” The “ghost” says. “We know its you Dun Dun!” Claire says. “No it not! Stop lying!” The “ghost” says. “Are they buying it Dun Dun?” Leafy Fan can be heard asking. “Quiet! Dun Dun trying to haunt!” Dun Dun snaps. “I’m hungry, can we go for some burgers after this?” Chimney Man can be heard asking. “Dun Dun surrounded by IDIOTS!” Dun Dun yells. The bush stands up, three pairs of legs can be seen under it, and the bush runs away. “That was weird…” Daisy says. “That’s because they’re weird.” Claire says. “You think we’ve seen the last of that ghost?” Cop questions.

Yeller, Bo, Grandma, and Disk are sitting around a fire when the bush runs by them. “Was that...a bush?” Yeller asks. “Oh great, he’s hallucinating things now.” Disk says. “I swear I saw a bush run by!” Yeller says. “Sure grandma.” Disk says. “I’m grandma! He’s grandson!” Grandma yells. “Well EXCUSE ME Princess!” Disk says. “DON’T CALL ME A PRINCESS!” Grandma yells, before slapping Disk upside the head. “Ow! What was that for?” Disk asks. “Shhhh! Everyone listen!” Yeller urges. Everyone shuts up and growling can be heard. “Do you think maybe its the bush?” Yeller questions. “No, its not the bush!” Disk says. “Perhaps it is another one of Sam’s robots, like the loch ness monster Man-Shark was in control of last episode!” Bo suggests. Someone taps on Bo’s shoulder. Bo looks and sees Yeller, Grandma, and Disk are sitting in front of him. “Um, I don’t suppose any of you quickly snuck behind me and tapped on my shoulder, did you?” Bo asks. They all shake their head. Bo slowly turns around and sees a bear standing behind him! The bear roars and Bo screams. Yeller, Disk, and Bo all run away and the bear begins chasing after them. As the bear chases them, he stops in his track when he finds Grandma standing in front of him. “And just where do you think you’re going?!” Grandma asks. “Mother, run! Its far too dangerous!” Bo tells her. “Oh be quiet you big wuss! The grownups are talking over here!” Grandma snaps. “Is she talking about her and the bear?” Yeller asks. “Now listen here Yogi, this right here is our turf and we don’t like being ambushed! Now you be a good little cub and walk away while you still got the chance or I MAKE you walk away! Its your choice!” Grandma tells him. The bear attempts to punch Grandma, but Grandma ducks and then punches him in the stomach! The bear falls over, Grandma picks him up by his ear, and then tosses him deep into the woods! “He won’t be bothering us again for a minute.” Grandma says. “Mother, how the devil were you not scared?” Bo wonders. “I’ve taken on lions back in the day, that bear was like nothing!” Grandma says. “That is one feisty granny.” Disk says. Grandma slaps Disk upside the head. “DON’T CALL ME A GRANNY!” Grandma yells.

In another part of the woods, Daisy is shivering. “Its starting to get really cold out here and those buffoons are too busy playing around to grab our fire wood! Maybe we should start huddling for warmth.” Daisy suggests. “Touch me and die.” Claire says. “Hey! Threatening to kill another person is a crime!” Cop says. “I’ll let you guest star in my next makeup tutorial if you look the other way.” Claire says. “Oooooh, okay!” Cop says. “Can we apply that to the actual murder too? If I did kill her, I’d really like to get away with it.” Claire says. “That’ll cost extra!” Cop says. “Whatever, we’ll work out the deets later.” Claire says. “I’m standing right here! And what happened to our alliance?” Daisy asks. “Relax! This is for when the alliance is over!” Claire says. A rock flies through the air and hits Daisy in the head. “Ow! WHO DID THAT?!?!” Daisy questions. “It ghost, stupid!” Dun Dun can be heard saying. “What should we throw next?” Leafy Fan can be heard asking. “Dun Dun have idea.” Dun Dun can be heard saying. “Hey! Put me down!” Chimney Man yells. Chimney Man flies at them, Daisy and Claire move out of the way and Chimney Man crashes into Cop! Cop throws Chimney Man off of him. “Do you mind?!” Cop asks. “It wasn’t me, it was the ghost! Must be a poltergeist!” Chimney Man says. “BoOoOoOoOoOoO!” Dun Dun can be heard saying from the bush. Claire rolls her eyes. Suddenly, the bear from earlier lands on top of Cop! “Is that a BEAR?! YOU THREW A FREAKING BEAR AT US?!” Claire asks. Dun Dun and Leafy Fan come out of the bush. “That no us! Er...Dun Dun mean that no ghost! It no us either!” Dun Dun says. The bear gets off of Cop, who is knocked out, and turns towards the others. “Uh...we should probably run.” Claire says. “What for? This is obviously another one of Sam’s tricks, just like that loch ness monster robot he had Man-Shark piloting!” Daisy says. Daisy walks up to the bear. “Hm, you don’t look big enough for Man-Shark to fit inside. Maybe you’re an intern, or MAYBE you’re being controlled remotely.” Daisy suggests. The bear roars at Daisy, grabs her ankle, and begins slamming her into the ground repeatedly! “Screw this, I’m running!” Claire says, before running away, followed by Chimney Man and Leafy Fan. Dun Dun walks over to the bear as he is attacking Daisy. “Hey stupid! Where Dun Dun turn? She want to do that too!” Dun Dun states. The bear stops briefly and glares at Dun Dun. “Never mind. Dun Dun leave bear to do his thing.” Dun Dun says, before walking away. The bear goes back to slamming Daisy into the ground.

Claire, Leafy Fan, Chimney Man, and Dun Dun arrive back at the camp, where Sam is waiting. “Looks like we’ve got our first quitters! Too bad, so sad. So where are Cop and Daisy?” Sam asks. “Cop is knocked out, Daisy is either knocked out or dead.” Claire says. “I see, so technically neither one of them are able to continue on.” Sam says. Claire nervously laughs. “Did I say knocked out? Silly me! They’re taking a power nap! I’m sure they’ll be waking up any second now, refreshed and ready to take on the world!” Claire lies. “Unfortunately that would be one second too late. You see, sleeping was prohibited in this challenge.” Sam says. “What happened to there not being any rules?!” Claire questions. “It really depends on the day. But today, with you four being back here and Cop and Daisy being unable to continue, that means the Overbearing Producers win the challenge!” Sam announces. “Great! Just great! This all Blaire fault!” Dun Dun snaps. “My fault? At least Daisy, Cop, and I were trying to do the challenge! You, Chimney Man, and Leafy Fan spent the entire night trying to scare us back to the camp so that we’d lose!” Claire points out. “That not true, that was ghost!” Dun Dun claims. “Sorry to interrupt, but shouldn’t someone be going to help Cop and Daisy?” Leafy Fan asks. “I’ll send someone for them, if I remember.” Sam says. “Take your time Pam, there no rush.” Dun Dun says. “Its Sam…” Sam says.

Sam is standing on the dock of the island. “And that concludes the latest episode! With the Devious Divas losing this week’s challenge, that means the contestants on the chopping block are Claire, Daisy, Cop, Dun Dun, Leafy Fan, and Chimney Man. Which one of them will go home? And will Cop and Daisy even be well enough to continue competing? Find out as we return to the film lot in the next episode of Total...Yeller...Mania...Director’s Cut!” Sam says.