S1 Episode 01: Undercover Mayhem

In a small house located in the suburbs, Lauren is sitting on the sofa, reading a book. Claire comes into the room, sits next to her, and turns on the TV. "Do you mind? I'm kinda trying to focus on this." Lauren says, as she points at the book. "I know, but what fun is that for me?" Claire asks. Claire looks at the title of Lauren's book. "Oh, I know that one! The murderer is the son's cousin's best friend's sister's baby." Claire says. Lauren's eyes widen, and she then slams the book shut in anger. "Thanks..." Lauren sarcastically says. "Hey, you didn't miss much. Its a crappy book, anyway. I gave it an 8/10 on Amazon." Claire says. "You just said it was crappy!" Lauren notes. "Did I? I LOVE that book!" Claire says. Lauren rolls her eyes. Claire changes the channel on the TV, and sees Sam on a game show. "Today, we are offering the biggest prize of the year! Whoever wins our show today will be gifted with a whopping ONE roll of toilet paper! One roll! That should give our contestants the motivation they need to win!" Sam says. "Do we know him from somewhere?" Claire asks. "No." Lauren responds. "Huh. Must be another life or another universe or something. Anyways, I can't believe we've come to the point where toilet paper is considered more valuable than freaking money!" Claire yells. "I mean, the world is kinda dying, so..." Lauren says. "If the world is going to die, why not buy something less stupid than toilet paper? A new outfit, maybe!" Claire suggests. "When are they gonna wear it when they can't go anywhere?" Lauren asks. "What, just because you are stuck in the house, that means its okay to wear ugly clothes?" Claire asks. Lauren's phone begins to ring. "I need to take this." Lauren says. "Who is it?" Claire asks. "Nobody important." Lauren says. "WPA business?" Claire asks. "No it isn't." Lauren says. "It totally is!" Claire says. "Its not! I'm gonna take this in the study." Lauren says. "You mean the study that's hidden behind the bookshelf, that I'm not allowed in? A.K.A, your spy room?" Claire asks. "Its not called...never mind. I'll be right back!" Lauren says, before moving the bookshelf, and entering a passageway behind it.

Lauren enters a secret room, turns on a large TV screen, and Peter Wilson appears on the screen. "Director Wilson." Lauren says. "Good evening, Agent Bates. I have an operation for you." Peter says. "Where to?" Lauren asks. "You don't have to go anywhere. The suspect is your neighbor." Peter says. Dun Dun's picture appears on the screen. "She calls herself Dun Dun." Peter says. "I know who she is. She steals my newspaper and then tries to sell it back to me." Lauren notes. "Oh, well...we've recently discovered that she is the head of an elusive criminal operation, designed to take advantage of the American people." Peter says. "She invented loot boxes?" Lauren asks. "No, she doesn't work at EA. I'm afraid her operation is far worse. Dun Dun is reportedly going store to store, buying all of the toilet paper and hand sanitizer, and then selling it on the dark web." Peter says. "Why not just sell it on Ebay or Wish like normal scalpers." Lauren says. "I fear she's not bright enough to realize that what she is doing is not actually illegal." Peter says. "So why are we going after her? Also, don't we have better things to be doing, like killing terrorists?" Lauren asks. "If that were the case, I wouldn't be asking you to do this, but all the terrorists have quarantined themselves. As such, we need to keep ourselves occupied SOMEHOW." Peter says. "One question. Why me?" Lauren asks. "You live near the suspect." Peter reminds her. "No, seriously. Why me?" Lauren repeats. "We put every agent's name into a hat, and we drew yours." Peter finally admits. Lauren sighs, and heads back into the living room.

Lauren rejoins Claire in the living room. "How did the not WPA business call go?" Claire asks. "I have to go hang out with Dun Dun." Lauren says. "Dun Dun? But you hate her! Just yesterday, you said that you wished she would walk in front of your gun while you're doing target practice in the back yard! And last week, when that really big bus drove by, you said you wished its brakes would fail and it would fly into Dun Dun's living room!" Claire recalls. "Yeah...I was wrong. She's great. She's just super." Lauren dryly says. Claire squints her eyes. "What's going on here?" Claire asks. "Dun Dun is my very good friend. We have a lot in common. For example, we both...um...we do....we like...we both have two eyebrows." Lauren says. "Hmmm....sounds reasonable. Me and the girls at the beauty parlor bond over our eyebrows all the time." Claire says. "Great. Can I go now?" Lauren asks. "Can I come, too?" Claire asks. "What? Why? You hate Dun Dun." Lauren notes. "I wanna bond over eyebrows, too!" Claire says. "Yeah, cool, but....Dun Dun hates your eyebrows." Lauren claims. "What?!" Claire asks. "She says they look fake." Lauren claims. "That bitch! The only thing fake in this neighborhood are her checks!" Claire yells. "I'll pass it along." Lauren says, before leaving. "Wait a minute...Dun Dun doesn't even have eyebrows!" Claire realizes.

At House of Dun, Lauren walks up to the front door, and knocks. The door opens, Lauren looks down, and sees Dun Dun. "What you want?" Dun Dun asks. "Can I come in?" Lauren asks. "You too late. Dun Dun already sell your newspaper to Hog the Dog." Dun Dun says. "I'm not here about the newspaper." Lauren says, as she holds up a roll of toilet paper. Dun Dun's eyes widen. "Where you get that?!" Dun Dun asks. "The store." Lauren responds. "Impossible!" Dun Dun gasps. "Why's that?" Lauren asks. "Uh...Dun Dun just hearing lots and lots of rumors about people buying toilet paper and selling toilet paper. Dun Dun not on internet using username 'vampireknightbestanime' to sell toilet paper or hand sanitizer! Honest! Dun Dun no criminal!" Dun Dun lies. "Cut the crap, and cut me in. There's more toilet paper where this came from, you just need to cut me in on the profits, and its all yours." Lauren says. "Hm...Dun Dun no know. She very careful about who she do business with. She only work with the best people." Dun Dun claims. Dun Dun's phone rings, and she answer. "What, Pearl? Dun Dun BUSY!...You donated Dun Dun's fake money to CHARITY?!...Great, just great! Well Dun Dun see you in hell, Pearl!" Dun Dun yells, before hanging up. Dun Dun turns towards Lauren. "Come. If you wish to join forces with Team Dun, you must interview." Dun Dun says. "I'm giving you an interview?" Lauren asks. "NO! DUN DUN interviewing LAUREN! That one strike! Two more, and you FIRED!" Dun Dun yells.

Claire is pacing in her living room. "Lauren has been at Dun Dun's for sixteen minutes, what's taking her so long?...Wait a minute, its not possible that...no, Lauren would never!...Or would she?...Could...could she and Dun Dun be having an affair?!" Claire wonders. Claire picks up Lauren's book, and throws it! "I know that little troll was going to end up stealing something of value from me one day! She's stolen my Lauren! I better get over there and put a stop to their shenanigans!" Claire says, before walking out.

Dun Dun and Lauren are sitting on the floor in her living room. "Where's the furniture?" Lauren asks. "Furniture? Who you think Dun Dun is? Bill Gates? She no have money for furniture!" Dun Dun says. "Riiiiight." Lauren says. "So, Lauren, you have criminal record?" Dun Dun asks. "No." Lauren responds. "That two strikes!" Dun Dun yells. "Huh?" Lauren asks. "In order to work with Dun Dun, you must have been arrested at least once!" Dun Dun yells. "What if I told you that the only reason I don't have a criminal record is because I've never been caught?" Lauren asks. "Maybe you not as beneath Dun Dun as she thought." Dun Dun says. Claire walks in, and Dun Dun grabs a baseball bat! "Jeez!" Claire yells. "What you business here?!" Dun Dun asks. "I'm here to see Lauren, dumb ass! Lauren, sweetheart, what's taking so long?" Claire asks. "Who this?" Dun Dun asks Lauren. "We've been your neighbors for how long, and you don't know who she is?" Lauren asks. Claire sits on the floor next to Lauren. "What are you doing here?" Lauren asks. "I told you, I came to see you!" Claire says. "I know, but I kinda came here to hang out with Dun Dun alone. Because that's what friends sometimes do." Lauren says. "We no friends, we partners!" Dun Dun says. Claire gasps. "I knew it!" Claire yells. "What are you talking about?" Lauren asks. "I thought I could trust you, Lauren! I thought I could count on you! More importantly, I thought that I would never lose you because no one besides me can stand your super edgy attitude! I-I was wrong." Claire cries. "Why are you crying? Is it the pollen?" Lauren asks. "Lose my number!" Claire screams. "We live together." Lauren notes. "Then I'll have your stuff waiting for you on the sidewalk!" Claire yells. "The house is in my name." Lauren points out. "It won't be after the divorce!" Claire says, before sticking her tongue out. "We aren't even married." Lauren reminds Claire. "And we never will be! Good BYE!" Claire yells, before storming out. "Well...that was weird." Lauren notes. "Never mind drama queen! We have business deal to go over!" Dun Dun yells. "I don't know, I kinda think I should..." Lauren is interrupted, when Claire comes back into the room. Claire holds her phone in front of Lauren's face, and Lauren sees an ad for a bunch of guns on ebay. "I don't get it...you were mad at me, but now you're buying me guns?" Lauren asks. Claire shakes her head. "Are you recommending the guns to me?" Lauren asks. Claire shakes her head. "Can you tell me what the hell I'm looking at then?" Lauren asks. Claire shakes her head. "Why not?" Lauren asks. Claire mouths something. "I don't read lips." Lauren says. "She say she no talking to you." Dun Dun reveals. "Yeah, I've got that. But what's this about the guns?" Lauren asks. "Oh for God's sake! They're yours, and I'm selling them! That'll teach you for cheating on me!" Claire yells.
"Cheating on you? What are you talking about?" Lauren asks. "Don't even try and deny it! The signs are all there! This sudden affection you have for Dun Dun! Her clarifying that the two of you aren't friends, but partners!" Claire says. "Wait...not only do you think I'm cheating, you think I'm cheating with DUN DUN?" Lauren asks. "That ludicrous! Dun Dun have higher standards than HER!" Dun Dun argues. "Aw, look, the little homewrecker is trying to cover for you!" Claire says. "Homewrecker? How dare you say such awful thing about Dun Dun! She demand apology!" Dun Dun says. "Drop dead!" Claire snaps. "Dun Dun NO accept your apology!" Dun Dun yells. "Clearly, there's been a misunderstanding. Yes, Dun Dun and I are partners, IN BUSINESS. There is nothing romantic going on! I don't date stick figures." Lauren says. "You just jealous because Dun Dun no fat like you!" Dun Dun says. "Nice try, Lauren! But you and Dun Dun can't be business partners! You work for the WPA! Remember them? World Protective Agency? A group of people that fight bad guys, bust up criminal operations..." Claire notes. Dun Dun's eyes widen. "She WHAT?!" Dun Dun asks. "She's...uh...she's kidding." Lauren lies. "You couldn't even be bothered to tell Dun Dun where you work? Are you honest with anyone?!" Claire asks. Dun Dun points at Lauren. "You betray Dun Dun!" Dun Dun screams. "Wait, did she cheat on you, too? You know, we could totally start a club, or maybe a Facebook page, where we drag Lauren's name through the mud! No, scratch that...we'll start a Twitter page! And we'll have an Instagram where we post photoshopped pictures of Lauren doing horrible things, like jay walking! That'll teach her." Claire says. "For God's sake, Claire! I'm not cheating on anyone! The only person I am with is you, and I could never cheat on you because I could never see myself with anybody besides you!" Lauren blurts out. "Aw, that's the sweetest thing you ever said to me!" Claire says. "Yeah, can we just...not think about it, anymore? It can be one of those things that happened, but, we just don't...talk about it." Lauren says. "Anything for you! Wait, if you weren't cheating with Dun Dun, why were you here?" Claire asks. "She's hoarding toilet paper and hand sanitizer. The WPA wants me to bring her down." Lauren says. "Ooooooooohhhhh! You were UNDERCOVER!" Claire realizes. "Uh huh." Lauren says. "Crap, I'm sorry! Um, I'll let you get back to that, you know, whenever Dun Dun comes back." Claire says. Lauren's eyes widen, she turns, and she sees Dun Dun is gone! "Oh crap." Lauren says.
Lauren and Claire enter a room in House of Dun, and they find Dun Dun standing next to a giant stash of toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Dun Dun smiles, and pulls out a match. "Put it down, Dun Dun. You don't wanna do this." Lauren says. "Put it up, Dun Dun. You do wanna do this." Dun Dun says. "What are you, five?!" Claire asks. "YES!" Dun Dun responds. "We can work something out! Is it money you want?" Lauren asks. "Dun Dun no negotiate with liars! She hate them!" Dun Dun states. "I guess self awareness really is dead." Claire says. "QUIET!" Dun Dun yells, as her hands begin to shake. "Okay, maybe leave negotiating to the professionals. Just a thought." Lauren tells Claire. Lauren turns towards Dun Dun. "How about I give you $5,000, in exchange for the product?" Lauren asks. "No deal, cheapskate! Dun Dun Daddy said she was gonna make YUUUUUUUUGE money off this!" Dun Dun notes. "You're not gonna make any money if you destroy all of that." Lauren says. "Dun Dun no gonna make any money if she in jail, either! Dun Dun no believe how she was lied to! Taken advantage of! Manipulated! Only Dun Dun allowed to do all of that!" Dun Dun yells. "If you won't spare your product for me, then do it for the rest of the world. Its a nasty place right now, Dun Dun. So many people need toilet paper and hand sanitizer, but they can't get it because the stores are all sold out. I know there's a heart inside you somewhere, telling you to do the right thing. Listen to that voice, Dun Dun. We believe in you." Lauren says. "We do?" Claire asks. Lauren stomps on Claire's foot. "We do!" Claire exclaims. The camera focuses in on Dun Dun's eyes, who is clearly contemplating. Dun Dun then lights the match, and throws it onto the toilet paper and hand sanitizer. "Well frig." Lauren says. "You never gonna catch Dun Dun! She too smart of criminal!" Dun Dun says, before jumping out the window. "She does know that this is her house, right? Or that there's no evidence implicating her anymore?" Claire asks. "I don't know. I just wanna go home." Lauren says.

Back at Lauren and Claire's house, Lauren joins Claire in the living room. "Well, I was just fired." Lauren says. "Because of the virus?" Claire asks. "No, because I blew the Dun Dun operation. Can't wait for word to spread. "Gee Lauren, why were you fired?" "Well Mary, I couldn't catch a freaking toilet paper scalper!" Lauren complains, as she sits on the couch. Claire puts her hand on Lauren's shoulder. "Aw, I'm sorry I ruined things for you. If I wasn't an idiot and assumed you were hooking up with Dun Dun, you'd still have a job." Claire says. "Its not entirely your fault. I probably should've told you what I was doing, instead of being so secretive." Lauren says. "Being secretive is kinda part of your job description." Claire notes. "WAS part of my job description. Even so, I shouldn't have been keeping secrets from you." Lauren says. "So, you aren't mad?" Claire asks. "Well, I wouldn't go THAT far..." Lauren says. "Come on! I said I was sorry!" Claire says. "Where's my gun collection?" Lauren asks. "Um, yeah...about that..." Claire says. "What the hell did you do?" Lauren asks. "You know that ad I posted? Well, by the time I showed it to you, I had already...sold the guns." Claire admits. "...What?" Lauren asks. "Its okay! We can get them back...probably...maybe." Claire says. "Who did you sell them to?" Lauren asks.

At the Goo Castle, Rebecca is sitting with Ava, as Ava unwraps a present. When Ava finishes, its revealed to be Lauren's weapon stash! "A bunch of guns, just for me?" Ava asks. "You're never too young to learn to defend yourself, sweetheart!" Rebecca says. "Can I try one?" Ava asks. "Is that even a question? SURE you can!" Rebecca responds. Ava picks up an assault rifle, and fires a shot. A scream is heard a moment later. "I hit Daddy!" Ava exclaims. "YOU MONSTER! Uh...I mean, its okay, sweetheart. Let me go take care of Daddy's booboo real quick." Rebecca says, before running off screen. "Somebody, PLEASE! Call 911! Andy was shot in the head!" Rebecca can be heard yelling.