Episode 07: Hey Alexa!

*Sam is sitting inside the control room. “Previously, on Total Yeller Mania Battle! I decided to shake things up for the last episode, so I sent ManShark into the game to hunt the contestants. It didn’t take long before ManShark killed Davey, but I think that was more because of luck than skill. ManShark also managed to take out Ray and Laura, but he got his butt handed to him twice, first by Yeller, then by Lauren. Meanwhile, Mun Mun discovered the elusive Area 551, while trying to evade ManShark. Despite remembering my warnings about going in, Mun Mun forced Kooky to explore the dangerous area. Because of their stupidity, Kooky went boom, and got eliminated from the game. With Davey, Ray, Laura, and Kooky gone, 24 players are left! Who will be the next to get shot? Find out, in an all new thrilling episode of Total...Yeller...Mania...BATTLE!” Sam says.

*In Insane Jungle, The Pebbles are staying inside of a hut. Yeller and Andy are playing Monopoly, while Eugene is on his computer. “I hate this game. It goes on forever, and never ends! How long have we been playing? Four, five hours?” Yeller asks. “Forty five minutes.” Andy answers. “Forty two minutes, if you wish to be precise.” Eugene corrects him. “What are you up to, anyway? You’ve been playing on that laptop all morning.” Andy notes. “Its nothing of significance.” Eugene claims. “I’ll be the judge of that.” Yeller says. Yeller walks over to Eugene, and looks at his computer. “What am I looking at here?! Some kind of foreign language?” Yeller asks. “In most cultures, it is referred to simply as “computer code.” Eugene says. “I don’t understand any of it.” Yeller says. Eugene sighs. “Allow me to break it down for you. In order to gain a better understanding of the world we currently inhabit, I have been attempting to breach its code.” Eugene says. “Have you succeeded?” Andy asks. “I have. It didn’t give me any clarification, however, I did discover a slight crack in the system’s armor.” Eugene says. “What is it?” Andy asks. “Its nothing.” Eugene claims. “He’s lying. Its DEFINITELY something.” Yeller says. “Come on, Eugene, we are all a team.” Andy notes. Eugene sighs. “I have discovered a way to gain admin access in the world.” Eugene reveals. “What does that do?” Andy asks. “I think the better question would be what doesn’t it do!” Eugene says. “Can you give us examples of what it DOES do?” Yeller asks. “For one, it would allow us to see anywhere in the world that we desire, from this very computer screen.” Eugene says. “So we could spy on other players?” Yeller asks. “I suppose.” Eugene says. “Great, do it then!” Yeller says. “I’m afraid its not quite that simple, Mr. Yeller.” Eugene says. “Why not?” Yeller asks. “Morally, it would be wrong! It would give us an unfair advantage over the other players, being able to spy on them every hour of every day! Don’t you want to win the right way?” Eugene asks. “No, I just wanna win.” Yeller says. Eugene closes his laptop. “I’m not hacking into the world.” Eugene sternly says. “Oh come on! You just said you were gonna hack into the code or whatever!” Yeller says. “That was different! I just wanted to familiarize myself with the world through the code!” Eugene says. “That’s still cheating!” Yeller says. “Maybe so, but it is far different than using the program to unfairly spy on the other players, so that we will know where to strike. Tell me, if someone from another team were to do what it is you are suggesting, and they used that advantage to target you, would you not have a problem with it? Of course not! You would be the first to cry foul!” Eugene says. “The other teams don’t have this advantage, we do!” Yeller notes. “No, we don’t, because I have no intention of giving ourselves that kind of power, and given your limited intelligence, I very much doubt you would be able to give us that power, either.” Eugene says. “Attention contestants! It is now 9 AM! Let the murders BEGIN!” Sam says. “Would you look at that, it sounds as if we have other business to attend to.” Eugene says. “You’re hacking into this world.” Yeller says. “No I’m not.” Eugene says. “Yes you are!” Yeller says. “Am not!” Eugene argues. “Am TOO!” Yeller argues. “Am NOT!” Eugene argues.

*Tom Nook hangs a cross and a stick of garlic up on the front of his shop, as Alonzo watches. “What are you doing?” Alonzo asks. “Trying to keep Da Suits away from my shop! Maybe, if they come in contact with this cross and this garlic, they will turn to dust!” Tom Nook suggests. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen.” Alonzo says. “Well you always have been a pessimist, Alonzo! In fact, maybe you aren’t just a pessimist, maybe you are an insider as well!” Tom Nook suggests. “What?” Alonzo asks. “Don’t try and pretend as if you don’t know what I’m talking about! You know exactly what I’m talking about, oh yes yes! You are working with Da Suits! You have to be! Why else would you have let Dylan live after your previous confrontation?” Tom Nook asks. “Because we ran out of time?” Alonzo asks. “Poor excuse! Someone like you should’ve been able to figure out a way to kill him without breaking the rules! No, I’ve got your number! You are one of THEM!” Tom Nook yells. “I’m not going to defend myself to you. Its not worth my time.” Alonzo says. Alonzo begins to walk away, but Tom Nook chases after him. “GET BACK HERE!” Tom Nook screams. Tom Nook jumps on Alonzo’s back, and begins to punch him, and bite him, but Alonzo doesn’t feel anything, and keeps walking. “At least have the decency to look at me when I am trying to kill you, you SWINE!” Tom Nook yells. Alonzo picks Tom Nook off of him, using just one hand, and tosses him into the bushes. Tom Nook jumps out of the bushes, and puts his fists up. “You wanna play tough, huh? Come on! Put em up! PUT EM UP!” Tom Nook yells. “Can we get back to the game?” Alonzo asks. “Why? So you can send our coordinates to Da Suits?” Tom Nook asks. “I’m not working with Da Suits.” Alonzo says. “I don’t believe you! You are no better than that Doctor Skass guy! The only difference is that he mostly failed! Because of your alliance with the other team, we lost THREE TEAM MATES!” Tom Nook yells. “Or maybe they were just incompetent.” Alonzo says. “How dare you! Diamond and Pearl were the most competent people I knew! And Disk, oh my, what a player! He was going to make it to the top two, until you and your friends intervened! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU SWINE! YOU RED HEADED BEAST! YOU TRAITOR! YOU-” Before Tom Nook can finish, Alonzo punches him, and knocks him out.

*In a familiar looking room. Dave is standing at the front of the room, while the rest of the Chimney Sweepers are seated at desks. “Welcome everyone, to the first class on chimneys! Now, can someone please tell me what a chimney is?” Dave asks. Puppy raises his hand. “Puppy!” Dave calls out. Puppy then begins barking. “English Puppy, ENGLISH! How the heck did you even get let into this country?!” Dave angrily asks. All of a sudden, Dave is hit in the head with a pencil. “WHO THREW THAT?!” Dave angrily asks. Dave scans the room, and then notices Jeannie looking nervous. “Jeannie! Stand up!” Dave yells. Jeannie stands up. “Yes?” Jeannie asks. “Did you throw that pencil?” Dave asks. “Maybe...” Jeannie answers. “Go sit in the corner!” Dave orders. “What?!” Jeannie asks. “And while you are there, I want you to draw me fifty pictures of chimneys, each of them unique!” Dave angrily tells her. “Are you serious?” Jeannie asks. “You are an artist, are you not? GO!” Dave yells. Jeannie then walks over to the corner. “Now who can tell me what a chimney is?! Someone answer me before I blow this room to bits, killing all of us!” Dave angrily orders. “Its a red box made out of bricks that Santa comes through at Christmas time!” Tat shouts. “Wrong answer!” Dave yells. “It sounded correct to me.” Pecky notes. “Shut up before I toss you in the oven!” Dave tells Pecky. All of a sudden, the door opens, and The Gentlemens walk in. “I’m so pleased that the grocery store wasn’t too busy, its usually a night-” Before Bo can finish, he notices Chimney Sweepers. “What the devil are you doing in our hideout?!” Bo angrily asks. “What the devil are you doing in our classroom?!” Dave angrily asks. “Bo dear boy! Is that you?” Pecky asks. “Oh ho! Hello Pecky! Lovely to see you, as always! I am absolutely thrilled that you are still in the game!” Bo beams. “As I am for you, dear friend! As I am for you!” Pecky says. “Uh, Bo, as much as I love small talk, shouldn’t we be running?” Justine asks. “Quiet, Justine! I am attempting to catch up with an old friend!” Bo says. “Enough chit chat! Everybody, KILL THEM!” Dave orders. Tat, Pecky, and Puppy begin approaching Bo, Justine, and R.J. “WAIT!” Dave yells. “What is it?” Tat asks. Dave turns towards Jeannie. “What are you doing?!” Dave asks. “Sitting in the corner, like you told me to do!” Jeannie notes. “GET OUT OF THE CORNER AND KILL!” Dave orders. Jeannie sighs, and begins walking towards The Gentlemens. “Now might be a good time to run.” R.J notes. “I fear you may be right! EVACUATE!” Bo yells. The Gentlemens then run out, and The Chimney Sweepers begin chasing after them.

*At a store in Central City, Lauren is sitting in a chair, clearly annoyed. “Are you almost done yet?” Lauren asks. “Almost!” Claire can be heard yelling. “I’ve heard that before.” Lauren says, under her breath. Claire then comes out of the changing room, wearing a pink dress. “How do I look?” Claire asks. “You look fine, Claire.” Lauren tells her. “JUST fine?” Claire asks. “Okay, you do remember that this is just a virtual world, and that you aren’t going to be bringing this dress back to the real world with you, right?” Lauren asks. “Yes, of course I remember! But am I not allowed to look my best in this world?” Claire asks. Lauren sighs. “Just do you, whatever that is.” Lauren says. “Its not this dress, I’ll tell you that much. I don’t think I look good in this shade of pink.” Claire says. “Then why did you bother asking me what I thought if you didn’t like it in the first place?” Lauren asks. “Because as someone who is around me 24/7, your opinion matters.” Claire says. “You aren’t ugly in that dress. Can we go now?” Lauren asks. “I don’t know, I’m just not comfortable in this dress. That’s fine though, I still have seven more to try on.” Claire says, before going back into the changing room. “Kill me now.” Lauren says. Lauren’s head turns towards Leafy Fan, who is in the electronics section. “Can you hear me?” Leafy Fan asks. “Hello, how can I help you today?” Amazon’s Alexa asks. “Oh my leafy! IT SPOKE TO ME!” Leafy Fan exclaims. Leafy Fan turns towards Lauren. “Did you hear that? It spoke to me! The object actually spoke to me! It really IS a new era!” Leafy Fan yells. Lauren rolls her eyes.

*Cop and Queen Goo are hiding inside their castle, in medieval town, standing by the fireplace. “Who knew that this part of the world had so many blizzards?!” A shivering Cop asks. “We don’t even have heat!” Queen Goo notes. “At least this fire is still going.” Cop says. A strong wind comes through the room, and puts the fire out. “The fire went out! I guess we’ll have to cuddle to stay warm.” Queen Goo tells Cop. “No, no, no, NO!” Cop yells. Queen Goo then pulls Cop into a bear hug.

*Mun Mun is walking through Pointy Canyon. “You know, our lives went downhill the moment we lost our car!” Marik says. “Dun Dun remember good old days, when Dun Dun and friends riding in style. Now, they force to...walk in style.” Dun Dun cries. “What do you want me to file?” Grandma asks. “Style! She said style you friggen old woman!” Marik yells. “Don’t give me no lip, young man! I’ve been putting people like you across my knee for over three hundred years now!” Grandma yells. “Three hundred? And here I thought it was more like seven hundred!” Marik says. “You wanna go, sonny?” Grandma asks. “Lets do it, old woman!” Marik says. Grandma holds up her cane, and Marik holds up the millennium rod. Grandma turns towards Dun Dun. “Isn’t this the part where you break up the fight before anyone gets hurt?” Grandma asks. “What do Dun Dun look like, a referral?” Dun Dun asks. “Do you mean referee?” Marik asks. “Dun Dun no that, either.” Dun Dun says. Grandma then jumps at Marik. “Wait, no! I wasn’t ready-” Before Marik can finish, Grandma begins beating him with her cane!

*Da Suits are walking through Scorching Desert, with Michael sitting on Vito’s shoulders. “Man, it sure is a hot day for a walk!” Michael says. “You should try it sometime.” Dylan remarks. “Da heck you just say to me?” Michael asks. “You are forcing poor Vito to carry you.” Dylan notes. “I don’t hear Vito complaining!” Michael notes. “That’s because Vito cant talk!” Dylan argues. “Vito can too talk! He just don’t do it to anyone but me! Ain’t dat right, Vito?” Michael asks. Vito nods. “So where exactly are we going?” Dylan asks. “Wherever dat flake Tom Nook is hiding! We already took out three members of his crew, I wanna take out da last two!” Michael says. “That might be kinda hard. That Alonzo guy is actually pretty competent.” Dylan notes. “Den we kill him first, so dat Tom Nook will go runnin off with his tail in between his legs!” Michael says. “Again, killing Alonzo won’t be as easy as you make it sound. We need a strategy.” Dylan says. “We have a strategy...kill dem both!” Michael says. Dylan sighs. All of a sudden, Vito passes out from the heat and from carrying Michael, and collapses. “Vito?” Michael asks, as Vito lies unresponsive.

*At Low Class Waterfront, The gentlemens come out of a back alley. “I think we finally lost them.” R.J says. “Well now where the devil are we suppose to go? The Chimney Sweepers stole our base of operations!” Bo notes. “Why don’t we just stay here?” Justine asks. “No, no, I heard some rumblings that this very location is territory of Da Suits, and the last thing our team needs is a mob kingpin coming after us! I’m afraid we’ll have to find another location to hide in. Either that, or merely camp out in the woods.” Bo says. “Well that doesn’t sound too bad.” Justine notes. “Not too bad? Are you familiar with what creatures wander the night, or how threatening and ferocious they can be?! I have absolutely NO intention of camping out, so that I may be a sitting duck for whatever beast manages to locate us first!” Bo says. “Well, you ARE the boss.” Justine notes. “Unfortunately.” R.J says. “Oh? Do you believe you would make a better leader than I?” Bo asks. “I hate to brag, but I made it to the final two, once.” R.J recalls. “Ah yes, the time you lost to a dog. We have been over this an exhausting amount of times, you are not as skilled as you believe!” Bo says. “Perhaps you’re right, but I’m pretty certain that I am more skilled than you are.” R.J says. “That, dear boy, is open to debate.” Bo says. “I don’t agree.” R.J says. “Okay, guys, why don’t we keep walking before this ends up turning into a fist fight?” Justine asks. “As if I would ever resort to such gang like tactics!” Bo says. “But I would?” R.J asks. “You could try, but it wouldn’t get you very far.” Bo says. Bo and R.J continue to argue, as Justine sighs.

*In the department store, Claire now has Lauren standing in front of a mirror, wearing a dress, while clearly looking miserable. “What do you think?” Claire asks. “First, I’m not your life sized barbie doll.” Lauren says. “I know that, but what do you think of the dress?” Claire asks. “I hate wearing dresses.” Lauren notes. “That doesn’t answer the question.” Claire points out. Lauren sighs. “I like the color.” Lauren says. “Its black.” Claire notes. “I like that color.” Lauren says. “Well, I think you look pretty!” Claire says. “I’d take that as a compliment if I wanted to look pretty. Are we finished here?” Lauren asks. “You are buying the dress, right?” Claire asks. “No.” Lauren answers. “Come on! You look good in it!” Claire says. “I don’t want it!” Lauren says. “Are you kidding me? It took me FOREVER to pick that out for you! Please, just hang onto it.” Claire says. Lauren notices Claire giving her a sad look. Lauren sighs. “Fine, but you’re buying it.” Lauren says. “Fine with me.” Claire says. “Where’s Leafy Freak? Lets collect her so we can get out of here.” Lauren says. “Cant we just tie her to a pole out front and leave her?” Claire asks. “I wish, but we need the extra firepower. Yo Leaf!” Lauren calls out. Claire and Lauren then both notice that Leafy Fan is still in the electronic section. “Alexa, what is a leaf?” Leafy Fan asks. “According to the dictionary, a flattened structure of a higher plant, typically green and bladelike, that is attached to a stem directly or via a stalk. Leaves are the main organs of photosynthesis and transpiration.” Alexa says. Leafy Fan smiles. “We finally have a real inanimate friend that talks back to us, Leafy! Can you believe it?” Leafy Fan asks. Leafy just stares back at her. “She probably wouldn’t notice if we just left her here. Actually, she probably wouldn’t care, either.” Claire says. “I wouldn’t normally care either, but like I said, we need her.” Lauren says. Mun Mun walk in, and Dun Dun notices Leafy Fan in the electronic section. “Oh, hey Dun Dun! Guess what? There is an object that talks back to you after you talk to it! Isn’t that cool? Science is SO amazing!” Leafy Fan says. Dun Dun stares at Leafy Fan for a moment, before shooting her between the eyes! Leafy Fan drops the floor, despawns, and leaves nothing but Leafy behind. “Leafy Fan is out of the game, placing 24th!” Sam announces. “Shooter!” Lauren yells. She and Claire both pull out their guns, and point them at Mun Mun. At the same time, Mun Mun pull out their guns, and point them at Object Destroyers. “I’ll give you guys the option to surrender now, so I don’t have to violently wipe you off the map.” Lauren says. “Dun Dun no like ultimates.” Dun Dun says. “Ultimatums.” Grandma whispers to Dun Dun. “Oh, right.” Dun Dun responds. “I have an idea! How about you lovely folks put your guns down, so we can all just get along?” Marik asks. “Not happening. This is your last chance before I blow you to kingdom come.” Lauren says. “I’d listen to her, she means business.” Claire says. Grandma turns her head towards Marik and Dun Dun. “Go after the blond, she’s the weakest.” Grandma says. “Hey wait a second! I’m not blond! My hair is light brown!” Claire argues. “Now isn’t the best time to be arguing about your hair color.” Lauren tells her. “Sorry.” Claire apologizes. “Shoot them bits down.” Grandma coldly orders. Dun Dun, Marik, and Grandma then begin to fire at Claire and Lauren! Lauren and Claire duck behind a display counter. “What do we do?” Claire asks. “We shoot back.” Lauren responds. “I know you’ve been giving me lessons and all that, but there’s no way I’m good enough to survive a shootout!” Claire claims. “Don’t worry, these guys are idiots. We shot their tires out, remember?” Lauren asks. “THAT WAS YOU?!” Marik can be heard yelling. “Don’t worry about that moron and the midget. The old woman looks like she knows what she’s doing, though. Leave her to me.” Lauren says. “What about cover?” Claire asks. “You cant stay in the same spot forever. If you think its time to go, GO!” Lauren tells her. “Okay, sounds easy enough.” Claire says. “Yeah?” Lauren asks. “Not really, but I’ll survive...hopefully.” Claire says. “On three. One...two...three.” Lauren says. Lauren and Claire come up from behind the display counter, and begin shooting at Mun Mun. “Dun Dun play enough Call of Duty to know how to use gun gun!” Dun Dun says. Dun Dun is then forced to duck when a bullet nearly hits her! “Who shoot that?!” Dun Dun angrily asks. “That was one of your bullets, shootin back at you!” Grandma yells. “WHAT. BUT DUN DUN GOOD AT THIS GAME!” Dun Dun yells. Lauren is firing shots at Grandma, who is now doing back flips through the store, avoiding every shot. Finally, a bullet hits Grandma, and she drops to the ground! “Grandma no!” Dun Dun yells. “Avenge me, my friends!” Grandma cries, before despawning. “Grandma is out of the competition, and has placed 23rd!” Sam announces. “Now that she’s gone, the other two should be a piece of cake.” Lauren says. “I’ll move to a different spot so I can try and get a clear shot.” Claire says. Claire begins to run towards another spot for cover. However, Marik notices, and fires a shot at her! Claire is shot in the leg, and falls to the ground. “Crap!” Lauren yells. “Oh my Winged Dragon of Ra, I actually shot someone!” Marik beams. “Good job, Marik! We good at this game!” Dun Dun claims. “We are! Who need that old woman, anyway? She was dragging us down! Mun Mun is much stronger when the two most competent players are allowed to shine! Those being you and I, of course.” Marik says. While Dun Dun and Marik are chatting, Lauren goes to fire shots at them. However, before she does, she glances towards the floor, and notices that Claire is still alive! However, Claire is still in the open, for Dun Dun and Marik to finish off, once they are finished congratulating each other. Lauren looks between Claire, and Mun Mun, wondering whether or not she should save Claire or try to kill Mun Mun. Ultimately, Lauren runs over to Claire’s side. “Are you awake?” Lauren asks. “Barely.” Claire responds. “Can you walk?” Lauren asks. “I can limp.” Claire notes. “I’ll help you. Put your arm around me.” Lauren says. Claire throws her around around Lauren, and Lauren helps her stand up. The two then begin to walk off. “Where are we suppose to go? Mun Mun are right in front of the door!” Claire notes. “I noticed a backdoor when we came in. We should be able to get out through there.” Lauren says. Lauren continues to walk Claire towards the backdoor, but then Mun Mun notices them leaving. “Hey, wait a minute! Where do you think you are going? We are suppose to kill you!” Marik yells. “Yeah! How dare you try to leave!” Dun Dun yells. Lauren pushes a clothes rack in Dun Dun and Marik’s direction, which spooks them! “Oh my Ra, the clothes rack is alive!” Marik screams. “RUN!” Dun Dun yells. Marik and Dun Dun begin running from the clothes rack, as Lauren sneaks Claire out the back door. Once they are out, they walk over to the street. “That thing is only going to keep them distracted for about ten minutes, you know. What do we do, then?” Claire asks. “All we need is two to get out of here.” Lauren says. “Are you going to teleport us?” Claire asks. Lauren elbows the window of a car, and smashes it! “Sure, steal a car that doesn’t belong to us, cause why not?” Claire sarcastically asks. Lauren opens the back door, and puts Claire in the backseat. “Just lay down, I’ll bandage you up when we get back to Pointy Canyon.” Lauren says. “Thanks...I owe you.” Claire says. “And one day, I’m probably gonna collect.” Lauren says. Lauren gets in the front seat, and then manages to hotwire the car in just a minute. Once she is finished, she turns the car on, and they speed off.

*Cop and Queen Goo are now buried under four feet of snow, inside the castle, with their heads barely visible. “Attention contestants, it is now six o’clock, which means the game has officially concluded for the day! I know, it stinks, but its the way it has to be! Have a nice day!” Sam says.

*Sam is now in the control room. “Well, that was a little slow, only TWO people died! Sigh...anyway, with Leafy Fan and Grandma both gone, 22 people are left in the game, which means almost half of the cast is gone! Who will bite the dust next? Find out in the next exciting episode of Total...Yeller...Mania...BATTLE!” Sam says.

*Meanwhile, Dun Dun and Marik are backing away from the clothes rack, slowly. “If we don’t make any sudden movements, it won’t kill us.” Marik says. A breeze passes through the store, and the clothes rack moves slightly. Marik and Dun Dun both scream in horror.