Episode 03: Spilled Blood

*Sam is sitting in the control room, in front of the monitors. “Welcome back, viewers, to another thrilling episode of Total Yeller Mania Battle! Let me give you guys a recap of what went down the last time. First, Tom Nook, on behalf of Loan Sharks, approached Da Suits, and tried to form an alliance. However, Da Suits weren’t interested in teaming up, which didn’t make Tom Nook a very happy camper. Meanwhile, Doctor Skass’ diabolical plan was revealed, that he chose Leafy Fan for his team because he planned on undermining her from the very beginning. Sabotaging your own team is a special kind of insanity, especially when you are competing in a game where the prize is one million dollars, but then again, Doctor Skass was never very sane to begin with. Anyway, after wandering the globe, looking for another team to do his dirty work for him, Doctor Skass finally formed an alliance with SWAT team. They then formulated a plan, where Doctor Skass would lead his team down to Unstable Mines, where SWAT Team would be waiting for them. Once he brought his team into the trap, SWAT Team and Object Destroyers did battle, with Doctor Skass being absent for most of the festivities. During the battle, both Fishy and Abner were hit, leading to their respective game overs, and with Doctor Skass helping the other team, Object Destroyers realized that they were outnumbered, and out gunned, so they decided to run away. Doctor Skass was naturally angry that Leafy Fan walked away unscathed, so he confronted SWAT team over a job not well done. How did they react to his criticism? Queen Goo shot him, thus kicking Doctor Skass out of the competition, meaning that his entire plan was a bust, since Leafy Fan is still in the game, and he is the one who got the boot. With Fishy, Abner, and Doctor Skass gone, 37 people remain! Who will be killed next? Who will survive? Find out in this all new episode, of Total...Yeller...Mania...BATTLE!” Sam says.

In Peaceful Forest, Tom Nook comes out of his shop, which has been built in the middle of nowhere. Tom Nook yawns, and then stretches. “What a beautiful morning, hm?” Tom Nook says. Tom Nook turns around to face his shop, and his eyes bug out. “NO! IT CANT BE!” Tom Nook yells. Disk, Diamond, and Pearl come running out. “Mr. Nook, what happened?!” Pearl asks. “My beautiful shop...it has been vandalized!” Tom Nook announces. Diamond, Pearl, and Disk look up, and see that ‘Nook’s Cranny’ has a red cross over it, and has been replaced with ‘Da Suits’ Cranny’. Pearl gasps. “Who would do such a thing?!” A clueless Pearl asks. “Who? Its written right there in big red letters, you fool!” Tom Nook yells. “You’ve gotta admit, that is some nice graffiti.” Diamond says. “That’s it! I demand a team meeting! Where on earth is Alonzo?!” Tom Nook angrily asks. “When you screamed, he grumbled something in that edgy voice of his, and then went back to sleep.” Diamond says. “And you allowed him to do that?!” Tom Nook asks. “The guy sleeps with an assault rifle! I wasn’t gonna give him orders!” Diamond says. “Besides, why did we wake up for this? I thought we were under attack or something. This is stupid.” Disk says. “Our home is vandalized, and you think it is stupid?! Why did I ever choose you as a teammate?!” Tom Nook angrily asks. “Because you wanted to bore me to death?” Disk asks. Tom Nook angrily charges at Disk, but Diamond and Pearl hold him back. “Tom Nook! Your blood pressure!” Pearl tells him. “I’m...I’m sorry, Pearl. I don’t know what came over me, no, no.” Tom Nook says. Diamond hands him a paper bag, and Tom Nook begins to breathe into it. “Better?” Diamond asks. “Better.” Tom Nook confirms. Tom Nook then throws the paper bag on the ground. “But, we MUST figure out a way to retaliate! I will not allow Michael and his crew to make a move onto MY territory! I tried to give him a peace treaty, but now...I’m going to give him a WAR!” Tom Nook announces. “You tell him, Tommy!” Diamond says. “Yeah! Show him who’s boss! We’ll help, too!” Pearl says. “Thank you, friends. I appreciate the help. Yes, yes.” Tom Nook says. “Attention, contestants! It is now nine o’clock, meaning that until six o’clock, you can shoot whoever you want! Happy hunting!” Sam says. The door to the shop swings open, and Alonzo comes out, holding his assault rifle. “Alonzo, old buddy...are you alright?” Tom Nook asks. “Fine. I’m ready to take down our enemies.” Alonzo says. “See that, Disk? That right there is the sort of attitude YOU should have!” Tom Nook says. “I don’t care.” Disk responds, before walking away from Tom Nook.

*The gentlemens are walking through Rotting Cemetery. “Dude, why are we looking for another base? We had a rad pad up at Pointy Canyon, dude!” Rafe notes. “Unfortunately, Rafe, having a “rad pad” isn’t quite enough. We don’t know what that Doctor Skass fellow told his teammates. For all we know, he could’ve given them our location after we turned down his offer, and before he was eliminated.” Bo says. “Bo has a good point. We need to be extremely careful, if we wanna stay in the game.” Justine says. “Beauty, and brains.” R.J says. “Nice try, buddy, but you aren’t going to get me.” Justine says. “I don’t follow.” R.J says. “You flirt with me, then you manipulate me...no, not happening. Go find someone else stupid enough to fall for you.” Justine says. “He’s already done this routine with nearly every female, none of them will believe him anymore.” Bo says. “That’s not true! I still have my touch!” R.J claims. Justine turns, and finds Creepy Guy creepily staring at her. “Can...I help you with something?” Justine asks. Creepy Guy gets closer. “Get away from me, you FREAK!” Justine says, as she pushes Creepy Guy away! Creepy Guy then falls into an open grave! “Oh dear!” A concerned Bo says. Bo, Justine, R.J, and Rafe all rush to the grave. “Is he still alive?” R.J asks. “Is it horrible of me to hope he isn’t?” Justine asks. “Wait a moment...this isn’t a grave!” Bo realizes. “You’re right! There is some kind of staircase in this so called grave!” Justine announces. “Cool! I wonder where it goes!” Rafe says. “Only one way to find out. We have to go in.” R.J says. The Gentlemens climb into the grave, and proceed down the staircase. When they reach the bottom, they find Creepy Guy lying on the floor in a dark room. “By golly, it appears we’ve found a secret room!” Bo realizes. “And if I hadn’t pushed Creepy Guy into this grave, it wouldn’t have been possible!” Justine notes. “Nicely done, dear girl!” Bo praises her. “You know, we were looking for a new base, why not remain here? Its definitely secluded, and even we only found it by accident!” R.J notes. “Excellent idea! Very well, I hear by declare this property of The Gentlemens!” Bo announces. “Now that we’ve claimed this place, maybe we should get back into the game.” R.J suggests. “We cant. We don’t have proper weapons.” Bo notes. Creepy Guy then comes over, and hands each of them a pistol. “Where the devil did you get these?!” Bo asks. Creepy Guy points at an open chest. “A secluded room with a buried treasure? Could we be anymore lucky?” Bo asks. “Now that we are sufficiently armed, can we go out and eliminate the competition?” R.J asks. “So bloodthirsty, young man, aren’t you?” Bo asks. “You have to be to get ahead in this game.” Justine says. “I wasn’t aware you were so determined to win!” Bo notes. “My brother might’ve lost...but I have no plans on doing that just yet. We need to take some lives. The less competition we have, the more of a chance we have at winning.” Justine says. “Fair point. In that case, off we go, on a mysterious yet exciting adventure!” Bo says, as he leads his team out of the secret room.

*Mun Mun are now traveling through Unstable Mines. “What a lovely place! This reminds me of my home back in Egypt!” Marik notes. “It reminds me of that tunnel I dug a while back.” Kooky says. “You were a miner?” Cherry asks. “No, I’m talking about when I busted outta prison. Those were some good times. I gotta tell you, it ain’t easy breaking out of a super max prison, but it was worth it, in the end. [CENSORED] CIA is still looking for me.” Kooky says. “They actually arrested you? I tried to take over the world, and kill a bunch of people, but I didn’t go to jail because I said I was sorry!” Marik says. “Dun Dun no go to jail because Dun Dun too smart for police.” Dun Dun says, as she walks off a ledge! “OH NO DUN DUN!” Dun Dun screams, as she falls. “I’ll save you, Dun Dun!” Marik yells. Marik catches Dun Dun’s hand, but then falls off the ledge with her! “Darn kids, not watching where they are going!” Grandma complains, before grabbing Marik’s hand. Grandma then pulls Marik and Dun Dun up, before they can fall into the hole. “Dun Dun knew there hole their! She just letting everyone else know!” Dun Dun says. “What a selfless lady!” Marik says. Cherry sighs.

*On top of Pointy Canyon, Object Destroyers are going through a treasure chest that they found. Lauren pulls out a sniper. “Nice. I love this model.” Lauren says. “It looks like any other sniper.” Claire notes. “Guess you have to be around them to actually know the difference. See, this model holds a lot of bullets, and fires at a pretty quick rate. Its always been a personal choice of mine, whenever I was in the field.” Lauren says. “Were you in the military?” Claire asks. “WPA.” Lauren tells her. “Ah...I have friends that were in the WPA.” Claire notes. “They work in the field?” Lauren asks. “They worked close to home.” Claire says. “Amateurs. When I was with the agency, I participated in missions in almost every country this planet has, probably plenty that your friends have never even heard of.” Lauren says. “You didn’t mind the traveling?” Claire asks. “I enjoyed it. Best part of the job though was killing the bad guys, but not before making them back for mercy.” Lauren says. “Okay...I’m gonna go check on Leafy Fan.” Claire says. Claire walks over to Leafy Fan. “How’s it going?” Claire asks. “I’m putting Leafy down for her nap time!” Leafy Fan says. “The leaf has a nap time?” Claire asks. “She isn’t just a leaf! She is a living creature, and it would hurt her feelings if she heard you call her “the leaf!” Leafy Fan says. “Okay, I won’t!” Claire says. Claire then walks back over to Lauren. “You have a nice chat?” Lauren asks. “That girl is crazier than a serial killer!” Claire notes. “Maybe, but we need that girl, since we are down two teammates.” Lauren says. “We wouldn’t be, if Skass hadn’t turned on us!” Claire says. “What Skass did was pretty crappy, and if he were still here, I’d probably blow his head off, even if it is against the rules, but he isn’t still here. Its just you, me, and the wacko over there. So for right now, we need to focus on staying alive, instead of holding grudges.” Lauren says. “At least now, we don’t need to worry about any teammates double crossing us. Leafy Fan might be nuts, but she seems relatively harmless, and you don’t seem like the type to turn on your team.” Claire notes. “Back at the WPA, double crossing your people would be considered a crime, and you’d probably end up spending the rest of your life in jail, so I know better than to turn on my own people. Do you?” Lauren asks. “I don’t have any reason to toss you or the escaped asylum patient under the bus, so you don’t have to worry about me.” Claire says. “Then we shouldn’t have a problem, then.” Lauren says. Leafy Fan runs over to Lauren and Claire. “Look guys! I drew a smile on Leafy’s face!” Leafy Fan says. Claire and Lauren exchange a weirded out look.

*Michael and Vito are standing on the docks, at Low Class Waterfront. “Look at dat, Vito! Everyting da light touches is my territory!” Michael says. Vito pats Michael on the back. The two then hear arguing coming from inside the warehouse. “What da heck is goin on?” Michael wonders. Michael and Vito run inside, and find Hog and Fake Luigi arguing, while each pulling the arm of a teddy bear, and Dylan standing in between them. “It was my teddy bear! I sleep with him every night!” Fake Luigi yells. “Well I bought him!” Hog argues. “That’s a lie! I found him in a dumpster!” Fake Luigi claims. “ENOUGH!” Michael yells. Hog and Fake Luigi immediately stop what they are doing. “Now what do you guys tink your doin? Fighting over a teddy bear like dat! Have you forgotten dat we are a team?” Michael asks. “He started it!” Fake Luigi claims. “No! Its not true! It CANT be!” Hog yells. “Michael...DO SOMETHING! These two have been fighting over a freaking teddy bear since sunrise!” Dylan complains. “Guys, guys, come on! I know dat it a cute teddy bear and all dat, but is it really worth da loss of each other’s friendships?” Michael asks. “The heck are you talking about? We were never friends!” Hog notes. “I say we just leave them to the wolves, and go off on our own. They are a lost cause.” Dylan says. “Hey now! We don’t do dat to our teammates! Who do you take me for? Doctor Skass?” Michael asks. Dylan shrugs. “Alright, listen up, men! Da fighting stops NOW! We’ve got work to do! Now we already accomplished some stuff by vandalizing dat flake Tom Nook’s shop, but dat ain’t enough! We gotta try and win da game, too! To do dat, we gotta get along! Am I clear on dat?” Michael asks. “Yes.” Hog and Fake Lugi both say. “Excellent. Now lets get out dere and go take some lives!” Michael says.

*In Medieval Town, SWAT team walks up to the castle. “Cop darling, we HAVE to hide there! I am a queen, that is the castle, we are the perfect match!” Queen Goo claims. “That means this team has two queens!” Laura says. Ray looks around. “Really? Cause I only see one.” Ray says. “Aw, honey.” Laura says. “I was talking about the real queen, Laura!” Ray tells her. Laura rolls her eyes. “You are a terrible husband, you know! When was the last time you actually complimented me?” Laura asks. “Our first date, back in the stone age.” Ray says. “You know, my Cop is the same exact way. I cant REMEMBER the last time he gave me a compliment, but I think he’s just playing hard to get.” Queen Goo says. “That makes it sound like I actually want you to get me.” Cop says. “Don’t pretend, darling. You love me, more than anything!” Queen Goo says, before pulling Cop into a passionate kiss! Ray and Laura watch them, and then Laura slaps Ray upside the head. “What?!” Ray asks. “How come your never that passionate with me, Ray?” Laura asks. “Maybe if you looked as good as Cop does, I would be.” Ray says. “Very nice! So you’d rather be with another man than your own wife?!” Laura asks. “Look at me, Laura. I’d rather be with a bear than my own wife.” Ray tells her. “I don’t need your compliments, anyway! Plenty of people still find me attractive. You should see the looks they give me.” Laura says. “The only people who look at you like that are the patients at the nursing home you walk by everyday.” Ray says.

*In Insane Jungle, The Pebbles are backing up, when faced with a rattlesnake. “He isn’t going away. What are we suppose to do?!” Yeller asks. “When faced with a rattlesnake, the best course of action is to back away, very slowly. Rattlesnakes generally try to avoid human contact, so with any luck, it will realize that we are not a threat, and leave us be. Just please, no one make any sort of sudden movements.” Eugene says. “We’ll be CAREFUL!” Sally Good Rock yells. Eugene turns towards Sally Good Rock, with his eyes wide. “You fool.” Eugene coldly says to her. The snake lunges at Sally Good Rock, but Davey dives in front of her! The snake then bites Davey, before slithering off into the jungle. “Poor Davey! He gave his life to save a member of his team! What...what a soldier.” Andy cries. “Hold off on the tears for just a moment, Detective. I think Davey is going to be just fine.” Eugene says. “But he’s dead!” Yeller points out. “If he were dead, he would’ve despawned, and Sam would’ve made an announcement by now. Davey is still very much alive, and I have reason to believe that he will remain that way.” Eugene says. “Why?” Andy asks. “Because Davey isn’t human like us, he is a rock, which leads me to believe that the venom from the snakebite will probably not have any effect on him.” Eugene says. Eugene turns towards Davey. “Davey, are you feeling alright?” Eugene asks. “I’m alive!” Davey exclaims. “You certainly are. Are you feeling any side effects from the snakebite?” Eugene asks. Davey shakes his head. “Very good. I have the upmost confidence that you are going to be just fine, Davey.” Eugene says. “Yay!” Davey says. “Looks like our team dodged a bullet! I’m glad we are out of danger.” Andy says. At that moment, a lion approaches the team. “It would appear you spoke too soon.” Eugene says.

*The Gentlemens are walking through Central City. “I don’t think walking through this particular location is the best idea.” Bo says. “Why not, dude?” Rafe asks. “Gee, I don’t know. Because it is more out in the open? Because we are more likely to get caught and eliminated? Something that I don’t believe a single one of us wants.” Bo says. “No, that’s not true. I think the creepy guy wants it.” Justine says, as Creepy Guy is just staring at her. “Justine, dear girl, are you mad? If anyone is likely to survive the competition, it is our good friend Creepy Guy! Just look at him! He intimidates even the best of us! If anyone is going to win this competition, it is Creepy Guy! He is the best of the be-” Before Bo can finish, Creepy Guy is shot in between the eyes, and drops to the ground! “You were saying?” R.J asks. “And Creepy Guy is out of the game, placing 37th!” Sam announces. Bo looks up, and sees Chimney Sweepers on a rooftop, with Dave holding a sniper! “There!” Bo calls out, as he points in the shooter’s direction. “Good shooting, Dave! Get another one!” Tat says. “Try to be gentle. Gunshots hurt, you know!” Jeannie notes, which Puppy nods to. Pecky looks over the edge of the building. “Pecky McPeckerton, dear boy, is that you?” Bo asks. “Bo! Old buddy, old pal! How many years has it been?” Pecky asks. “Far too many, old boy! You really should come by the house for supper, sometime, if you ever find yourself within the proximity of my home! I would absolutely love to have you!” Bo says. “That would be absolutely SMASHING! Once this horrid competition is over, we really should schedule a supper.” Pecky says. “Oh happy day, happy day!” Bo says. “Are you done shooting the breeze? Can I shoot them now?!” Dave asks. “Oh, yes, of course. Carry on.” Pecky says. “Take cover!” R.J yells. “Why not shoot back, man?” Rafe asks. “They are much higher than we are, we’ll miss!” R.J says. “The deviant is correct! We simply MUST retreat!” Bo yells. Bo, R.J, Justine, and Rafe then begin to run. Dave continues firing shots at them, but misses. Tat grows annoyed, and takes the gun from Dave. “Give me that! I’ll do it!” Tat snaps. Tat then fires a shot, and hits Rafe in the back! “Not very narly, dudes!” Rafe says, before dropping to the ground, and dying. “And Rafe places 36th!” Sam announces. “Keep going! No time to cry over spilled milk, or in this case, BLOOD!” Bo yells, as he, R.J, and Justine continue to run. Tat goes to fire another shot, but The Gentlemens disappear behind another building, before they can. “I lost them.” Tat announces. “At least we got two people.” Jeannie notes. “Two people?! We should’ve gotten the entire team! We would have if you hadn’t taken the gun from me!” Dave says. “You hitting Creepy Guy was a total fluke.” Tat notes. “Oh yeah? Well…your face is a total fluke!” Dave says. “Ooooooooh!” Pecky and Jeannie both say.

*Meanwhile, in Medieval Town, SWAT team is inside the castle, and are running down a long corridor. Every few feet, another trap activates, which includes arrows flying out of the walls or ceilings, spikes coming up from the floor, and trap doors opening in the door. Somehow, SWAT team manages to avoid all of them, but keeps frantically running down the hall. “I WANT MY MOMMY!” Cop screams. “I’m not your mother, darling, but I’m old enough to be! I’ll comfort you!” Queen Goo says. Cop begins to cry.

*In Peaceful Forest, Da Suits and Loan Sharks both come face to face with one another, and pull out their guns! “Just da man we were looking for.” Michael says. “Coincidence, I was about to say the same to you. You made a grave error by vandalizing my store, Michael. I gave you the opportunity to join forces with me, now, you will regret not doing so.” Tom Nook says. “You tell him, Tom!” Pearl says. “Yeah, you the man!” Diamond says. “Let me make something clear to you, pal. I don’t work with animals, and dat is what you are, LITERALLY!” Michael says. “I wish I could say you’d live to regret that choice...but I’d be lying. Good bye, Michael. Kill them.” Tom Nook orders his team. “You heard da man, kill them!” Michael orders his team. Before anyone can fire a shot, Sam’s voice is heard over the intercom. “Attention, contestants! It is now six o’clock, which means all gunfire must STOP right now! Have a horrible evening!” Sam says. “Looks like you got off lucky, hm?” Tom Nook says. “If dat aging wannabe gameshow host hadn’t interrupted, you’d be sleeping with da fishes right now, buddy. Be tankful dat Sam saved your bottom.” Michael says. “Until next time?” Tom Nook asks. “Until next time.” Michael says, as the teams walk in opposite directions.

*Sam is now sitting in the control room. “Wow, what an exciting day! With Creepy Guy and Rafe now out of the game, 35 contestants remain! Who will get the boot, or should I say the bullet, next? Find out in the next episode of Total...Yeller...Mania...BATTLE!” Sam says.