Episode 01: The Battle Begins!

*At the center of City Square, located in the large Central City, Sam parachutes into the water fountain. “A little help here!” Sam yells. ManShark walks over to him, and reluctantly pulls him out of the water. “Gee, don’t look so happy about saving a human life.” Sam sarcastically tells him. ManShark grumbles. Sam looks at the camera. “Snap, are we on the air?” Sam asks. ManShark nods. “Oops.” Sam says. Sam clears his throat. “Hello everyone, and welcome to another exciting season of Total Yeller Mania! I’m your friendly neighborhood host, Sam! No relation to Apocalypse Sam.” Sam says. Crickets can be heard. “What...did no one get the reference?” Sam asks. ManShark shakes his head. “Alright...moving on.” Sam says. Sam faces the camera again. “As you know, its been a few years since our last season...the last season that made it to air, anyway. That’s what makes this season extra special! Anyway, this season, we’ll be doing things slightly differently. For one, we aren’t on an island, not a real one, anyway. Also, lucky for me, this season is done in a way where I barely have to do any work! All I have to do is sit back, and watch the contestants do their thing! Though a lot of the mechanics of the game have changed for this season, the objective remains the same, in order to win, you’ve gotta be the last one standing. What do you win, you ask? Well, this will be a shock to no one, but the prize is ONE MILLION DOLLARS! I tried to get the network to dish out more, but they are too cheap.” Sam says. ManShark glares at Sam. “Okay, maybe I’M too cheap. Anyway, this season, there will be a lot more contestants than in previous seasons. You know how in the first Total Yeller Mania five years ago, we started with ten contestants? Well, the series is continuously evolving, because this time, we are gonna have a grand total of 40 CONTESTANTS fighting for the prize money! Lets meet those contestants, now! First up are our veterans, A.K.A, the competitors who we’ve tortured before!” Sam announces. Yeller, Cop, Dun Dun, Bo, Fishy, Pecky McPeckerton, Ray, Laura, Rafe, Kooky, Michael, Vito, R.J, Diamond, Pearl, Dylan, Andy, Queen Goo, Tat the Cat, Puppy, Sally Good Rock, and Creepy Guy all fly down from the sky, and land near Sam. Yeller stands up, and rubs his sore head. “What happened? The last thing I remember, I was watching TV, when someone threw a bag over my head.” Yeller says. “Dun Dun was robbing little girl’s lemonade stand!” Dun Dun says. Yeller then notices Sam, and screams. “Its you!” Yeller yells. “Miss me?” Sam asks. “Yeah, we missed you like a fungus, pal! Are you the guy who kidnapped us?” Fishy asks. “Kidnapped is such a terrible word, Fishy, especially when the supposed kidnapper is an old friend.” Sam says. “Why did you do it? What could you POSSIBLY want from us now?” Tat asks. “Wait, did you guys REALLY think I was done with you?” Sam asks. “We haven’t heard from you in a few years, we assumed you had either moved onto something else, or they finally locked you up.” R.J says. “Its been more than a few years for me, Dude! This guy hasn’t called me up for a new season in I don’t know HOW LONG!” Rafe says. “That’s because you suck and literally no one wanted you back, Rafe.” Sam says. “So then why the devil did you BRING him back?” Bo asks. “We needed 40 people for the roster, and as you can see, we had to scrape the bottom of the barrel.” Sam says. “I can see that.” Cop says, while looking at Queen Goo. “Dear sir, might I have the privilege of being able to quit?” Pecky asks. “Sorry pal, you don’t have that privilege. Maybe next season.” Sam says. “Oh no, I ain’t doing this [CENSORED] season, let alone another [CENSORED] season after that!” Kooky yells. “Why are you people being so hostile? I’m giving you a chance to win one million dollars!” Sam notes. “No thanks, I already won my million.” Dylan says. “Same here.” Yeller says. “I don’t need another million dollar prize.” Andy says. “I’m already rich.” Queen Goo notes. “Wow, you people are such downers. Good thing that the contracts you all signed when you originally joined are still active!” Sam says. Everybody sighs. “Moving on. Now that we’ve reintroduced our older cast members, lets introduce our NEW cast members! Cue the new guys!” Sam yells.
Leafy Fan, Abner, Justine, Lauren, Eugene, Cherry, Disk, Fake Luigi, Hog the Dog, Claire, Grandma, Jeannie, Alonzo, Davey, Doctor Skass, and Dave the Chimney Man all fall from the sky. “I’d like you to meet our new cast members.” Sam says. “Mother, why did you join?!” Bo asks. “Those naysayers said I belong in a nursing home, I’m here to prove all them wrong! I’m gonna kick butt, and walk away with a brief case full of cash! Granny is here to win!” Grandma announces. “Leafy Fan?” Yeller asks. “Leafy and I never do stuff together anymore, so I decided to join this competition! After all, it seems pretty harmless.” Leafy Fan says. “Doctor Bass, why you here?” Dun Dun asks. “Its SKASS, you moron, SKASS! And I’m here to make sure that SHE doesn’t win!” Skass says, while pointing at Leafy Fan. Dylan walks over to Claire. “Claire, didn’t think this kind of thing was your style.” Dylan says. “Its not, but who could say no to one million dollars?” Claire asks. “You’ll be singing a different tune after two days in this crappy game.” Dylan says. Fake Luigi spots Yeller nearby. “BOB!” Fake Luigi yells. “Huh?” Yeller asks. Fake Luigi pulls out a giant hammer, and starts swinging at Yeller! “What are you doing?!” Yeller asks. “Its payback time, Mr. Bald Man!” Fake Luigi yells, as Bo, Jeannie, and Andy try to hold him back. “My name isn’t Bob, or Mr. Bald Man! Its Yeller!” Yeller says. “Its true, dear boy! He is my son!” Bo says. “Oh...must’ve confused him with someone else.” Fake Luigi says. “Can we get a move on? This game is boring.” Disk says. “What are ya talking about? Two people almost got into a fist fight, you call that boring?” Hog asks. Disk looks Hog in the eye. “Yes.” Disk answers. “Okay, okay, I see your point.” Sam says. “Wait a moment, the online description for this particular season said that there would be 40 contestants. However, I’ve only counted 38.” Eugene notes. “Guess a few of the players are late to the party.” Lauren says. “They aren’t late, I just thought that the two of them needed a more special introduction.” Sam says. “Who is it? Taylor Swift?” Claire asks. “No. She won’t return any of my calls, so we gave up on getting her to play. Allow me to introduce you to Tom Nook and Marik Ishtar!” Sam announces. Tom Nook and Marik fall out of the sky, and land near the other contestants. Marik stands up. “Where the frig are we?” Marik asks. “I’ll get to that. Did you hurt your head? You are still able to play the game? You won’t sue, right?” Sam asks. “Sam, yes? Yes. Lovely to meet you. Can I have the prize money, now?” Tom asks. “Uh...that’s not how it works. See, you have to actually PLAY the game, and LAST, to actually win anything.” Sam says. “Then where is the fun?!” Tom asks. “There is no fun, just lots and lots of suffering!” Sam says. “Yes yes, there will be lots of suffering...YOURS!” Tom yells, before lunging at Sam. ManShark catches Tom, and throws him to the ground. Tom goes to attack again, but ManShark growls at him. “What is ManShark doing here?” Andy asks. “Oh yeah, he’s my new assistant. I found him on Craig’s List. Isn’t he cool?” Sam asks. “He tried to kill us before!” Andy points out. “I’m sure he’s turned over a new leaf, right Sharky?” Sam asks. ManShark shows his teeth to Sam. “Okay...moving on...” Sam says. “Great, now PLEASE tell us what we are doing here!” Yeller says. “We are competing in a contest!” Marik says. “Yes...I know that, but what is this season about?” Yeller asks. “Winning money!” Tom Nook says. “That’s not what I meant!” A frustrated Yeller says. “Simple. You see, you will all be competing in a giant gunfight, and the last person alive, wins!” Sam says. “Wins what, immunity?” Yeller asks. “Nope, the entire game!” Sam says. “Well, it seems as if this season will go by rather quickly.” Bo says. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that, Bo. Not only is the playing field HUGE, so it might be difficult to find other contestants, but you also have a time limit each day. The competition runs from 9AM to 6PM every day. Once the clock hits 6PM, there cant be anymore gunfire! At least, not until 9AM the next day.” Sam says. “And you really think that this will last more than three episodes?” Diamond asks. “That’s why I picked forty of you!” Sam says. “Question, if we get shot, won’t we die?” Pearl asks. “That’s kinda the point of the game.” Sam notes. “But I don’t wanna die!” Pearl says. “Wait a second, you think you’ll ACTUALLY die? Pearl, that’s impossible. Because none of this is real! We are in a virtual world!” Sam reveals. “You dropped us off in a virtual world?!” Yeller asks. “Would you rather do a fight to the death in the real world?” Sam asks. Yeller doesn’t respond. “Didn’t think so. Anyway, in order for this to work, I’m gonna split you guys into teams of five. Here’s how this is gonna work. ManShark is gonna have you pick a ticket out of a jar, if you get a green ticket, nothing happens, but if you get a red ticket, you become the captain of a team, which allows you to choose the team name, and choose four teammates.” Sam says. ManShark holds up the jar, and everyone picks a ticket.
“Okay, now that everyone has picked out of the jar, can the eight people who picked a red ticket please step forward?” Sam asks. Dave, Tom Nook, Michael, Dun Dun, Doctor Skass, Yeller, Cop, and Bo all step forward. “Great! Effective immediately, the eight of you are all now team captains! Dave, you get to pick your teammates first, and then choose your team name!” Sam says. Dave looks around, and immediately spots Pecky. “Oooh, turkey! I pick him!” Dave says. “Okay. Pecky, you are with Dave!” Sam says. Pecky walks over to Dave. “Dave, you still have to choose three other cast members to be your team members.” Sam notes. Dave points at Tat, then Jeannie, and then Puppy. “Tat, Jeannie, and Puppy, you three are with Dave and Pecky!” Sam tells them. The three of them walk over to Dave and Pecky. “Okay, so before you make any crazy decisions, how about we, as a team, come up with a team name?” Tat asks. “No need! I’ve already decided on one! Our team name shall be Chimney Sweepers!” Dave announces. Tat sighs. “Of course it is...” Tat says. “Tom Nook, you’re up next! Who do you want on your team?” Sam asks. Tom Nook evaluates the crowd intensely. “Come on, Nook, the fate of the world doesn’t depend on it.” Sam says. “Yes, yes, I know that, hmmm….” Tom says. Tom notices Diamond and Pearl waving their arms. “I pick those two, in the Halloween costumes!” Tom says. “Says the guy dressed as a raccoon.” Pearl says. “I am a Tanuki!” Tom corrects them. “Diamond, Pearl, you are with Tom Nook. Two more teammates, Tom.” Sam says, as Diamond and Pearl walk over to Tom. “Hmmm...I choose the disk, and the fellow with the long red hair.” Tom says. “Figures I’d get stuck with him.” Disk says. “Disk and Alonzo, congratulations! You guys are with Tom Nook! So Nook, what are you gonna name your team?” Sam asks. “I have put a great deal of thought into it, Sam, and I have chosen a name which defines me, as a person: Loan Sharks.” Tom reveals. “Cool! We like taking money from people and beating them up!” Diamond says. “You too?” Tom asks. “Enough of this love fest. Michael, you need to choose four teammates for your team.” Sam says. “First, I must make da obvious choice. Vito, come here!” Michael calls out. Vito runs over to Michael. “Vito da man, no team would be complete without him!” Michael says. “That’s nice...but you still need to choose three more teammates.” Sam says. “Lets see...I know dat Dylan guy is a capable guy, da guy in da green hat was ready to cut someone earlier when he went after Alexander, and I dunno, but dere is something REAL cool about dat Hog da Dog.” Michael says. “A cop being put on the same team as a mobster, what could go wrong?” Dylan sarcastically asks. “Alright. Its official then. Dylan, Fake Luigi, and Hog the Dog, you guys are with Michael and Vito.” Sam says. “As for da name of dis magnificent team, we will be called Da Suits!” Michael announces. “But not all of us are wearing suits!” Fake Luigi points out. “Not my fault dat most of you don’t have any fashion sense.” Michael says. “Dun Dun, your turn to pick a team, unfortunately.” Sam says. “Girlish looking man, Grandma, Ugly Clown, and Cherry.” Dun Dun chooses. “I might be girlish looking, but I’m more beautiful than any girl I’ve ever seen!” Marik claims. “Oh that Dun Dun, I can always count on her to choose right.” Grandma says. “Dun Dun, why didn’t you choose me and Leafy?” Leafy Fan asks. “Dun Dun was gonna, but then she decide to choose Cherry, in case we run out of food.” Dun Dun says. “Hey, wait a minute! I am NOT edible!” Cherry protests. “Sure you not.” Dun Dun says. “So, what will your “dream team” be called?” Sam asks. “Mun Mun.” Dun Dun says. “Mun Mun? That’s it?” Sam asks. “Mun Mun, because Dun Dun plan on winning the Mun Mun.” Dun Dun says. “Cant argue with that “flawless” logic. Doctor Skass, I hope you can do better.” Sam says. “I pick Leafy Fan.” Doctor Skass says. “ME? Wait...why? You hate me! You just said that you joined just to get me eliminated!” Leafy Fan points out. “I changed my mind.” Doctor Skass says. Leafy Fan stares at him for a moment, then smiles. “Okay, I believe you!” Leafy Fan says. Leafy Fan looks down at Leafy. “Look Leafy! We made a new friend!” Leafy Fan says. “Three more people, Skass.” Sam says. Skass then points at Abner, then Lauren, and then Claire. “Abner, Lauren, and Claire, you three are with Skass!” Sam announces. “Oh goodie. Just what I want. To be teamed up with a fake doctor.” Claire sarcastically says. “I hope you at least came up with a good team name.” Lauren says. “I did. We will be called...OBJECT DESTROYERS!” Skass yells. Leafy Fan lets out a terrified gasp. “No! This cant happen! I need to change teams! Someone, PLEASE!” Leafy Fan yells. “Sorry, no team changes, at least not this early in the game.” Sam says. Leafy Fan then drops to the ground, and holds herself in the fetal position. “Yeller, your next.” Sam says. “Sally Good Rock and that Davey the rock guy.” Yeller says. “Okay...that’s two people, but you need two more to make a team.” Sam says. Yeller canvases the remaining players. “Um...Andy is kinda cool, I guess. I’ll pick him and the nerd guy.” Yeller says. Andy joins Yeller, Sally Good Rock, and Davey, but “the nerd guy” doesn’t step forward. “What are you waiting for?!” Yeller asks, as he looks at Eugene. “Wait, you were referring to me? No, I’m afraid I’m not a nerd, simply an intellectual.” Eugene says. “Whatever, get over here.” Yeller says. Eugene runs over to Yeller’s team. “Our team name is The Pebbles!” Yeller says. “Lovely, what I always wanted, to be named after a rock.” Eugene sarcastically says. “Cop, its your turn!” Sam says. Cop looks around at everyone, and spots Queen Goo waving at him. “Oh heck no!” Cop says. Queen Goo crosses her arms, and puts on an angry face. “Four players...four players...” Cop says, as he looks around. “Well, since you are taking so long, I guess I’ll choose a player for you! Queen Goo, you’re with Cop!” Sam says. “No, you cant do that!” Cop yells. “Oops! Looks like I just did!” Sam says. Queen Goo walks over to Cop, and wraps her arm around him. Cop sighs. “I guess I choose Ray, Laura, and Fishy.” Cop says. “And your team name?” Sam asks. “SWAT team.” Cop answers. “Good name. Very original.” Sam sarcastically says. Sam turns towards Bo. “And last but not least, Bo! Looks like you are kinda in a pickle, buddy!” Sam says. “I’d say! How the devil am I suppose to choose teammates when there are only four people left to choose?!” Bo angrily asks. “You don’t, I guess! Looks like the hard part took care of itself for you! R.J, Creepy Guy, Rafe, and Justine, you are all with Bo!” Sam announces. The four of them sigh. “What? I am an excellent ally! Its not my fault I’m not nearly as ruthless as the rest of you!” Bo says. “So Bo, what do you plan on calling this team of yours?” Sam asks. “The Gentlemens.” Bo says. “But, I’m not a man! And I’m pretty sure Creepy Guy isn’t, either!” Justine says. “Leave it to Bo to come up with a team name almost as boring as he is! Now that the teams have been formed, lets move onto specifics!” Sam says.
“What more is there to discuss?” Lauren asks. “Locations! Here in the virtual world, there are eleven different locations, located all across the map! Speaking of which, here’s a copy for each team!” Sam says. Sam hands everybody a map.

*”As you can see, the locations are called Rotting Cemetery, Low Class Waterfront, Pointy Canyon, Central City, which is where we are, Peaceful Forest, Medieval Town, Area 551, Scorching Desert, Mutant Island, Insane Jungle, and Unstable Mines.” Sam says. “Dun Dun have question! What in Area 551?” Dun Dun asks. “All you need to know about Area 551 is that you should stay outside of it! Seriously, if you don’t, chances are, you’ll die, and lose your chance at the money. Not to say that every other area in the world doesn’t have its hazards, its just that Area 551 is the most hazardous.” Sam says. “So no going in Area 551?” Dun Dun asks. “No Dun Dun, no Area 551.” Sam says. “Question! Where do we sleep? I’d prefer an underground suite, if you have any available!” Marik says. “Excellent question, Marik! You see, I encourage each team to find a spot to camp out in during the off hours. After all, you don’t want to be walking around all night, right?” Sam asks. “Dun Dun have question!” Dun Dun says. “Of course you do...” Sam says. “What kind of gun do Dun Dun get to use?” Dun Dun asks. “Depends on what kind of gun you can find. They are scattered across the map. We’ve got pistols, snipers, machine guns, rifles, shotguns, even grenades!” Sam says. “So Dun Dun can blow up enemies?” Dun Dun asks. “Only if you can find the grenades.” Sam says. “Yay for Dun Dun! She gonna bomb Dan!” Dun Dun gleefully says. “Dan? There isn’t nobody named friggen Dan in this game!” Marik says. “Mind business, lady!” Dun Dun yells. “I’m a better looking woman than YOU!” Marik snaps. “Yes...fight! FIGHT! Let there be drama!” Sam says. Sam gets a call. “Hello?...Uh huh...Already? Ugh...fine!” Sam says, before hanging up. “Turns out, we don’t have enough time to do a match today, so it’ll have to wait until tomorrow, A.K.A, next episode. In the meantime, all of you should look for a place to hide out!” Sam says. All of the teams then run off into the distance. Sam turns towards the camera. “A new season of Total Yeller Mania has started, and things have never been so exciting! What do you think, guys? Who will live? Who will die? Who will ultimately kill Dun Dun? Find out next time, on Total...Yeller...Mania...BATTLE!” Sam says.