S1 Episode 03: America's Next Top Villain!

Claire is standing in the living room, on the phone. "Uh huh!...Thanks, bye." Claire says, before hanging up. "Who were you talking to?" A voice asks. Claire jumps, turns, and sees Lauren standing behind her. "Jeez! You should NOT sneak up on people like that!" Claire says. "I didn't sneak up on you, I came down the stairs." Lauren notes. "Well then you are really, REALLY quiet. Must've been all those years as a spy." Claire says. Lauren glares at her. "Right, sore subject, sorry. Speaking of which, I have great news!" Claire says. "Great news for me? Or great news for you?" Lauren asks. "Can't it be great news for both of us?" Claire asks. "I don't know, Claire. You and I have different views on what great news is." Lauren says. "Okay, get ready for this...you got a new job! Yay!" Claire says. "I haven't gotten any calls back from any of the ones I applied to." Lauren notes. "Well that's because I...sorta applied to this one for you." Claire says. "Claire..." Lauren scolds. "Don't react yet! I really think you're going to love this job!" Claire says. "Okay...I'm gonna trust your judgment for a sec since you love me, and you know me better than anyone else, which means you should know whether I would love something or not. So, what's the job?" Lauren asks. "You'll be working at a pet store!" Claire reveals. "I HATE it." Lauren admits. "Wow, no need to be such a Debbie Downer." Claire says. Lauren sighs. "Sorry...but seriously, why would you apply to a job for me without, you know, asking me?" Lauren asks. "Because I felt bad about the whole...you know..." Claire begins to say. "Getting me fired?" Lauren asks. "Yeah, that. I know that I really screwed things up for you, Lauren, which is why I wanted to try and fix things." Claire admits. Lauren sighs. "I'll give it a day. Who knows, maybe this job will actually surprise me." Lauren says. "That's the spirit! Anyway, you wanna sit down and watch some TV?" Claire asks. "Sure." Lauren responds. Lauren and Claire sit on the sofa, and turn on the TV. Katie Goo can be seen on the news. "In news that should surprise absolutely no one, local super villain The Master has been faced with yet another agonizing defeat at the hands of the greatest heroes to have ever heroed Dylan and Andy!" Katie says. "They fought The Master and they didn't call me? Those bastards!" Claire yells. "It all started when The Master attempted to rob a local bank. He had spent so much time talking the ears off of the tellers, that by the time Dylan and Andy arrived, he hadn't even gotten the chance to enter the vault! The Master was booked on charges of attempted robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, and disturbing the peace. However, he was released, on the condition that he will pay a $25 fine. A spokesperson for The Master has assured us that the super villain has learned his lesson, and will behave himself from now on. More news at 11." Katie says. "Five bucks says he doesn't behave himself." Lauren says. "I don't know, the statement sounded pretty sincere..." Claire notes. Lauren rolls her eyes.

Inside a tall sky scraper, The Master steps off of an elevator, and walks down a long corridor, whistling. The Master stops at a door, enters a conference room, and finds Katie Cat, Andre, Man-Shark, Wishbone, and Andropov all sitting around a conference table. "My apologies for the delay, I hope I'm not too late." The Master says. "No, your timing is puuuuuuuurfect." Katie Cat says, which Man-Shark rolls his eyes at. "Sit down." Andre orders. The Master sits at the other end of the table. "What is this meeting about?" The Master asks. "We heard about your recent encounter with the law. We here at the Exclusive Country Club of Super Villains are VERY disappointed with your performance!" Andre says. "I realize things did not go as planned. However, this was merely one instance." The Master says. "No, it wasn't. Failing seems to be a recurring theme with you." Andre says. "Of course you would say that, Andre! You've never cared much for me! By the way, your claim is exaggerated." The Master says. "Hm? Andropov, you have been keeping track of how many times The Master has failed. Would you be a dear and recount them for the group?" Andre asks. "Certainly!" Andropov says. Andropov stands up, and clears his throat. "The Master's failures! By Doctor Ilia Andropov! In the previous month, The Master failed to blow up Queen Goo's castle, he failed to murder Dylan Stanpatos and Andy Goo, he failed to kidnap Andy Goo's young daughter and then sell her to some random couple so they could raise her, he failed to cut down the tree in the common area of the King Beast Plaza, and more recently, he failed to rob a bank." Andropov reads. "How do you pleeeeeead to the accusations agaaaaainst you?" Katie Cat asks. "I don't plead anything because this is bloody nonsense!" The Master yells. Katie Cat begins to write something down. "What are you writing?" The Master asks. "That you admitted to everythiiiiiiiiiiing." Katie Cat says. "That's a lie!" The Master yells. "What did you expect? We are super villains, for God's sake!" Andre yells. "I can do better!" The Master claims. "Mr. Master, this is not about just performance issues. You are displaying a lack of originality in your more recent crimes! Robbing a bank? Inconceivable! We just don't do that sort of thing here!" Andre says. "What...what are you saying?" The Master asks. "Pack your bags...you are no longer a member of our club! We don't want to play with you anymore!" Andre growls. "Fine! I don't need your bloody club, anyway! Wait, does this affect my access to the tennis court and the golf course?" The Master asks. "Your access is deniiiiiiiiiiiiiiied." Katie Cat reveals. The Master dives across the table at Andre! "You son of a-" The Master screams, as he chokes Andre. "Man-Shark! MAN-SHARK!" Andre screams. Man-Shark pulls The Master off of Andre, and then throws The Master out the window! "What loser." Wishbone comments. "I'll arrange to have the locks chaaaaaaaanged." Katie Cat says.

Outside, The Master is lying in a dumpster. He finally manages to pull himself out. "I'll show them what a real super villain is! I will commit a crime so heinous, they will be begging me to return! Only I won't, because I am going to form my own super villain group, and make them jealous! That is what I will do! They will all kneel before me! All of them!" The Master yells. The Master is then knocked out when a desk lands on top of him! "Don't forget you crap, stupid!" Wishbone can be heard yelling.

The next day, Claire is at home, posing in front of a mirror. "Wow, this color really suits me...I look great!" Claire says. Lauren comes up behind her, in her new work uniform. "Aw, you look great, too! You're gonna rock this job." Claire says. "Yeah, I'm not too keen on the people aspect. Maybe I'd like the idea more if I didn't have to talk to anyone." Lauren says. "You'll do just fine! You have a GREAT personality!" Claire says. "Yeah, but literally everyone else doesn't." Lauren says. "Look, if it becomes too much, just imagine your customer in their underwear." Claire says. "How the hell is that going to help?" Lauren asks. "I don't know. I saw similar advice on TV, and I've been looking for a conversation to use it in." Claire says. "Well, I'm gonna get going." Lauren says. "I love you!" Claire says. "Yeah, love you, too." Lauren says, before walking out. Claire sits on the couch, and turns on the TV. Katie Goo is once again on the news. "A bit of chaos is currently being created on Main Street. Local super villain The Master has planted himself in the middle of the street, and is refusing to move! As most of you know, Main Street is the busiest street in Fantastic City, so The Master's interference is causing all sorts of delays for citizens across Fantastic!" Katie says.

The Master is sitting in the middle of the street, as cars beep at him. "Oh shut up! I am not moving, not an inch! If you people want me to move so badly, I suggest you phone your beloved "heroes" Dylan and Andy! Then, you can watch as I finally defeat them, once and for all! Do you hear me, Dylan and Andy? I am challenging the both of you to a duel! May I suggest that you proceed with caution, for you have never faced a foe as dangerous as I! I will not lose this time!" The Master yells.

At a local cafe, Dylan and Andy are drinking coffee, ignoring The Master, who is causing the traffic jam right outside the window.

"Where the hell are they?" The Master wonders. A police car pulls up, and crashes into a telephone pole. Josephine then gets out of the car. "Its over, The Master!" Josephine yells. "You?! I block the most essential road in this bloody city, and you are the person that comes to stop me?" The Master asks. "Who were you expecting? Sherlock Holmes?" Josephine asks. "Where the (CENSORED) are Dylan and Andy?" The Master asks. Josephine shrugs. "All I know is that they said I could take it from here." Josephine says. Josephine grabs The Master's arm. "You're going downtown!" Josephine says. "I don't want to!" The Master whines. "I don't care! Get off your ass and lets go!" Josephine demands. The Master sighs, stands up, and walks off with Josephine.

At the pet store, Lauren is standing in one of the aisles, when a customer walks up to her. "Excuse me, do you sell pets here?" The customer asks. "No, we're an indoor zoo." Lauren sarcastically says. "Okay. Thanks for clearing that up." The customer says, before walking away. The manager comes up behind Lauren. "Lauren, I hope I didn't just hear you being rude to a customer." The manager says. "No, must've been your imagination." Lauren says. "Are you sure?" The manager asks. "Yup." Lauren says. "Okay, just checking." The manager says, before walking away. "I freaking hate it here. When I get home, I'm gonna kill Claire. Knowing her, she's probably at home, having the time of her life right now." Lauren mutters.

At the house, Claire is passed out on the couch, with an open box of pizza on her lap.

Outside the Fantastic P.D, The Master and Betty Thorne exit the police station. "Thank you so much for helping me out of this bind, Miss. Thorne." The Master says. "You are very welcome. Now, you promise you are going to behave this time?" Betty asks. "Of course." The Master says. "Excellent. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to head over to Club Aqua. They are hosting Bingo tonight. Victor Goo is going to be there, and as a result, I simply must attend. That bald head just drives me WILD. Ciao!" Betty says, before walking off. Once Betty is gone, The Master walks over to a car, and climbs into the backseat. It is revealed that Katie Cat is also sitting in the backseat. "You wished to seeeeeeeeeee me?" Katie Cat asks. "Actually, I believe I requested a meeting with the head of the club. You know, NOT you." The Master says. "Andre couldn't make it. He said something about going to Club Aqua for Bingoooooooooo. Now, what do you want?" Katie Cat asks. "I want back in to the club!" The Master asks. "Yeah...Andre isn't interested. Neither am I. Heck, Man-Shark isn't even interested in having you back." Katie Cat says. "Are you not aware of the chaos and carnage I caused earlier today? I sat in the middle of the road, and held up traffic for well over an hour! People become infuriated when stuck in traffic, so to cause such a jam...well, it doesn't get more diabolical than that!" The Master says. "Did Dylan or Andy show up?" Katie Cat asks. "Well, no...I assume they were busy elsewhere." The Master says. "The rules state that in order to be in the cluuuuuuuub, you need to have regular altercations with super heroes." Katie Cat says. "What do you call Josephine Acerbi?" The Master asks. "A haaaaaas been, like you. Anyone who hasn't been living under a rock knows that Josephine hasn't been relevant since people called her Josephine Cat!" Katie Cat says. "Well obviously, Dylan and Andy don't bloody care about me anymore, so who am I supposed to piss off if I want to get back into the club?!" The Master asks. Katie Cat hands The Master a small book. "Right there is a pamphlet of Exclusive Country Club of Super Villains certified super heroes, each classified by raaaaaank. To get back into the club, you need to get the attention of a super hero that at least has a C ranking. Unfortunately for you, Josephine was knocked down to a D ranking in 2009, so she no longer qualifies. Note that this book contains heroes from Fantastic City, and all surrounding areas." Katie Cat says. The Master opens the book. "The bloody Zodiac Alliance is in here?!" The Master asks. "Apparently, they were gonna get a pretty heated battle for their series finale, which is why we included them." Katie Cat says. "Who the hell are Amira, Fabian, Cicely, and Galore?" The Master asks. "Demi Gods. They aren't from around here, but they could get here in a flash to kick your ass. If you managed to get their attention, we'd probably overthrow Andre and make you the new captain." Katie Cat says. "Ah...here is a foe that is doable." The Master says, as he zeroes in on Claire's picture. "Knock yourself out. Just do it somewhere eeeeeeeeeeeeelse." Katie Cat says, before pushing The Master out of the car! "Ow!" The Master yells. The Master stands up, and the car speeds off, running over his foot in the process!

At the pet store, Lauren is with Ronald Grump. "I'm looking for a tarantula. It needs to be a big tarantula, the biggest, very YUUUUUUUUUUGE." Ronald Grump says. "Do you know how to care for them? Tarantulas can be dangerous." Lauren says. "I know that. I tried to catch a tarantula in this game once, but it attacked me and I passed out. That tarantula was very mean, let me tell you. Horrible, horrible tarantula. But, since I couldn't catch that one, I'm gonna buy one in real life instead." Ronald Grump says. "Great, but...do you know how to take care of them?" Lauren asks. "I am the very best with tarantulas! No one respects tarantulas better than I do!" Ronald Grump says. Lauren sighs. "You know what? Never mind." Lauren says. Lauren hands Ronald Grump a document. "Just sign your name. That means that we aren't responsible for any injuries you might get from the pet, which means you can't sue us later on." Lauren says. Ronald Grump signs his name, and hands the form back to Lauren. "Aren't you going to read it first?" Lauren asks. "With all due respect, I know what I'm doing. I do not need you telling me otherwise, you are fake news." Ronald Grump says. Lauren looks at the form. "Ronald J. Grump...does the J stand for John or something?" Lauren says. "It stands for Jesus. I picked that name out myself." Ronald Grump says. Lauren sighs.

In Lauren and Claire's neighborhood, The Master walks up to the front door of the house next door, and begins knocking. Dun Dun opens the door. "What?!" Dun Dun asks. "I'm going to have to borrow your home, temporarily." The Master says. "You cop or something?" Dun Dun asks. "No! I am an evil genius that needs access to your home because my target lives next door to you!" The Master states. "Dun Dun no care who you are! House of Dun is for Dun Dun ONLY." Dun Dun yells. The Master flashes a check in front of Dun Dun's eyes. "Will this change your mind?" The Master asks. Dollar signs can be seen in Dun Dun's eyes. "Mon....money?!" Dun Dun asks, in disbelief. "I just need access for a few hours." The Master says. Dun Dun takes the check, gets on her scooter, and rides away. The Master pulls out a pair of binoculars, and looks in through Claire's window. He sees that Claire is asleep on the sofa. "Wonderful! She won't even see me coming! Now, watch as I put my diabolical plan into motion!" The Master says. The Master picks up a rock, and throws it through Claire's window! The rock lands next to Claire, however, she still doesn't wake up. "Huh...perhaps I should attempt a harder throw. Allow me to try that once more." The Master says. The Master picks up another rock, and chucks it through the window. Once again, Claire doesn't wake up. "Is she even bloody alive?" The Master wonders. The Master jumps the fence, walks over to Claire's front door, and lets himself in. The Master then approaches Claire, who is lying on the couch. "Wake up! How am I supposed to terrorize you if you are asleep?" The Master asks. Claire begins to open her eyes. "Hey...its you..." Claire says, before yawning. "Weren't you on TV or something?" Claire asks. "Yes, I was on TV! I am the horrific villain known as The Master! The primary antagonist of Fantastic City! Voted America's favorite villain in the year of 2004! You must be terrified to have awoken and discovered me in your home!" The Master says. "Can you pass me the remote?" Claire asks. "What?" The Master asks. "Can...you...pass...me...the...REMOTE! For the TV? Ellen comes on in three minutes!" Claire repeats. "Wait...you watch Ellen, too?" The Master asks. "Yeah, she's the greatest. You wanna stay and watch with me?" Claire asks. "I would love to! Destroying you can wait another hour!" The Master says, as he sits on the couch next to Claire.

At the pet store, a now bald Ronald Grump runs up to Lauren. "Back already? What happened to your hair?" Lauren asks. "That horrible tarantula ran off with it, after it bit me!" Ronald Grump yells. "If you were bit by a tarantula, maybe you should head over to the emergency room." Lauren suggests. "I'm not going anywhere until I am reimbursed, and paid for the damages!" Ronald Grump says. "Yeah, about that...you signed an agreement that you wouldn't pull a stunt like this." Lauren reminds him. "No I didn't." Ronald Grump lies. "Yeah, you did! I have it right here!" Lauren says, as she holds up the document. "That's not my signature." Ronald Grump lies. "Yeah, it is! Even the security cameras saw you sign it!" Lauren says. "Wrong! Those security cameras are fake news! Its very sad!" Ronald Grump says. "You're not getting your money back." Lauren says. Ronald Grump sits on the floor. "Then I'm not going anywhere until I do!" Ronald Grump announces.

Claire and The Master are still sitting on the sofa, watching TV. Claire notices the broken window. "Uh...what happened to that?" Claire asks. "No clue." The Master lies. Claire turns off the TV, and stands up. "What are you doing?" The Master asks. "Ellen is over! I was going to go and cook something!" Claire says. "Why not get something out? We could go get some seafood!" The Master says. "We could, but my girlfriend gets home from work in a few hours, and I want to make sure there is dinner for her." Claire says. "So that's it, then? You are blowing me off for HER?" The Master asks. "Uh...yeah. You can leave anytime, now." Claire says. The Master picks up the TV remote, and throws it. "I can't believe I was willing to throw away my spot in the super villain club for you!" The Master yells. "Huh?" Claire asks. "I thought we developed a connection!" The Master yells. "Dude, what the hell are you talking about? We watched Ellen together! Its not that deep!" Claire says. The Master picks up a dress Claire has lying on a chair, and angrily rips it in half! Claire gasps. "You bastard! That was my favorite outfit!" Claire yells. "It appears you'll have to find a new favorite." The Master says. Claire's eyes begin to glow purple. "Uh...what the hell are you doing?" The Master asks. A purple aura appears around The Master's body, and he is lifted up into the air! Claire then uses her powers to throw him through the wall! The Master stands up, and glares at Claire. "You messed with the wrong super villain, love." The Master says. "And you messed with the wrong super DUPER hero!...Okay, that sounded way cooler in my head." Claire says. "Actually, it doesn't sound cool in any scenario." The Master says. Claire growls, and charges at The Master!

In the pet store, Lauren is standing next to Ronald Grump, who is sitting on the floor, with his arms crossed. "Are you done yet?" Lauren asks. "Are you going to pay me yet?" Ronald Grump asks. "You are NOT getting paid!" Lauren snaps. Ronald Grump pulls out his phone, and begins typing. "What are you doing?" Lauren asks. "I'm writing a Yelp review. Your customer service is VERY rude. You lied and said that I signed a document, which I never did. Very nasty. Your new nickname is Nasty Lauren." Ronald Grump says. Lauren grabs Ronald Grump's phone, throws it onto the ground, and then stomps on it! Ronald Grump glares at Lauren, and then stands up. "You better apologize you little-" Before Ronald Grump finishes, Lauren punches him in the gut! Ronald Grump stands back up. "Oh, that does it! The gloves are coming-" Before he finishes, Lauren punches him in the face! Before Lauren can do anymore damage, Claire is thrown through the front window, and ends up flying into Lauren! "Oh, hey babe! Fancy meeting you here!" Claire says. "Claire, what are you doing?" Lauren asks. "Fighting bad guys. How about you?" Claire asks. "Working." Lauren responds. "Oh, cool! So, how are you liking it so far? Is it fun?" Claire asks. "Get back over here so I can kill ya, Nasty Lauren!" Ronald Grump can be heard yelling. "Can we pick this up another time? I'm dealing with a customer." Lauren says. "Oh yeah, sure. I have something I need to take care of, too." Claire says. Claire and Lauren both stand up, and go running in different directions. Ronald Grump charges at Lauren, but Lauren moves out of the way, and he crashes into the snake tanks! The tanks shatter, and snakes begin slithering through the pet store! Customers begin frantically running towards the exits, as snakes chase them. "Have a nice day." Lauren dryly tells everyone exiting. Elsewhere, Claire uses her powers to pick up a bunch of empty fish bowls, and throw them at The Master! The Master falls to the ground, but gets up almost immediately. The Master then picks up a metal dog bowl, and throws it at Claire! Claire dodges, and it hits Ronald Grump in the head! Ronald Grump begins looking around. "Who did that? Who the hell did that?" Ronald Grump asks. Claire points at The Master. Ronald Grump then tackles The Master to the floor, and the two begin fighting! Claire walks over to Lauren. "You free yet?" Claire asks. "I still have an hour left of work." Lauren says. The manager walks up to Lauren. "This is a disaster! My business is ruined because of you! You are FIRED!" The manager yells, before storming off. Lauren turns towards Claire. "NOW I'm free." Lauren says.

Back at home, Lauren and Claire are sitting on the couch together. "I can't believe I got you fired again! What is wrong with me?" Claire wonders. "Lets not act like I didn't do anything. Getting into a fight with a customer probably didn't score me any points." Lauren notes. "Still. Me and The Master showing up only made things worse." Claire says. "Well, IF you had something to do with getting me fired, I guess I owe you." Lauren says. "REALLY?" Claire asks. "You kidding? That job sucked! If I had to go back tomorrow, I'd probably end up killing somebody. Trust me, you did me a favor." Lauren says. "So...does that make up for me getting you fired from the WPA?" Claire asks. "I'm over it...mostly." Lauren says. Claire smiles. "I hope so. It killed me to think that you resented me for that. That's why I wanted to help find you a new job. I was really having trouble dealing with the fact that I took something from you that gave you a lot of joy." Claire says. "Don't tell anyone I said this, but you bring me a lot of joy, and you are the only thing in life I can't afford to lose." Lauren says. "Aw. Your secret is safe with me." Claire says, before kissing Lauren.

At House of Dun, Dun Dun is banging on her front door. "Can Dun Dun have house back, now? She spent all you money!" Dun Dun yells. The Master opens the front door, and hands Dun Dun another check. "I am in a very important meeting! Come back in an hour!" The Master says, before slamming the door shut. The Master sits on the floor with Katie Cat in Dun Dun's kitchen. "You wanted to see me again?" Katie Cat asks. "Yes. I would like to discuss being reinstated in the club. I'm sure you have heard by now of my battle with Claire Riley." The Master says. "I did. Very heeeeeeeated. You two destroyed an entire pet store. I hope no cats were harmed in that mess." Katie Cat says. "Oh no! Heaven forbid! So, am I back in the club?" The Master asks. "No." Katie Cat reveals. "No? What do you mean NO?!" The Master asks. "In order to be back into the club, you need to do battle with a C grade or higher hero." Katie Cat says. "Which I did! The book you gave me classified Claire as a C!" The Master notes. "That may have been true at the tiiiiiiime, but Claire has since been demoted." Katie Cat says. "Why?!" The Master asks. "The club discovered that she engaged in battle with you because you destroyed her favorite dress. That tarnished her image, and gave us no other choice but to lower her grade. Please understand." Katie Cat says, "You can't just disregard all of the hard work I have done for the club! I am irreplacable!" The Master yells. "That's funny, because you've already been replaaaaaaaaced." Katie Cat says. "By whom?" The Master asks. Wishbone pushes a baby stroller into the room, containing a baby. "He goes by the name of Baby Rabies. He just had a big fight with The Zodiac Alliance earlier today, and almost won! Plus, he's an actor. A while back, he booked a guest spot on 'The Yeller'. Hilaaaaaaarious episode." Katie Cat says. In a fit of rage, The Master charges at Baby Rabies! Baby Rabies hits The Master with a rattle, knocking him out!